My Big, Black Cock: 2000-2014

Posted in My Big, Black Cock. on January 2nd, 2014 by Scott Crawford

People of Earth,

This will more than likely be the last full post on My Big, Black Cock. For a while now, I’ve been trying to think of a way to give this site a proper send-off, but given that we’re talking about My Big, Black Cock, the question of what “proper” has to do with anything should certainly be asked, and it probably just answered itself.

Why I’m closing up shop here: I feel like this site’s been a walking corpse for a long time. I just looked through the site’s archives, and it stopped resembling the site I moved to in 2000 and enjoyed working on for close to a decade about 4 years ago, right around the end of ’09. I’m sure you’ve all noticed. I got a little bit of second wind in 2012, but then Sandy happened, and that was that. I’ve got another anecdote for you that should also serve to further illustrate my point: when I did the 2013 New York Marathon report back in November, I quit writing it about 90 minutes before the end of the television coverage, because the television coverage of an event that is one of my great loves, one of the site’s cornerstone events and one of my life’s ambitions to participate in was making me really, really angry. It was atrocious, post-9/11, pro-surveillance state, fear-mongering propaganda, rather than the story of 40,000 folks trying to complete a race, and watching it was breaking my heart. So, I stopped, and went for a walk instead. What I didn’t realize at the time is that, 2 hours before I stopped writing it, I had made an HTML error that not only made the past 2 hours’ updates unreadable, but also broke the layout of my site. If you’re wondering when I found this error (which no one found or pointed out to me), it was 6 weeks later. I think I’d call that “time to quit”.

What I’m not doing: I will not be taking this site down upon closing. There’s a lot of what’s up here that’s really not relevant to who I am these days, and like anything a writer’s written in the past, plenty of it makes me cringe, but there’s also plenty to be proud of here, and I also have a personal, vested interest in not living in denial of my past life, even if I’m at odds with some of it in the present. This site and its domain name will remain here for the forseeable future, unless I’m suddenly unable to afford the domain for some reason or get an amazing financial offer for it. I will also be continuing to receive email at suck@mybigblackcock.com for as long as I own this domain (and mail forwarding service for any of you with mybigblackcock.com addresses will also continue for as long as I’ve got the domain). If it turns out that I do get an offer on the domain, or am unable to continue paying for it, I will be moving the content from this site elsewhere.

“What now?”: I did just mention an “elsewhere”…

www.scottcrawford.org

I’ve had this domain for a while, and have mostly been using it as a portfolio site, but I’ll be moving there full-time as of today. My writing will appear there. If I have to move any of my other sites away from the domains where they currently reside, including this one, I’ll be moving them there.

“But what about all of the My Big, Black Cock traditions like Motherfucker Day, the marathon, telling Hallmark to go fuck itself annually and so forth?”: the marathon, I won’t be writing about again until I’m a participant. I’ve got a gym membership now, I’m in the best health a nearly-40-year-old, overweight guy with arthritis can be prior to beginning training, and I’ll be working at it. I can’t watch it on television anymore, given the appalling, whores-for-the-state condition network TV is in. Motherfucker Day and me telling off Hallmark and DeBeers will undoubtedly make the jump to the new site, so don’t you worry about those.

And I think that’s basically it as far as formal site business goes.

Thank you all for every second of the support you’ve given this site in the 13+ years that I’ve been writing here. As a stand-up comedian, whose name sadly escapes me (please refresh my memory if you know it, as he deserves the credit for the line), once said, “You make a fat guy want to find his dick.” Be well, and don’t take shit from anybody.

-S

12th* Annual My Big, Black Cock coverage of the ING NYC Marathon

Posted in NYC Marathon. on November 3rd, 2013 by Scott Crawford

7:15 AM:

Yeah, I’m still covering it. Race Day is still one of my high holy days. First real pre-race television coverage starts in a few minutes.

Stuff to discuss? The marathon’s being aired on new networks (WABC-7 in New York and ESPN2 elsewhere). There could be a commando branding change for Capital One, who own the naming rights to the marathon (still being called the “ING New York Marathon” by people who really like corporate branding, though Capital One bought ING over a year ago and kinda dissolved it into their brand). Because of the Boston Marathon bombing, New York mayor Mike Bloomberg has already promised to make this marathon a star-studded salute to the surveillance state on what will be his last marathon as mayor (assuming he actually honors the power transition), and, oh yes, there are actually people running a race, too! (Sorry. Just following Corporate’s lead.)

About 48,000 people are set to run or wheel their way through the marathon today. The marathon’s site has actually put together a pretty decent section going through some of their stories in advance of the race, which is nice to see. The race site in general has gotten a pretty interesting overhaul since last year’s aborted race. There’s been a de-emphasis of the professional runners (after 10 minutes of digging around the site, I still haven’t found the pro runners’ listings/bios), helpful information for participants and spectators is way easier to get to now, and it just loads and feels better, too. Well, perhaps except for this…

Screenshot 2013-11-03 07.00.32

Yes, that’s a screenshot of the very top of the menu sidebar on the marathon site. “Security Measures” apparently trump every other possible detail about the race now, if you didn’t know yet.

Let’s turn on the pre-race coverage, and see what’s doing…

OK, the forecast is on, and it’s gonna be a cold and shitty weather day for the race!

Hey, first sighting of a security guy! That didn’t take long.

OK, gonna wrap the post, so y’all know what I’m doing. More soon!

7:20 AM update:

Drink every time you see or hear the word “security” (3 so far). 4! 5! 6! 7! 8!

7:27 AM update:

135 musical acts playing along the marathon route.

Hey, Gaga’s got a team of people running for her Born This Way Foundation. I’d give her shit for not running the race herself, but she just had hip surgery!

7:34 AM update:

Here we go, Runner’s World has the pro field for you!

7:45 AM update:

According to this post on the official marathon Twitter account, Jonathan Mendes, at 93 years of age, is our oldest runner today! Kick some ass out there, Jonathan!

It should be said, at least very early on, that WABC-7 is putting a lot of work and heart into this. I don’t know if the local team will also be doing the race coverage, but they’re putting their best foot forward on the pre-game. I see a lot of channel 7 in the morning, and I’m actually not a fan, so this is pretty refreshing and welcome.

Security count: 10

7:53 AM update:

Wow, Jenny McCarthy is awful. (Sorry. Commercials.)

8:10 AM update:

Houston, we may have a problem. Router just freaked out. Running again, but I’ve yet to determine if it’s up to covering a live event, streaming video, etc., so please stand by.

8:15 AM:

OK, I think it’s stable. I missed a LOT of “security” mentions while I was down, though, so just finish the bottle.

8:25 AM update:

Feature on Jonathan Mendes just now. He said something about drinking a quart of whiskey a day. 93 years old, and running his 13th marathon, people!

8:27 AM update:

Wheeler races starting soon! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
!!!!!!!!!!!1111111

8:31 AM update:

If you hadn’t seen it yet, there’s a “find your finish” feature on Channel 7′s web site this year, so’s you can keep an eye on the finish line as a runner you know is crossing it. Very solid, that. May have been a feature prior to this, but never quite as obviously implemented.

8:33 AM update:

There the men’s wheelers go! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
!!!!!!!!!!!1111111 Good luck, guys! Womens’ wheelers in 5 minutes!

8:36 AM update:

Here come the women’s wheelers! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
!!!!!!!!!!!1111111 Good luck, ladies!

8:37 AM update:

Revised assessment of WABC’s coverage: a lot of heart, but I won’t lie, I do miss Al Trautwig’s experience here.

8:38 AM update:

I’d also like to hit the person who first encouraged crowds to scream in front of live TV cameras in the face with a shovel.

8:40 AM update:

I’m hearing both 45,000 and 48,000 from the WABC team as a number of participants. Which is it? Asking the marathon Twitter, so we’ll see how responsive they are shortly.

8:48 AM update:

Five Borough Challenge runners are off!

RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111111111

8:59 AM update:

Just about to wrap up the pre-game and get to the women’s race. As I’m doing this for the first time in 2 years, I’m struck by how quaint real-time coverage of events on a web site is in the Twitter age.

Handcycle race started! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
!!!!!!!!!!!1111111 Good luck, folks!

9:05 AM update:

I really, really hate commercials. I’m rarely exposed to them in this volume nowadays, and it’s…an assault.

We’re onto the actual marathon coverage now! (Actually, on TV, we might be past the start of it. I think the “live” stream is hella delayed.)

Right before Amy Freeze started the final weather check of the morning, she got trumped by a guy saying “IT’S COLD!” in the Ollie voice from Family Guy. (Good luck in the race, Amy! She’s running.)

Wow, McEnroe doing the opening bit for ESPN2. God, this intro is exploitative. Boo, ESPN.

9:08 AM update: Hannah Storm anchoring things. Hey, wow, more disaster porn! Fuck you, ESPN!

9:09 AM update: Wheeee, security theatre! I hate you, network television.

9:15 AM update: Seriously, you guys, in less than 10 minutes, the ESPN team has decimated my interest in watching or covering this race. Slick, corporate and really gross. I’ll do what I can, for as long as I can, and I’ll bring you the results, but to quote everyone in an action movie ever, “Ah’ve got a baaaaaaaaaaaad feelin’ about this”.

9:17 AM update:

Pro women on their way. Here goes, because the ladies deserve it no matter what ESPN is doing to their broadcast:

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UUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111111111

9:18 AM update:

Quarter mile into the womens’ race, and we’ve had our first mention of Paula Radcliffe. (Paula Radcliffe is not running the race.)

9:24 AM update:

Grete Waitz mention as we’re coming out of commercial. Sadly, Grete’s also not running this race this year, as she left us 2 1/2 years ago. She was somethin’ else, though.

Back to the part of the marathon that’s actually happening right now, pro women are finishing up the Verrazano right now.

9:25 AM update:

FUCK YOU BLOOMBERG.

9:30 AM update:

More people who can suck a tailpipe: the folks who do in-house commercials for ABC. Insidious.

The pro men and the masses start in 10 minutes, folks!

9:32 AM update:

“The wheelers, who are great athletes in their own right…”, as opposed to WHAT? Ugh.

9:36 AM update:

Nice piece on Tatyana McFadden, who’s trying to become the first person ever to win all 4 major marathons in a calendar year. You’re off the hook for about a minute of the garbage you’ve put out there so far.

9:46 AM update:

Huge props to the person or people covering live play-by-play on the Marathon Twitter, they’re doing a great job covering the race so far, better than anything on television and anything I’m doing.

Now back to disaster porn on TV!

Oh, wait, there’s a race happening.

Pro men being introduced now. Meb looks good! Good to see ‘em!

Livestream of the TV broadcast is HURTING from the number of viewers, buffering like whoa.

2011 winner Geoffrey Mutai looks pretty good.

Nice to see Meb interviewed, but they interrupted the intros to show it!

FUCK YOU BLOOMBERG!

OK, time to do it! Here we go, folks!

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9:48 AM update:

Turned off the online video stream. It was at least 3 minutes behind television, sputtering and looked awful. Better luck next time, ABC. TV on now.

10:01 AM update:

Seriously, again, if you want great PBP, watch the Marathon Twitter. They’re puttin’ my best to shame. They’ve got access to a ton of race info I don’t, no doubt, but it’s really amazing seeing it done right and professionally, even with 11 years of amateur experience.

Really nice piece on the science of running just now on the TV broadcast, with (yes) Meb.

Men are in Brooklyn on about mile 4, Mutai leading with Meb right behind him, still a pretty big pack.

10:07 AM update:

Wave 2 of the big pack just started!

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10:14 AM update:

Not for nothin’, but the pro women have been INVISIBLE on the ESPN broadcast. Get it together, folks.

10:17 AM update:

Marcel Hug of Switzerland just won the mens’ wheelchair race, don’t have a time yet. Nothing about it on TV. The Twitter called it. Congrats, Marcel, and I’m sorry that television producers suck!

10:24 AM update:

Folks, enjoy my coverage while it lasts today, because this is the last one I’m doing until I actually run the race and report from within it. I can’t abide by working from this television coverage, and honestly, if you’re looking for great coverage of the actual race, the folks doing the the Marathon Twitter are killing it in a way I’ve never come close to even when I was totally on.

And now back to ESPN, who are interviewing McEnroe. He’s knowledgable, but not very articulate, and very unfortunately nationalist.

10:28 AM update:

And finally, the mens’ wheelchair finish, a live shot of the womens’ lead (Buzunesh Deba and Tigist Tufa with 3 minutes on the pack at the halfway mark) and Tatyana McFadden. (4 minutes on anyone near Central Park, she’s got this wrapped up, so congrats to her! Amazing athlete.)

10:34 AM update:

Here comes Tatyana! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!1111111111111111 She did it! London, Boston, Chicago and New York in one calendar year! Congrats, Tatyana! Unbelievable.

10:38 AM update:

Womens’ leaders are on the 59th St. Bridge!

3rd wave of the big pack is off!

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It’s been mentioned on TV that somewhere in the 3rd wave is the one millionth runner to enter the NYC Marathon. Can you imagine? I wonder who they are. Hopefully that comes out.

10:43 AM update:

Hey, there’s a group of Lakota running today! They came out last year, but, well, Sandy. I’m really glad they’re here, and best of luck to Team One Spirit!

10:45 AM update:

Buzunesh Deba and Tigist Tufa are onto First Avenue, with the rest of the pro women still 3 minutes behind. Hell of a thing.

10:49 AM update:

Priscah Jeptoo is in 3rd, and has put some distance between herself and the rest of the elite pack. May be starting to make her move on the lead pair, if a move can be made at this point.

10:51 AM update:

More disaster porn!

10:53 AM update:

Jeptoo’s cut 30 seconds off the distance between herself and Buzunesh Deba. That happened pretty quickly.

10:57 AM update:

Lots of movement in the mens’ pack, Meb and Martin Lel have fallen back, and everyone else is jockeying for position. Stay tuned.

11:02 AM update:

Mile 20 for Deba and Tufa. Amazing that she’s still where she is, and good for her for as long as she can hack it. Wouldn’t it be something…? Jeptoo now only a minute and 40 seconds behind.

11:08 AM update:

Tsegaye Kebede is leading, with Geoffrey Mutai still lurking nearby. Still a pack around them, but it’s smaller.

Deba’s burned Tufa, Jeptoo’s on her way. Also: Deba just threw up. That shit ain’t fly.

11:14 AM update:

Hey, Hannah Storm isn’t stuck in traffic anymore!

Women at mile 21, Men around mile 18. Deba still leading, just passed some dude on a handcycle. Catch up, dude on a handcycle! Tufa’s in sight, but fading. Jeptoo’s comin’.

Mens’ pack is 9 dudes.

11:15 AM update:

Wow, they’re making ABC show plugs during the PBP on TV? Are. You. Fuckin’. Kidding. Me? Disgraceful.

11:16 AM update:

Actually, after hearing these people talk about the race…keep plugging Modern Family or whatever, you guys.

11:18 AM update:

Jeptoo’s cut Deba’s lead to 30 seconds. Yikes.

11:21 AM update:

Men down to 8, one of those dudes fell back. Mutai’s just chillin’.

11:25 AM update:

15 seconds back now for Jeptoo. Reminds me of the first time Gomes dos Santos won when he had Paul Tergat chasing him. I wonder if Deba is shitting her pants in a similar manner. Man, Gomes dos Santos looked scared, but he still won. They’re heading into Central Park.

11:27 AM update:

MUTAI! Here he comes.

11:29 AM update:

Mile 24 for the women, mile 21 for the men. Mutai and Stanley Biwott of Kenya are it for the men now. Jeptoo blew past Deba, so that’s that, pretty much.

11:35 AM update:

Priscah Jeptoo will be winning this marathon on the womens’ side, yes. She’s mid-mile 25. Deba’s gonna be a runner-up, as she was in ’11. Jeptoo’s got such a crazy gait. It looks awkward, unnatural, but MAN does it work. Do what feels good, people.

Wow, do I hear Gary Glitter in the background? Ew.

11:39 AM update:

Mutai’s puttin’ the screws to Biwott now at mile 22.

Here comes Jeptoo into the last mile.

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2:25:07! Congrats to Priscah Jeptoo who wins not only the New York Marathon but also the World Marathon Majors!

11:43 AM update:

Deba of course in second, not too far back (I’ll get a time ASAP).

Mutai’s headin’ into the park. No other dudes in sight. Not a lot of drama in these finishes.

HOLY SHIT! Jelena Prokopcuka from Latvia (Remember her? 5 year layoff!) comes from out of NOWHERE to take 3rd place! 37 years old (ESPN’s people called her 38, dunces), and again, 5 year layoff from New York, and she invisibly had an amazing race. Congrats!

11:46 AM update:

Unofficially 2:25:47 for Deba. Great race, but just not quite enough.

I cannot believe Prokopcuka. Like…where did she come from?

Mutai still being Mutai. Some jockeying for position in 2nd-4th, I’ll get you the names in a sec.

11:48 AM update:

Tufa took 8th place, still an incredible effort.

11:50 AM update:

I really hate listening to a British guy call a marathon. They always sound a step away from calling the runners a “little bugger” or something awful like that.

11:51 AM update:

Kebede in 2nd, April in 3rd, Biwott 4th, Arile in 5th behind Mutai.

11:52 AM update:

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2:08:23! Geoffrey Mutai, folks! Kebede comin’ fast in the park, time coming…2:09:15, waving his hat and smiling as he crossed the line! April 2:09:46! Congrats to all of ‘em for making the podium!

11:54 AM update:

Biwott’s in at 5th, faded hard in the end.

Mutai doing a bit of a victory lap, smiling, waving, great stuff.

12:04 PM update:

FUCK YOU, BLOOMBERG!

OK, womens’ medal time.

2:27:47 for Prokopcuka, by the way. She looks good, still very healthy. I’m glad she pulled this one out of her ass.

12:06 PM update:

Wow, Hannah Storm doesn’t like being outdoors. Thanks for contributing, Hannah!

2:25:56 for Deba (sorry for the delay on that finish time).

12:09 PM update:

FUCK YOU, BLOOMBERG!

(Mens’ medals.)

OK, time for the regular folks now (though I don’t think the Five Borough Challenge folks are anywhere near finishing).

12:12 PM update:

OK, one thing ESPN got right: after they mentioned Paula Radcliffe gushingly in the first 5 minutes of the broadcast, they shut up about her.

12:16 PM update:

Mens’ wheeler times, courtesy of the official marathon Twitter: Marcel Hug, SUI, 1:40:14 Ernst Van Dyk, RSA, 1:40:15 Kurt Fearnley, AUS, 1:40:15

OH HAY YOUSE GUYSE RAND PAUL IS ON THIS WEEK WITH GEORGE RIGHT AFTER THE MARATHON! (Fuck those guys, too. Paul and George. I was always way more of a Ringo guy.)

12:19 PM update:

Oh, David Willey, STOP WITH THE DISASTER PORN! Thankfully, someone Baba Booeyed the interview as it was being conducted.

12:22 PM update:

Yeah, television writers/producers really need to just shut the fuck up.

12:23 PM update:

Official womens’ wheeler finish times: Tatyana McFadden, USA, 1:59:13 Wakako Tsuchida, JPN, 2:02:54 Manuela Schar, SUI, 2:03:53

12:26 PM update:

OK, if ESPN’s crew aren’t going to talk to any of regular folks and are just going to keep spouting propaganda, I’m out. Wait…are THEY out? “Finishing thoughts”? I thought they were running until 2 PM! Hang on…

12:29 PM update:

They may just be wrapping up finish line coverage. Which, again, WTF? They’re at commercial right now. Maybe we’ll get lucky and they’ll turn coverage back over to WABC.

12:32 PM update:

No such luck, we keep Hannah Storm.

12:35 PM update:

Finally, some more on-course interviews. David Willey found a girl who got a liver transplant 9 months ago, had a liver cancer diagnosis a year ago. People are tough.

Also, wow, great to see the booth people making fun of the folks interviewing people on the course, smug pricks.

12:39 PM update:

You guys, is it OK if I cut out early? This is just not being done well, and I feel like I’m cheating you all by being so openly mad at it. Yeah, guys, I’m sorry, I’m done. Gonna go for a walk instead. Gotta start getting back into shape, and getting mad at a TV set isn’t part of that plan.

Thanks for tuning in, and for all your support and indulgence of me over the 12 years I’ve done this. I’ll be back with a marathon report when I’m actually in the marathon.

Motherfucker Day XII!

Posted in My Big, Black Cock. on September 11th, 2013 by Scott Crawford

Welcome to the 12th Annual Motherfucker Day, motherfuckers. For you motherfuckers who are late to the party, here is the story of Motherfucker Day, as it was written on this day in 2002:

“From this day forth, September 11th will be known to all people as “Motherfucker Day”. Motherfucker Day honors the word “motherfucker” as one of humanity’s greatest contributions to planet Earth.

To observe Motherfucker Day, all one needs to do is say “motherfucker” at the end of every sentence, or at least every sentence that you remember to end it with. For instance, “Can you please pass the salt, motherfucker?” Or, “I love you, motherfucker.”

You can also put up banners that say “motherfucker” at your home, workplace, school, or place of worship; write the word “motherfucker” on walls everywhere (if you get busted, simply tell the police “I’m no criminal, motherfucker!” They’re sure to understand, and let you go.); and, if you’re so inclined and they’re consenting, feel free to go ahead and fuck someone’s mother. Hell, they could probably use it. This is just a short list of ways to celebrate Motherfucker Day, and is by no means complete. If you can think of another way to celebrate Motherfucker Day, feel free to do it, and certainly feel free to tell us about it here!

That’s all for now. Hopefully, by issuing this decree to all of humanity, I’ve done something to make an otherwise ordinary day feel just a little more special and festive. Spread the word! Tell a friend! September 11th is Motherfucker Day! Enjoy your new holiday, motherfucker!”

A Bullet

Posted in My Big, Black Cock. on July 20th, 2013 by Scott Crawford

(Before we start, let me make it clear that I ask this question hypothetically, as I have no plans or interest in shooting or being shot by myself or anyone else. If you must know, I kinda hate guns.)

Who or what would you take a bullet for?

Is it a person?

Is it multiple people?

What role or roles do they fill in your life?

Is it a pet?

A thing?

A place?

A belief?

A physical sensation?

A dollar figure?

Is this an easy question to answer, or do you have to think for a minute?

Do you not have an answer at all?

You don’t have to tell me.

You can’t tell me in writing, at least not here.

To be perfectly honest, I’d recommend that you don’t tell anyone.

You just can’t be too careful with your secrets these days.

I do think it’s a question we should all ask ourselves, though, and often.

Is there anything in your world worth dying for?

My biggest collection

Posted in My Big, Black Cock. on June 6th, 2013 by Scott Crawford

It’s pretty fair to say that I’m something of a collector of tragedies, plenty of them not my own. If there’s a brilliant, talented or gifted person who got their ass kicked by the world, chances are, I’m either aware of them or interested in hearing about them.

So, because I’m clearly pretty bored…

Posted in Man, fuck those guys., My Big, Black Cock. on May 30th, 2013 by Scott Crawford

…and I’m an awful human being who often tracks the behavior of much more awful human beings than myself, I just checked to see if there were any Facebook Pages called “The Holocaust”. You know, so people can hit “Like” and their profile will say “(Name here) Likes The Holocaust.” (Great gag idea if you’re a completely soulless human being: if you have a co-worker you don’t like, Like one of these pages on their Facebook account from their work computer when they’re not looking.)

I found out two things on this discovery mission. First, there are, unsurprisingly and depressingly, a LOT of Facebook Pages called “The Holocaust”. Second, a few of them are for bands. Really, you guys? Like, some dudes (because from what I saw in a quick glance at the user pics for the band pages, the bands are all dudes; don’t act too shocked…) get up on stage, and say “GOOD EVENING, FUCKFACE, IOWA! WE ARE THE HOLOCAUST!”, and there’s at least a chance that this is OK with somebody out there?

Does anyone have a rock I can hide under until humanity evolves?

What I Want To Be When I Grow Up

Posted in My Big, Black Cock. on May 30th, 2013 by Scott Crawford

To tell you all the truth, I have no idea.

I’ve been quiet here for a dog’s age. People ask me how the site’s doing (this happened a few times this week), and I say “mostly dormant”. That’s true. It’s been 3 months and 9 days since I’ve posted a goddamn word here. Before that, aside from my annual salute to my favorite holiday, it had been more than 3 months, and my writing was largely done about something a little bigger and crazier than usual, something that pre-empted my annual marathon coverage for the first time (not to mention the marathon itself). There are a few My Big, Black Cock holidays and anti-holidays: Valentine’s Day (in which we tell the industries behind Valentine’s Day to go fuck themselves), Motherfucker Day (which needs no further explanation), and the marathon.

To go off on a tangent for a minute, I’ll be honest, I feel at least a little weird about the race now, and will until I understand more about who was pushing harder for the ’12 marathon to happen. It was either Mike Bloomberg or Capital One, who were going to use it as a coming out party for their acquisition of previous sponsor ING. I’m just not sure which. If it was Bloomberg, that’s typical Bloomberg, and it gets lumped in with every other asshole thing he’s done. If it was Capital One, I think the New York Road Runners Club has an obligation to find a new sponsor if they’d like Fred Lebow’s beautiful race to hang onto its soul. Ethically speaking, the amount of stalling that took place where the cancellation of the race was concerned was nothing short of disgusting, and I REALLY hope it wasn’t stalling that came from within the race’s organization.

Back on point, though: aside from our “holidays”, not a lot happens here these days:

2000-2002 Posts: most are missing because the site moved around a bit
2003 Posts (September-December only): 94
2004 Posts: 271
2005 Posts: 206
2006 Posts: 144
2007 Posts: 68
2008 Posts: 213 (a lot of running posts)
2009 Posts: 81
2010 Posts: 154 (a weekly update on my New Year’s Resolution, a bunch of Twitter reposts and a bunch of running posts)
2011 Posts: 13
2012 Posts: 27
2013 Posts (January-May): 2

In other words, this site’s been a walking corpse for a very long time.

A lot of it is because I just don’t know what I want it to be. A lot of it is because I don’t know who or what I want to be. Some of it’s because I value discussion more than I value a bully pulpit, and it’s very difficult to get people to discuss things here. Maybe it’s the URL. Maybe it’s the lack of Facebook-easy site login. Maybe it’s just because I haven’t really been saying anything of note here for a while.

I have some very lively discussions on Facebook, and the quality of said discussions is improving over on Twitter as well. My trading card site also gets a bunch of comments when I post to it (infrequently there of late, too; just in the middle of a HUGE creative block), but that site’s got the “benefit” of a Google login. I’d much rather be working outside of walled gardens than inside, but there’s huge, Big Data pressure not to have people do that. Google, Facebook, Twitter, Amazon (as of yesterday), WordPress.com (not to be confused with personal WordPress installs like this one), Yahoo, and even Gawker Media all have their own logins that they try to lock users into. I don’t want this to be that kind of a place. It’s no different than making it a big ol’ bullshit ad farm. On the other hand, I’m really fucking tired of screaming into the void. I don’t consider writing to be a completely outbound pursuit, with no feedback. It’s a conversation, not a sermon.

Even if people showed up for *this* conversation, though, I’m not sure what I’d use as an icebreaker at this point.

I don’t want to spend the rest of my life writing “I’m not sure what this site is anymore and I don’t do anything with it” pieces.

I don’t want to use the site as a résumé or portfolio site. I have one of those.

Nor do I think this is the place to “do the news”, as I’ve dabbled with of late (but really, really don’t think I’d ever want to do full-time; straight journalism or news reporting of any kind has a way of stripping most people of their humanity).

In the past, I’ve written about entertainment stuff here, reviewed records, interviewed bands and such, but I don’t know that I want to do that anymore, either. Reviews of records are virtually obsolete in an age when just about anyone can find and listen to an online copy of an album in about a minute, and while I think I managed to have some good talks with musicians here, I’m just not sure how many more there are out there who I’d want to talk to about stuff that I could get anywhere near with my credentials. Skinny Puppy are really about it on the “bands I’d REALLY like to talk to” front, but I just don’t know if Ogre and Cevin want to talk about everything I’d want to know about, as a lot of it does concern some tough parts of their past, rather than just “Hey, you’ve got a new album out, what’s that aboot?”

I’ve got my life story to tell, but I’ve been trying to put it into book form, and mostly putting the excerpts of it here.

So, beyond that, we’re basically dealing with my opinions. Yawn. Sermon on the mountain bullshit. Fire and brimstone, piss and vinegar, over and done. Remember, conversations, not sermons, are what interest me these days.

Maybe I can throw together a mix of some of these things. I kinda hope so. People still have a surprising amount of goodwill toward this place. People remember that it exists despite the fact that it’s been on life support for so long. People ask me about it. People laugh about the albatross of a name. Richard Hackley still points people toward our interview, nearly 10 years after the fact. There’s just been a ton of unfulfilled promise, though. Never any merch, which people were dying for. Most of the long-term projects envisioned within these confines have crashed and burned, much like the ones in my life in general. It’s also been a site in search of an identity for longer than some people currently using the Web have been alive. That’s some crazy shit.

I really don’t know. I really am trying, these days, to figure out what I’m going to spend the rest of my life doing, and even the next 5 minutes can be a struggle at times. The future of this site needs to be framed within that discussion. So, let’s actually make it a discussion.

What does this site mean to you, whoever’s reading this, if anything, and what do you think it should be when it grows up?

I won’t name the company or the product they were advertising…

Posted in I get letters..., Man, fuck those guys., My Big, Black Cock. on February 21st, 2013 by Scott Crawford

…but someone just offered me $140 cash (they started at $100, and went up when I said “oh HELL naw”) just to put a paid “guest editorial” on this site.

I refused it, despite being in a way financially where I could really use that kinda dough for nothin’.

(To be clear, the person who contacted me was very polite, professional, not pushy even when they raised their offer and just doing their job, so thank you, if you’re reading this, for that.)

I’ve got some small, legacy examples of referral things on this site that I just haven’t killed yet. I killed a couple that were on the Help A Brother Out page just now, along with finally changing the donation button over to WePay. I do have a Dreamhost referral link on that page, but Dreamhost have put up with me for ages and done so with a smile, so I don’t have a problem with that as long as their usual service continues on par with what I’ve experienced so far. If it ever changes, and I wouldn’t be surprised if it did in this merger-crazy world, I’ll adjust my sails accordingly and let you all know, loudly.

I swore off full-on ads on my sites (not just this one) a ways back, and it feels good. When you accept ads, you’re basically staking your name and reputation on someone else’s bullshit, and a lot can go wrong there. It also puts you in a position where you may need to self-censor, and I don’t even have to tell you how I feel about that.

A somewhat related story I don’t mind sharing (and may have told before at some point, so forgive me if I’m repeating myself), just because of the ridiculousness and sheer hypocrisy of it: as some astute hairy-palmed readers of this site may remember, I was using AdBrite as an ad provider for a while many years ago. Suddenly, one day, they replaced all of the non-adult ads they were serving me with porn ads. I didn’t want that. I wanted a mix of adult and non-adult content, since not everyone who reads my site does so because they’ve come here looking for smut. Well, in conversation with Philip Kaplan, the founder of AdBrite, he told me that he was unwilling to do that anymore, since it put his non-adult customers at risk of being seen as advertising on adult sites (apparently, his database programmers hadn’t wrapped their head around the idea of a non-binary solution to ad serving; I don’t know if they have yet…), and some of these clients were very big-money. Disney were namedropped at this point. Continuing on, Mr. Kaplan actually suggested to me that, if I wanted to use AdBrite’s services the way I wanted to, changing my site’s name might be a good idea. Now, I’m not sure if Philip Kaplan’s name rings a bell to any of you, but outside of programming circles and Web insider circles, he’s perhaps best known by his pseudonym, Pud, as the founder of the web site FuckedCompany. Yes, if you’re keeping score, the FuckedCompany guy, a guy who made his bones on a dirty word and actually had to fight for it himself if memory serves, told the My Big, Black Cock guy to change his site’s name, because it wasn’t Disney-friendly enough. I’ll leave you all to draw your own conclusions there, and Pud, if you’re reading this, I do still have the messages saved, so don’t even try to front.

Some may ask how donations differ from advertising payments and I say this: in the case of a donation, people are giving me money to continue not giving a fuck, because that’s what I do and their support suggests that they want me to continue doing it. That’s implied to be part of the transaction, just by the nature of the site (and its operator) that they’re donating toward. I may actually make that explicit on the donation page at some point soon.

Beyond that, I’ve actually got a lot of work to do on this site soon. Many things need to be cleaned up, upgraded and so forth. I don’t think I’m changing the very old web site theme I’ve used for the past decade (just because I’m as amused as all get-out that I use the same theme that both The Ultimate Warrior and the sadly-gone-but-not-forgotten Way To Suck That Dick used at various points), but a lot about this site needs to be upgraded.

Then, of course there’s that small matter of me actually writing anything of substance on it, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to let someone else tell my story for me, and use that story explicitly to sell stuff I don’t use and you probably don’t need.

Annual Valentine’s Day Public Service Announcement

Posted in Man, fuck those guys., My Big, Black Cock. on February 14th, 2013 by Scott Crawford

As I do every year, and have for over a decade now, I’d like to provide you with the information necessary to tell those cocksuckers what you really think of their fucking holiday.

Hallmark:

Email: info@hallmark.com

Or call them at 1-800-HALLMARK

De Beers:

clientservices@debeers.com

Or call them (toll-free!) at 1-888-376-9230

Kay Jewelers:

Call them toll-free at 1-800-527-8029

Here’s their email contact form. They also have live chat available via their home page, Mon-Fri 10:00 AM to 10:00 PM ET and Sat-Sun 12:00 PM to 9:00 PM ET. I bet that could be a real hoot.

If you have suggestions for customer service emails/phone numbers of companies that belong in my annual announcement (I actually like florists and flowers, so I usually give them a pass), let me know.

Have fun!

P.S. Yes, I’m still fucking alive. No, I haven’t updated this site since November. Shame on me. I will have to give myself spankies for it. Starting to brainstorm on what the Cock means in ’13. Stay tuned.

A Sandy Diary, Of Sorts

Posted in My Big, Black Cock. on November 8th, 2012 by Scott Crawford

“The fear-mongering is out in full force for this storm next week. The science is worth paying attention to here, though. Time to get ready.”
-Me, 10/26/2012

The following is a compilation of my more relevant Facebook status updates (well, as relevant as those get, anyway) during the time period since Hurricane Sandy first hit weather radar. It’s presented in chronological order from oldest to newest. There will be editorial comments next to some entries. I hop back and forth from dead serious to completely off-color and ridiculous, because that’s just what I do. Viewer discretion is advised.

For more information on the storm, or to figure out where you can help out with the aftermath, go here.

10/28/2012:

“OK, there’s a storm a-comin’. Who wants to come over and cuddle with a motherfucker?”

“In other fun news, a reporter asks Bloomberg about prisoner safety at Riker’s: “Don’t worry about them getting out.” Nice guy.”

“Whew, almost made a huge oversight in my storm prep! “Reign In Blood” on iPod now. Crisis averted.”

“So, what’s more likely to be left standing, New York after Sandy or San Francisco after the Giants win?” (San Francisco fared a *little* better on this front, I reckon.-Editor)

Tim Pool did and is still doing a great job of covering Sandy and its aftermath. He also shacked up with a group of people who did some great storm prep:

Yes, they even had “Gangnam Style” socks, which are available here.

10/29/2012:

“Drinkers, drink whenever someone on the news or The Weather Channel says “unprecedented” and you’ll have alcohol poisoning in an hour!”

Oh, Gary. As an aside, though I’d need to find someone who’s the perfect height and get the shot before Gary flips his shit, I really, really want to take a picture that looks like someone’s blowing The Hulk one of these days.”

The “SandysHurricane” Twitter account was short-lived, but lasted long enough for it to say “@MITTROMNEY YOU IS A BASIC BITCH.”

10/30/2012:

“I’m alive! House is OK, we’re all OK, shit is FUCKED UP in NJ, though. Pics in a minute. Internet still intermittent.”

Gary’s Hulk statue survived, too, and still stands:

Some of Keyport, NJ wasn’t so lucky, though, as I saw the morning after the storm…

This is the Steamboat Dock Museum, or about half of it, anyway. The gentleman we talked to who was associated with the museum estimated an 80-90% loss of their historical archives.

This is, or was the Bayside Grill, once the Bayside Tavern (or, to its regulars, “The Bucket”) in Keyport, NJ. It was the bar that my father more or less pissed his marriage and his family away in. While I feel for the people who own it now, as well as the current regulars, I will not miss driving past the place as it was, looking at it as it looked and thinking about it.

Interesting story about this one. This ’56 Chevy was in a garage across the street from where it was photographed, behind a house. It was picked up by the water, floated out of the garage backwards, up a long, narrow driveway, across the street, and parallel parked itself. Damn shame about the car, it was a beaut, but some of where things ended up after this storm, and how they got there is incredible.

10/31/2012:

“Morning report: hearing that power’s back in parts of Slayerville/Parlin and Tinton Falls so far. Nothin’ here, but I did see what looked like an unmarked power co. truck in my hood, sneaky fuckers. I’m on foot today, as my car battery decided to die overnight after I listened to the radio for a few before going in the house last night. Email, msg or text if you can jumpstart, as AAA said FU. Will try to get a few local pics today.”

(I took an impromptu 7 mile walk around my town this day. Took almost no pictures, because it was all downed trees and power lines, pretty run-of-the-mill storm damage. Saw lots of houses where people engaged in very poor generator etiquette, running in broad daylight to power their big screen TVs, that sorta jazz. Nothing was powered by the grid this day, and power wouldn’t begin to get restored to my area en masse until 6 days later.-Editor)

11/03/2012:

“Awful joke alert:

So, Tuesday, I was in Keyport with my mother, looking at storm damage and trying to gather info. At one point, looking out across the bay, it was quiet.

So, I leaned over to my mother, and, deadpan, in a shocked voice, I said…”Oh my god…”

“What?”, she replied.

“The World Trade Center is gone!””

Took two pictures of an uprooted tree this day, to give people an idea of the force of the storm.

11/04/2012:

“In Staten Island with Allan. It is fucked here, but we’re doing what we can. Humbling doesn’t begin to cover it. If you know someone on the ground Near New Dorp Ave. who needs help, buzz me.”

“I didn’t take many pictures at all, didn’t feel it was my place to photograph a bunch of destroyed private residences, and I wanted to focus on the work. However, when I was taking a break after a few hours, this caught my attention. One picture is of the two bathrooms for volunteers at the end of New Dorp Ave. in Staten Island, where a great many of us were helping. The other fenced in, large assortment of bathrooms and the fancy, enclosed tent behind the Con Ed “No Trespassing” sign were for the bigwigs, as far as we could tell. I really wish I had a blind spot for inequity, but I can’t help but notice it these days.”

“I don’t wanna seem like the whole game is rigged, though. So many fantastic volunteers putting themselves in harm’s way for friends, family, neighbors and strangers. So many people who turned missing the marathon (maybe their only chance to run it) into a positive by helping us out. So many people cooking for the victims and volunteers alike. Even NYPD, exhausted as they all are, were a little nicer than usual today.”

“Throughout the affected areas, we’re gonna need so much help, for so long. Right now, more donations and volunteers than we know what to do with, but once this isn’t a headline anymore, it’s gonna be a long, tough struggle. Hearing 40,000 will need housing in NYC and Long Island alone, and that doesn’t get into NJ, CT, or anywhere else. A lot of people have nothing left. I helped an older man throw out practically his entire life today, and his was one house in a huge neighborhood full of the same story. Plan on helping, local charities if at all possible (even the cops spoke disparagingly about the Red Cross today) for a long time. People will need donations, sure, but they’re really going to need your time, effort and caring. Show the fuck up, or support the hell out of the people who do if you can’t.”

“It is also worth noting, however, that those of us helping really need to fucking pace ourselves. Allan and I did 3-4 hours of locating a person a friend was looking for (according to the neighbors, the whole family is fine, though we didn’t speak to them directly; left a message, though), clearing a playground with a whole bunch of marathoners, emptying a car full of supplies and clearing a house, with a whole lot of “wandering around looking to see where we were needed” in between”, and we’re both spent. I was totally willing to work myself down to a bloody stump, but Allan hurt his arm and honestly that was a wakeup call. I saw so many spent people who didn’t or couldn’t pace themselves, and we need to be in some shape to help them.”

We took one other picture on our way out of the neighborhood we went to in Staten Island…

Before I got there, I’d heard that Mile High Comics were offering to replace some comics for those who’d lost them in the storm, free of charge, and with free shipping. I saw these books on the curb of one family’s home and froze. They belonged to the father of the house, and he apparently loved them, but they got washed out. I gave his grown kids the address of Mile High’s site and told them about the deal. They’ve got a ton on their plates right now and who knows when or if they’ll get in touch, but they seemed happy to hear about the deal and thanked me. I also sent this picture to Mile High to give them some idea that this family’s claim would be legit. It seems like a trivial thing in the face of near-total loss of property, but something like a few funny books can get someone back on the road to feeling like a human being again.

“People of Earth: one more time, the Red Cross are hacks. I will get you the names of other charities that aren’t hacks. People have been posting them here and elsewhere today, too. When even NYPD, the most conventional motherfuckers in the room, talk shit about you in a disaster area that you’re actually present in, you’re doing it wrong. Do you not remember them doing an awful job after 9/11, Katrina, Haiti, etc.? Seriously, if you’re gonna send money to the Red Cross, you’d get better bang for your charity buck by buying Lindsay Lohan cocaine. I am not kidding.”

11/05/2012:

(Back in NJ, I voted early at the County Clerk’s office, since that was an option given to those who’d lost power in the storm as I had. To say that the setup in Middlesex County, NJ was some Jim Crow shit is a bit of an understatement. Ridiculously slow lines even on the third day of the office having time to refine the process, on the first day back to work for a lot of the people in it. Most of these folks on line had jobs that they could lose for being late, and couldn’t afford to lose, but most stuck it out while I was there, knowing how important this election was. People walking around with lists of polling places that were supposedly going to be open, knowing that we had a storm advisory in place that could’ve knocked the power out again at any minute, encouraging people who’d taken the time to show up to leave and go vote at their normal polling places. Really a sense that they were targeting people who were minorities or looked poor, too, and attitude from the employee who tried to convince me to leave despite my complex’s polling place being on generator power. It was not pretty, institutionalized racism and class war in action right before my very eyes. Back to the storm, though…)

“One more thing before I go wait on line to be disenfranchised: a lot of people said some very kind things about me yesterday and over the past few days. While it’s good to be appreciated, and while I don’t want to seem ungrateful, If you all can help it, please try to keep that to a minimum. I’m not doing anything special or great. I’m doing what we all should and can be doing every day, even when the whole fucking world isn’t falling apart. If you really want to show me gratitude for what I’m doing, don’t do it by typing compliments about me on Facebook, do it by helping other people. Ask your own friends lists, “Does anyone need anything?”, and keep asking. Thank you.”

(I stand by this. I haven’t really helped that much. I want to help much more, but there are limits to my resources and energy, limits that are below most people in a lot of ways. I’m doing what I can, though, and encouraging others to do the same, just as you should be doing.)

“Keansburg, NJ. I’m here. Melissa Joy Crawford is here. Governor Christie is about 20 feet away from me, for what it’s worth. There’s a lot of work to do here, though. Come help. I’m at the Joseph Bolger Middle School, 100 Palmer Place (off Palmer Ave./Main St.) and they have mountains of work to do. Back to it!”

(Bolger Middle School is still up and running. People were working in the cold and the dark the other day, and for the days before. They may have power now, but as we got a foot of snow dumped on us overnight, I can’t make it over there today. I had no idea that Governor Christie was going to be there until he walked onto the stage in the auditorium area where we’d been gathered about an hour into my volunteer time there. I’ve said plenty of bad things about the guy, meant them, and still mean them, but he’s working his ass off in this case, his heart’s in the right place, and he is one hell of a charismatic speaker when he wants to be and stays on a positive message.)

11/06/2012:

“OK, folks. I got 14 hours’ sleep overnight, and I feel just a little more human. I got some VERY bad news about my substation this morning, but potentially good news about the substations serving a few of my neighbor reading this (we may be on different grids, which is awesome for you, potentially, but not so much for me). I’ll try to track down hard facts on both today. I’ll also be devoting a lot of my day to getting you all up-to-date donation and volunteer info, particularly for those who want to make out of area donations to charities that aren’t royal clusterfucks. Oh, and one more thing for this update: VOTE! I did. You should too, if you haven’t yet, and even if you’re voting for who I didn’t vote for (all Dems except Menendez, who I don’t care for; voted Green in that race). This shit’s important. More in a few, still catching up on a day’s info.”

(The substation news was just a rumor, and we got power early in the evening this day. I also found out a ton about our power grid and local substations from the out-of-state electrical workers brought in to help, who were great guys. Probably not the best energy security policy, telling residents what they did, but it put a lot of minds at ease.)

“To continue on our vague trajectory toward me answering the “where should I send money?” question in line with my beliefs, aside from Monmouth/Ocean Foodbank (go ahead there), start looking for people who help rebuild houses, infrastructure and public structures without getting all Jesusy.”

(That list is here.)

“Pro tip: if you’re going to a Starbucks or something to charge your devices during a power outage, ask before plugging it in, but bring a power strip so you’re not hogging that shit all to yourself.”

(I made a lot of people happy on Tuesday by bringing a surge bar with me.)

11/07/12:

“Apologies and happy birthday wishes to everyone whose birthdays I missed during the apocalypse.”

“Thoughts on digital concierge service at Sandy aid centers? Basically folks who can help victims cover their online needs. Is this a thing?”

“The Inkwell Coffee House and their staff are OK, and (this storm permitting) they’re planning on re-opening on Friday! FINALLY, word from them!”

“Chris Christie just gave the locusts a shout-out. Stop trying to get on my good side, bro.”

“I don’t wanna ever hear anyone say that Occupy “have no direction”/”don’t do anything” EVER AGAIN. They’re saving lives. What’s Mike doing?”

“Seriously, Mike Bloomberg, are you playing cards in the “undisclosed location” with Dick Cheney or something?”

“Through the magic of Google Maps and photo-editing software so I could rotate the grid in the image 60 degrees clockwise to a coherent position, here’s the area of Staten Island I was in on Sunday. We were parked in the lot just below where it says New Dorp High School. The person we checked on for a friend lived roughly a half mile from the high school. The playground we worked on is just below the corner of Cedar Grove and New Dorp and the Con Ed tent was just east of that in the picture (east of New Dorp, north of Cedar Grove near the roadway). If my brain’s working, the house we helped clean out was not too far from the corner of Marine and Finley. And, if I’m correct, every house from the water up to at least Mill Rd. sustained interior flood damage, most of it total or near-total on the “personal property” side. The personal lives of virtually every person in every house west of New Dorp Lane and south of Mill Road was on the curb, if they had found a team of people to help them put it there. The actual structures were hit and miss.”

11/08/12:

“Hey, everyone! There’s a bunch of snow on the ground! What the fuckin’ shit?”

…and we’re up to the present.

I posted about Hurricane Sandy elsewhere…

Posted in My Big, Black Cock. on November 7th, 2012 by Scott Crawford

Read it.

Julian Assange’s UN Speech

Posted in My Big, Black Cock. on September 27th, 2012 by Scott Crawford

Transcript here.

Just read this, wasn’t awake to see it unfortunately and I haven’t watched a video yet to see what UN reaction was.

As for his comments on Obama and his administration, they’re right on fucking point, but I still believe that we live in such a scary world right now that the man and the administration he speaks of are actually our best chance of any kind of social progress.

If you still want to vote Green or Libertarian or Vermin Supreme or whatever, fine, it’s your right and I respect it, but if you find that Romney and Ryan (who are both on record as saying they’d continue many of the same anti-free expression policies and the drone strikes, in addition to the other scary shit they want to do) and their cronies are as fucking terrifying as I do, you think that a mentally and politically incompetent Commander-In-Chief was bad enough when his name was Bush, and if you feel that you’d still like some minute chance of being able to reason with the federal government while you’re rallying support for a BETTER federal government in 2016 (because, I’m sorry, but you’re just not gonna get Jill Stein elected in 6 weeks when most of America’s never heard of her unless she releases “Gangnam Style II” or something), then you’re probably going to want to vote for Obama.

With that said, this speech is a tale of two men who, despite some pretty glaring misgivings, some of us are putting an awful lot of faith in. I really hope that neither of them fuck that up any worse than they have already.

Edit: it’s also worth noting, if you hadn’t heard yet, that Julian Assange and Wikileaks are officially considered enemies of the United States of America as of today.

September 12th

Posted in My Big, Black Cock. on September 12th, 2012 by Scott Crawford

I thought it would be just a little different this year. Hoped, really.

I thought that, because I’d heard almost nothing about it in the days and even hours leading up to it, people might give it at least a bit of a rest. After all, it wasn’t a “big”, emotionally charged anniversary. That one, the 10th anniversary (Americans love round numbers), was last year, and even that was quieter than expected, maybe because people were finally 9/11ed out, maybe because the guy widely accepted as being the mastermind behind the attacks got shot in the face a few times a few months prior, or maybe because folks could start to see a new building poking up from the New York skyline. Maybe this would be the year that people would stop picking at the scab.

Don’t get me wrong, the scab is always tempting. It itches. It’s ugly. It’s an obstruction. It also always looks like it will heal sooner or better if you just give it that one last scratch. Learning to leave it alone has been a lifelong battle for me, and judging by the state of both my middle fingers right now (I’m a nervous picker), not one I’m winning.

We weren’t talking about my scabs, though. We were talking about AMERICA’S scab.

Did people leave it alone this year?

You know the answer to that already, if you were near a television or the Internet yesterday.

Of course they didn’t.

I don’t know if it was sense memory (identical weather near New York on a Tuesday) or what, but as soon as the clock struck 12, it started. America’s annual Halloween Spirit store of grief opened for business right on time. Honestly, in a lot of cases I saw, that’s what it felt like, and what it always feels like to me. Grief cosplay. It’s the one day on the American calendar where people can take their pain related to a particular event and make it a whole lot sluttier than usual.

This isn’t to say that some peoples’ grief isn’t real, not by a long shot. I know people who were there. I know people who lost family, friends and neighbors. I met one guy who took the morning of September 11th off to run errands, and as a result, is the only person still alive from an office of over 30 people. Within about a degree or two of my acquaintance, people attended a lot of fucking funerals.

As far as I am aware, I have not personally lost anyone as a result of the events of September 11th, not yet anyway. I’m sure this “disqualifies” me from speaking about this subject in the eyes of some people (there are rules, after all), but since those people already don’t think my opinion counts, then it also won’t count if I call them ridiculous, self-centered, and arrogant for acting at times like their losses give them a monopoly on grief, or on how people choose to grieve. I have lost people before, and I understand that it has this way of making you think your pain is bigger than the rest of the world’s, but it never excuses it.

So, back to that “not yet, anyway” from the last paragraph: I know one guy, nicest guy you’ll ever meet, who suffers like hell from diseases he got from being in lower Manhattan during and after the attack, and a bunch of other folks who are in the high-risk category to eventually develop illnesses (some of them terminal) due to their prolonged exposure to the toxins that were in the air after the World Trade Center fell. One of the people in that high-risk category is my sister, who I’m after pretty regularly to get checkups and stay on top of her health in light of this. Of course, plenty of those folks have had to fight tooth and nail to even have their illnesses acknowledged, never mind taken care of. You see, insurance companies don’t want to pay for them. Our government doesn’t really want to pay for them, either, and since insurance companies could be considered part owners of the U.S. government by this point…well, do the math. This happened on Monday, almost 11 years after the fact, and far too late for many of the people affected.

Why were many of these people exposed to these lethal toxins? Apparently, from what I saw, because “the terrorists would win” if the financial industry was disrupted for too long. Stocks and bonds were deemed to be worth substantially more than the lives and well-being of the people who trade them for a living. Man, even the Soviet-era Russians gave up the ghost on the status quo after a few days when Chernobyl happened, but no, we couldn’t do that. We had to keep the rich folks getting richer and show how tough we were by throwing more bodies on the pile, plenty of which weren’t dead yet.

We’re still doing it, too. We’ve had two wars in some sort of progress since we scrambled the jets a little too late. One of those wars, the one in Iraq (which is supposedly “over”, though we have permanent bases within the country now and people are apparently still dying), had nothing to do with 9/11, but the folks in office sure wanted us to believe that it did. You can read about the casualty numbers on that conflict here, though we’ve done kind of a lousy job keeping track of how many people we’ve killed there. The other one, the one in Afghanistan, is still very much in progress, though I bet this isn’t too far from the truth of how our soldiers there feel. As for casualties in Afghanistan, good fucking luck making sense of these numbers.

Did we ever get the people behind the attacks (besides the ones who, you know, killed themselves actually making the attacks), though? Yes, Osama Bin Laden’s dead. Just about anyone who realistically had a goddamn thing to do with him, the hijackers, or anyone who knew them on that level is either dead or in a cell in Cuba eating cockmeat sandwiches. There are a few exceptions, but eventually, sooner than later, they’ll attend a wedding or a funeral and a drone airplane will open fire on it. That’s happened a bunch in recent years.

I wonder if the survivors of these wars and those attacks or their families have a day like 9/11 in their countries yet.

I wonder what their Facebook walls look like, if they have them.

Are we making progress in any other parts of “the healing process”? Yes, there’s a new, ugly building just about done being constructed in The Big Hole In The Ground. It looks like one of those buildings in Dubai that I’ve seen pictures of, where all the rich folks of the world (including our rich folks) go to party. Funny how that works.

See?

Just below that building, there’s a new memorial open to the public. Sort of. From what I gather, it’s actually easier to get into the Guantanamo Bay detention facility than it is to get into the 9/11 Memorial and make it through a visit without being harassed. You need to get “tickets to 9/11″ (as someone, sadly I forget who, overheard some tourists saying in New York recently). You need to provide all sorts of information to the people running it. You need to display “your papers” at all times while visiting it. I haven’t visited it yet (though I’m thinking of doing so soon, just so I can experience this on a firsthand basis), but from everything I’ve read about it, it sounds more like a shrine to a rising police state than to fallen Americans.

If you want a better look at that police state, without getting a “ticket to 9/11″, just watch news coverage (if you can find any) of the one year anniversary of Occupy Wall Street this coming Monday. You should see a lot of people from all walks of life getting the holy hell beaten out of them by the police officers who’ve taken the place of “the brave heroes who gave their lives on September 11th”, a few blocks away from the World Trade Center, just for the crime of asking for a fair, equitable society.

Well, it seems that we’ve come full circle to anniversaries. Can we talk about a few others in relatively recent history?

Pearl Harbor: foreign attack on what’s now considered American soil, nearly as high a body count as 9/11, and it also finally kicked our asses into a world war, which led to a much greater body count. Yet, I’ve been alive for 38 years out of the 71 since that attack, and I’ve never seen the entire country STOP to “honor America” for the survivors or their families on December 7th. Hell, we barely close stores on Veterans Day and Memorial Day anymore, even though we keep adding veterans and keep losing them in wars.

Hiroshima and Nagasaki: kind of a big deal in Japan, and maybe the worst couple of days in the history of what we optimistically call “civilization”. Nope, despite there being about 767,000 Japanese-Americans (some of whom were either held in internment camps during World War II, or have relatives who were), no moment of reflection there, either. After all, we “won”, right?

Jonestown, which I’d imagine ripped San Francisco apart in a way similar to what 9/11 did to New York? Nope. No national day of mourning and reflection there. Best we sweep that one under the rug. After all, a white guy was behind all that, and hey, he was a Reverend, too! How do we explain that to the kids we’re trying to indoctrinate?

Waco? With that piss-poor body count? Please. Not even the killing of that most sacred of being, the unborn child (2 pregnant women died in the assault on the compound), could make us care about 76 people being burned alive by our own government on live television, because we were told that they were bad people. Bill Hicks had some pretty strong opinions on this, but of course, he’s not around to campaign for round-the-clock coverage of the Waco anniversary, nor would he if he were, because Bill was sane and decent.

Oklahoma City? Man, that was 2 white guys. We can’t let people get upset about that over and over again! We gave the locals a basketball team to shut ‘em up. Moving on…

Seeing a pattern here? (I mean, aside from “the guy writing this is a jerk”. I’m willing to take that if what I write wakes a few people up.)

I think there are three forces at play where the rather gross overmemorialization of 9/11 is concerned:

1. The propaganda wing of the fascist elements within the United States, including but not at all limited to your Fox News types. This structure really didn’t exist during any of the previous events. It started when Richard Nixon met Roger Ailes while he was working on the Mike Douglas Show. Yep, another thing we can blame Nixon for. Someday, I’ll make a full list.

2. Racism and other assorted forms of xenophobia. This event painted a target on the second biggest religion, in a country where most of the extremists practice the biggest religion. (No, not American football or money, at least not exclusively.) That “biggest religion” had a huge power grab in progress before this happened, but this was an event they could point to and say “See? Those people aren’t just practicing a different faith than ours, they’re THE ENEMY!” to people who’d probably never even met a Muslim.

3. The vanity and selfishness of rich, mostly white baby boomers, the group most heavily and directly affected by the attacks. Let’s face it, after World War II, a lot of soldiers settled in the Levittowns and such around New York City, and had kids that became the stockbrokers killed in the attacks and the media moguls who did business with them. A lot of the world’s power in both finance and news media is concentrated in a few square miles of Manhattan, as a result. Those kids grew up into adulthood with parents who’d just “won” a world war, parents who were referred to as “The Greatest Generation”. If you don’t think they’re going to tell *their* story, for better or worse, or that they grew up feeling at least a little more entitled than the average person, then you’re obviously not human or paying attention.

None of the other rather tragic events I named had the perfect storm of these three factors, and given how things have played out with them in play, I guess we can actually be sorta thankful for that.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m self-aware. I suppose it’s pretty vain of me to write a couple thousand words in the middle of the night, loosely about how 9/11 makes me feel (as a guy who has not yet lost anyone from the attacks), and to expect folks to read it or care. But, well, I have and I will tell you how I feel anyway. I’m mad as hell, but not for the reasons I’m “supposed to be”. I’m mad that, in the aftermath of these attacks, the country I live in has made a complete transformation into the country we were never supposed to be. We were fearless, and now we’re afraid. We weren’t free, but we were a freer place and now we’re profoundly less so. We kept telling ourselves that we were “the good guys” and occasionally we were right despite how we treated those who were on this land before us, other American citizens and people abroad. Even that, we’ve pretty much given up on, and have stopped even pretending to have any moral high ground. These things are my “loss”, and why I grieve.

There is one more thing that makes me both angry and sad, though. The person I’m closest with that experienced the World Trade Center attacks? The one who was MIA for a few hours while her family waited to hear from her? The one who had to run from the collapse and the debris cloud, managed to get to the Staten Island Ferry, bum a ride across Staten Island from a co-worker, walk across the fucking Outerbridge because it was closed to car traffic and hitchhike the rest of the way home by 1 PM? The one who, at last count, still had her dust-covered shoes in a Ziploc in her closet? She’s told me that, every time she hears someone say “NEVER FORGET”, she kind of wants to punch them, because all she wants to do is forget that day, and no one, not even the people who were there and understand that no one should’ve had to experience and re-experience that day, will let her. (Hell, I’ll probably hear shit from her for making her “part of the story”, as it were.)

Folks, for the good of her and people like her, will you please accept that it’s OK for some people to “forget” certain things and live their lives?

Motherfucker Day XI!

Posted in My Big, Black Cock. on September 11th, 2012 by Scott Crawford

Happy Motherfucker Day!


Welcome to the 11th Annual Motherfucker Day, motherfuckers. For you motherfuckers who are late to the party, here is the story of Motherfucker Day, as it was written on this day in 2002:

“From this day forth, September 11th will be known to all people as “Motherfucker Day”. Motherfucker Day honors the word “motherfucker” as one of humanity’s greatest contributions to planet Earth.

To observe Motherfucker Day, all one needs to do is say “motherfucker” at the end of every sentence, or at least every sentence that you remember to end it with. For instance, “Can you please pass the salt, motherfucker?” Or, “I love you, motherfucker.”

You can also put up banners that say “motherfucker” at your home, workplace, school, or place of worship; write the word “motherfucker” on walls everywhere (if you get busted, simply tell the police “I’m no criminal, motherfucker!” They’re sure to understand, and let you go.); and, if you’re so inclined and they’re consenting, feel free to go ahead and fuck someone’s mother. Hell, they could probably use it. This is just a short list of ways to celebrate Motherfucker Day, and is by no means complete. If you can think of another way to celebrate Motherfucker Day, feel free to do it, and certainly feel free to tell us about it here!

That’s all for now. Hopefully, by issuing this decree to all of humanity, I’ve done something to make an otherwise ordinary day feel just a little more special and festive. Spread the word! Tell a friend! September 11th is Motherfucker Day! Enjoy your new holiday, motherfucker!”

Wow, my last two posts were somewhat bipolar.

Posted in My Big, Black Cock. on September 3rd, 2012 by Scott Crawford

Second to last post.

Last post.

I think that last one was just visible evidence of Modern World Fatigue. Things are very fragile and unstable in the world right now, and while they have the potential to be brilliant, they could also turn to complete and utter shit in a heartbeat. Maybe the world’s always been like this, I don’t know, but it feels more pronounced these days and it does get to me sometimes.

Anyway, I’m kind of not sure what to do with this site at the moment. I’m in a period of “I have several domains. What should I put where?”, so there hasn’t been a ton of activity at any of them lately. I don’t get a ton of comments here, but if you could, let me know what you think of when you think of things that I’d post on My Big, Black Cock. It might help me get a clearer picture of how this site’s perceived. I’m not huge on doing what the nice focus groups tell me to, but I am always grateful when people give me insight into how they look at what I do.

© 2000-2008 Scott Crawford

On January 24th, 2001...