Therapy

Posted in My Big, Black Cock., Scott Crawford's Free Music. on January 22nd, 2012 by Scott Crawford

there ain’t no peace, no guarantees
so much for hope, we all still bleed
no other way that i can see
looks like i’m back in therapy

how many chords? don’t know any
a line of shit that they’ll believe
this should make long beach scream for me
i sure belong in therapy

the fucking lights are back on me
won’t cut through drunken apathy
i’ll never be ready
we’ll skip the four, now one, two, three

the world is fucked let’s fucking burn it down tonight
a touch from you would make the crazy shit alright
i’m just like you, i’m broken, angry, spoiled and white
us vs. the universe, they should’ve called the motherfuckin’ fight

send in the clowns, you fucking win
i’m climbing out of the trash bin
at least i’m not on heroin
or would that be more genuine?

my life has brought me to my knees
picture of incompetency
i give it all away for free
didn’t learn much in therapy

i’m still in pieces, as you see
Still can’t lose my virginity
I get this burning when I pee
I fucking quit, sing it for me

the world is fucked let’s fucking burn it down tonight
a touch from you would make the crazy shit alright
i’m just like you, i’m broken, angry, spoiled and white
us vs. the universe, they should’ve called the motherfuckin’ fight

2012 scott crawford. fuck copyright.

This site will be blacker than usual tomorrow.

Posted in My Big, Black Cock. on January 17th, 2012 by Scott Crawford

Here’s why.

The boss told me to change this sign, so I did.

Posted in My Big, Black Cock. on January 3rd, 2012 by Scott Crawford

Always loved that ol’ gag.

Yep, I’m still alive.

No, I don’t have a lot to say at the moment.

Actually, it’s more like “I have a million things to say, but they’re all bottlenecked.”

Please stand by. I’ll say or do something, eventually.

11th Annual My Big, Black Cock coverage of the ING NYC Marathon

Posted in My Big, Black Cock., NYC Marathon. on November 6th, 2011 by Scott Crawford

Important links:

Official Marathon Site | Official Marathon Facebook | Official Marathon Twitter

Pro Men’s Bios | Pro Women’s Bios | Pro Wheeler’s Bios | Marathon FAQ

Official Marathon iOS App | Official Marathon Android App

Track My Runners (via web and SMS)

Official Marathon Flickr Tag | Official Marathon Flickr Tag (Slideshow View)

7:15 AM: What, did you think I wasn’t going to do it this year? Fuck that. I’m just waking up, but I’ll be starting up momentarily with links to the pro bios and such. Let me eat my breakfast, take some drugs and we’ll get things under way.

7:30 AM: OK, some of the links are up, breakfast has been eaten, and the TV’s on. First shots of Ft. Wadsworth! Still need to take drugs, though.

7:40 AM: Channel 4′s showing non-marathon stuff for the next 80 minutes, damn them. Little by little, I’m digging up all the pertinent links. Took my drugs, too! If you’re a longtime marathon viewer like I am, you’ll notice that the pro men’s and women’s bios have a lot of new faces, especially the women’s pro field.

7:55 AM: I’ll be using the iOS app today too (on an iPad 2), along with the television, so we’ll see how that works out. Ideally, I’ll be able to track individual runners without fighting server crashes on the main marathon site, so if you’d like updates on your people (especially if they’d like a shout-out on here!), give me a buzz with their race info (and preferred way of having their name mentioned here, since, yeah, this site isn’t everyone’s favorite way to appear in Google results) at suck@mybigblackcock.com!

8:00 AM: On an unrelated note, Open House NYC (one of the unrelated pre-marathon shows) just featured a cool sounding non-profit called The Book Connection, based in Queens Village, NY. Alas, despite my link, their site appears to be down. Book Connection folks, get in touch! I’d love to help out and know others who probably would, too. Time for Meet The Press to shovel some shit our way for an hour. I’ll be bringing you more marathon resources in the meantime, if only to keep my sanity while these bought-and-paid-for nutjobs spew their nonsense.

8:22 AM: Wow, they just busted out an Onion quote on Meet The Press. This makes me incredibly happy, as The Onion is one of the only papers in the world who are actually reporting the news.

8:30 AM: Pro Wheelers just about to start. WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
!!!!!!!!!!!1111111

8:33 AM: The rest of the start time schedule, if you didn’t see it on the Marathon FAQ yet.

Handcycle Category and certain AWDs start at 8:55 a.m.
Wave 1 (including other AWDs) starts at 9:40 a.m.
Wave 2 starts at 10:10 a.m.
Wave 3 starts at 10:40 a.m.

Stay tuned! Meet The Press will be put out of its misery soon enough!

8:39 AM: Ha, Jennie Finch is running today. Good luck, Jennie!

8:40 AM: For those of you on Twitter, the #ingnycm tag is the one the official marathon account is suggesting.

8:43 AM: Man, I need coffee. And Advil. Back in a few, folks!

8:57 AM: Advil and Ethiopian coffee acquired, and Meet The Press is OVER, baby! NBC goes live in 3 minutes!

8:59 AM: Handcyclists about to start! Kudos to the Official marathon Twitter for staying on top of things this year!

9 AM: Wow, in-app purchase required to watch the marathon on the iPad. Apparently, they’ve never heard of commercial. Ah well. Al Trautwig doing the intro on my TV. We’re getting started. Awwww, nice tribute to Grete Waitz in the opening. We’ll miss you, Grete, just as we’ll miss you, Deb. This one’s for you gals.

9:05 AM: Kurt Fearnley’s in the lead pack of 4 men’s wheelers, no surprise there. The surprise is that he hasn’t put away the pack. He’s usually crazy strong out of the gate, even was when he dragged his shoulder along 4th Ave. in Brooklyn. We’ll keep an eye on Kurt and the rest!

9:07 AM: Tatyana McFadden and Edith Wolf-Hunkeler neck and neck in the womens’ wheelers. That should be a scrap. Mark Messier (he’s a hockey player, folks) is running today! So is Apolo Ohno (who’s apparently an Olympian and won Dancing With The Stars; I don’t watch a lot of either, so I’m unfamiliar).

9:12 AM: Pro women about to start! RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
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Really nice touch here, Joan Jett’s cover of “Roadrunner” playing the women off as they take to the Verrazano. I think that’s new.

9:18 AM: First commercial break comin’ atcha.

The booth seems to love Mary Keitany this year. Me, I’m waiting until they’re into Brooklyn before I make any predictions in either field. Weather’s gonna change rapidly this morning, 10-15 degree sweep, so it’s really too early to pin down a frontrunner in my book.

9:19 AM: Every time I see Ft. Wadsworth, I wonder if Snake Eyes is hangin’ out with the marathoners. He’s much cooler than Mario Lopez, though Mario’s definitely running today.

9:21 AM: Fearnley and McGrory are leading the wheelers’ packs. Mary Keitany’s the rabbit in the womens’ pack as they’re finishing up the bridge.

9:24 AM: Ha, CHILEAN MINER II: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO! Awesome stuff, Edison Pena came back even after a tough, tough race for him last year.

9:26 AM: Edison Pena just busted out with a little “Suspicious Minds”. Seems like he’s in good spirits.

9:28 AM: Another little video tribute to Grete before commercial break 2. I think we’ll see a LOT of these today. Very few people have given to this race like Grete has, so that’s a solid, classy use of television time.

9:30 AM: Mary Keitany’s got a 30 meter lead already! Jeebus! Men’s wheelers are halfway through the race, Kurt Fearnley, Kota “Hoki” Hokinoue and Masazumi “Soey” Soejima are the lead pack there. I have to like Fearnley, gutsy racer, one of the gutsiest athletes I’ve ever seen in any sport.

9:36 AM: Almost time for the first wave of the masses and the pro men. Also: you can’t even see the rest of the pro women. I think Keitany’s strategy is damn near suicidal. TV commentators have her running a pro men’s pace. They just showed the Fearnley crash from ’06 again. Brutal. Guy got up and set the fucking course record, though. He is a monster. First mention of the Five Borough Challenge. They’re going with “people who have faced significant challenges” as their theme. They’re underway already, but they just mentioned the damn thing now.

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9:40 AM: Meb!

Pro mens’ intros happening now. Must every sporting event abuse “Enter Sandman” now? Ugh.

9:42 AM: Oops, organizers had their Mutais mixed up for a second there.

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9:46 AM: Weird, different recording (assuming it’s a recording) of “New York, New York”. That’s not OK. Did the marathon get licensing-jacked or something?

9:48 AM: Gary Russo singing “New York, New York”. With all due respect to Mr. Russo, HE AIN’T FRANK.

9:50 AM: Official marathon Twitter reporting a minute lead for Mary Keitany. Nuts. Just…nuts. If it works, she and her trainers are geniuses. If not…well, she’s gonna have a miserable time once she’s into Manhattan.

9:51 AM: MOAR COFFEE. Back in a minute!

9:54 AM: Wow, she’s not even there, and they still have to bring up Paula Radcliffe. Obsessed, NBC! You’re obsessed!

9:55 AM: 1 minute and 20 second lead for Keitany.

9:57 AM: Another Grete video package. Comments by Bill Rodgers! I wish he’d spend more time with this marathon.

10:01 AM: Hour 2 of TV coverage starting. 25 runners in the men’s lead pack right now at 3 miles-ish.

Wow! Masazumi “Soey” Soejima wins the men’s wheeler race! He’s been bridesmaid a few times here and won Boston this year, but I still have to consider this an upset! Congrats to him! Here’s some video of it!

10:04 AM: Women on mile 10, still a pack of 5 women who are about 500 miles behind Keitany.

10:06 AM: Someday, NBC Universal will give their people decent transmitters when they’re on the course. Lotta tech glitches again this year.

10:10 AM: Sisay of Ethiopia in the men’s lead, but the commentators have the rest of the men’s pack (down to about 15) laughing at his tiny, ineffective penis based upon his credentials. Hey guys, remember Gomes dos Santos?

10:14 AM: For those of you not interested in the race at all, Miranda Cosgrove from iCarly is making spaghetti tacos on “Hungry Girl” on the Food Network!

10:15 AM: Official race Twitter gives Sisay some props, noting that he finished well in the NYC Half with this strategy.

10:20 AM: The masses have just hit 4th Ave. in Brooklyn. Second wave just started!

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Mary Keitany is 5 minutes ahead of a world record (yes, world, not course) pace right now.

10:21 AM: Biggest disappointment of the marathon so far? The iOS app being ransomware, essentially. What a damned waste of resources.

10:24 AM: Men’s course record seems to be under threat today, too. I think we’re gonna see a rough time in Manhattan, though.

10:25 AM: Amanda McGrory wins the women’s wheeler race, 2006 winner, now 2011 winner! Congrats, Amanda!

10:26 AM: I just yelled “RUNNNNNNN!” at the TV set again. The coffee, it is helping.

10:29 AM: Wow, Keitany’s on the 59th St. Bridge already? Christ. Also: video streams are totally borked on the web sites.

10:31 AM: Jennie Finch in the 3rd wave, starting last, doing that “dollar for every person she passes to charity” deal. Good for her. 4 months removed from the birth of her second kid!

10:32 AM: Keitany slowing down a bit, but she’s coming onto 1st Ave. soon.

10:35 AM: Men’s pack down to 9. Sisay still there. I’m sorry, but I think he’s gonna finish stronger than everyone else does. Keitany’s turning onto 1st. Crowd’s going nuts.

10:37 AM: Women’s chase pack of 4 has cut Keitany’s lead, but they’re 2:19 back. Still under a course record, but being ridiculously outpaced thus far, with about 10 miles to go.

10:43 AM: In Greenpoint. Sisay in 4th, but with a really nice stride. Back in 1st now. I like the guy. Geoffrey Mutai seems to be the announce team’s favorite, and he looks good too, but there’s almost always an X factor in this race.

10:46 AM: Keitany just finished mile 17. Slower pace, but I’m not sure how much that matters if she keeps running. Huge if.

10:49 AM: Masses all on 4th Ave. in Brooklyn. Good to see ‘em! Hope they get more airtime this year!

10:54 AM: Men’s race at the halfway mark. Emmanuel (not to be confused with Geoffrey) Mutai in the lead right now, Sisay in 3rd.

10:57 AM: Keitany still slowing down, but way ahead. Men’s pack on the 59th! Commercial (and MOAR COFFEE) time.

10:59 AM: About to start hour 3 of live TV coverage. Men about to hit 1st Ave. Me, I’m on my 3rd cup of very strong coffee before Noon, and I feel like Lloyd Bridges in “Airplane!”.

11:02 AM: Let’s see if I can give y’all a full view of the men’s pack: Emmanuel Mutai, Kebede, Kisorio, Geoffrey Mutai, Sisay, Kibet Kosgei, Gebremariam, Meb, Gharib, Luis Barrios. Been steady through the bridge, basically. Men on 1st!

11:03 AM: Men just passed Dangerfield’s! (Just givin’ some respect.)

11:05 AM: Women’s chase pack down to 2 (Deba and Dado). Keitany down to 5:47 on her last mile, not good splits here, but she could hang on, still like a 90 second lead at last report.

11:08 AM: Video package about 9/11 families running the race.

11:10 AM: Sisay still hangin’ in! I like this guy.

11:14 AM: Keitany has 4 miles to go, with a minute lead. She could blow it, but her two pursuers aren’t exactly striking fear into her heart.

11:17 AM: Keitany finally visibly laboring. This is kind of a bad time to start doing that. Not to be the NBC broadcast team or anything, but Paula Radcliffe started laboring around the time she came off the 59th, in a similar spot. Chase pack can FINALLY see her again. This should be an interesting 15-20 minutes.

11:20 AM: Men’s pack: Kebede, G. Mutai, Kisorio, E. Mutai, Gharib, Gebremariam, Meb, Sisay, Luis Barrios, Kibet Kosgei. TV team just noted that Meb smiled like the cat who ate the canary, so watch for a burst of speed from him soon.

11:25 AM: Keitany’s lead down to less than 30 seconds! Deba looking strong!

11:26 AM: Keitany’s collapsing at the 24-ish mile mark! Men’s pack going nuts finally! This is getting real.

11:27 AM: Deba, Dado and Deba neck and neck now! This is batshit. Keitany surging again, responding to her pursuers! That’s tough.

11:31 AM: Men’s pack: G. Mutai, Gebremariam, Kebede, E. Mutai, Kisorio, Gharib, Meb, Sisay, Kibet Kosgei, Luis Barrios. Mile 21 there. Geoffrey Mutai breaking out. Commentators love the guy. He might finally be earning it here. Undefeated this year, that speaks something about his strength and experience here. Women’s pack down to 2, Dado in the lead, Keitany about 5 seconds back, Deba fallen behind.

11:33 AM: Dado is putting this away! Commentators shocked, because she’s an out-of-nowhere racer. Deba in second, Keitany in 3rd. That’s gotta be rough on her, but it’s amazing it took so long for it to happen.

11:34 AM: Dado about to win! RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
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11:35 AM: Congrats to Firehiwot Dado, NYC Marathon women’s winner, official time of 2:23:15!

11:38 AM: Deba and Keitany 2nd and 3rd, respectively.

11:39 AM: On the men’s side, Geoffrey Mutai is having some GREAT negative splits. Possibly threatening the course record.

11:45 AM: 2 Mutais in the lead right now, Geoffrey in 1st, Emmanuel in 2nd about a minute back. If Emmanuel finishes 2nd, or better, he beats Geoffrey in the World Marathon Majors. How about that?

11:46 AM: Official times for 2nd and 3rd in the women’s race, Deba had 2:23:18, Keitany had 2:23:38. Congrats, ladies!

11:49 AM: Geoffrey Mutai could actually set a course record in NYC, after setting the marathon world record in Boston back in April. No one’s ever set the course record in both races in the same year. Tesfaye Jifar’s course record is toast!

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Congrats to Geoffrey Mutai, 2011 NYC Marathon winner, and Emmanuel Mutai, 2011 World Marathon Majors winner! Emmanuel finishes second, of course. Times coming up! Both beat Jifar’s course record!

11:54 AM: Kebede beats the course record too! 3rd place for him, congrats! Gebremariam in 5th! Meb with a personal best, in 6th place! Great race all over!

11:56 AM: Gonna try to lock down all the official times for the top 10 as soon as I can. The masses should start to hit the finish line soon. 2:05:06 is the new course record, by about a minute and a half!

12:00 PM: Lunch break! Back in a few!

12:15 PM: Sorry about that. I was starving! While I was away, they had a few interviews at the podium (Deena Kastor to Mary Keitany: “What the hell were you thinking?”), and they showed McFly waiting for a runner! No, not Darenzia McFly (totally NSFanything), Marty McFly! Michael J.! I wonder if Tracy’s running, or if it’s one of his kids. Just about to get to the masses, and this year, they’ll have a crawl on the TV showing the names of each finisher in order until they sign off at 2 PM! Nice.

12:19 PM: BREAKING NEWS: Geoffrey and Emmanuel Mutai are going to form a rap group called the Mutai Clan. (Yeah, go ahead and boo, it’s an awful joke. Sorry, couldn’t help myself.)

12:22 PM: Ha, they found Paula Radcliffe at the finish line! She’s everywhere! She’s planning on running in 2012.

12:26 PM: Ed Norton at the finish line, hangin’ out. Didn’t run today, isn’t playing the Hulk in the Avengers movie…Ed, what are you doing with yourself? Ahhh, charity web site called Crowdrise.

12:27 PM: Awwww, Meb puked toward the end of the race, which is what took him out of his game. Still a great showing for a great guy.

12:29 PM: Updates from the marathon Facebook: Mark Messier past mile 15, Jennie Finch around mile 10. Serious kudos to the social media teams working this race, keeping us in it better than TV in some cases.

12:32 PM: Five Borough Challenge video package time! Great people running it this year.

12:38 PM: Michele Gonzalez of Staten Island takes the Five Borough Challenge!

David Robertson of the Yankees being interviewed. Doing some charity work for pancreatic cancer research, good guy. Totally not running this race, ever.

12:39 PM: Editor of Runner’s World being interviewed. Running with Diabetes, testing his blood as he runs. That’s tough.

12:46 PM: Christoph Niemann is drawing the marathon as he’s running it! That’s some shit right there.

12:51 PM: I AM THE GREAT CORNHOLIO!!!!!!1111 Sorry. Coffee jitters.

12:55 PM: German dude across the line, best marathon time ever. Now is the time on Sprockets in which we run!

12:56 PM: Best NYPD finisher being interviewed. Did he beat the firemen in? No word on the Mayor’s Cup winner yet.

1:00 PM: Wedding in progress during the race! Oy.

1:01 PM: Tonight on Sunday Night Football, it’s the (alleged) murderer vs. the (alleged) serial rapist!

1:02 PM: Apolo Ohno is close to the finish, Mark Messier’s on mile 19 and Jennie Finch is still on mile 11, which would indicate some struggling on her part. Hang in there, Jennie!

1:09 PM: Some folks running in Pat Carroll’s name for Alzheimer’s research. Good stuff.

Someone from “The Bachelorette” running. That’s nice, dear.

1:13 PM: Every time I see mention of this JackRabbit on the broadcast, I think of this Jack Rabbit. I blame this guy.

1:15 PM: Apolo’s finish time here.

1:27 PM: Fred’s Team video package. Louis Campbell out there running for ‘em, has a 4 year old boy named Ty in treatment for the disease. Lotta good causes out there today. Leading from there to another Grete Waitz tribute. For those wondering, seeing her book “Run Your First Marathon” in the library and taking it out is what got me to start running, so yeah, thanks, Grete. I promise you (and Deb) that I’ll get back to running very, very soon.

1:33 PM: Long, long interview with the race director, Mary Wittenberg. Terrific job organizing the races, I get it, but man, there’s folks out there running this thing. Jack Weitz, Grete’s husband (who hasn’t been able to run like this in a long time, by the TV team’s account), is just about to finish the race, just to name one of those folks. Talk to Mary at length in the wrap-up, not while people are running!

1:34 PM: And we’ve hit the “wow, let’s fellate the race broadcast sponsors with video packages” point of the broadcast. This is not the way to tell stories.

1:36 PM: Christy Turlington Burns is running for Every Mother Counts today. That’s a story worth telling.

1:38 PM: Coffee jitters finally wearing off a bit! Good deal.

1:43 PM: Jack Weitz finished the marathon! First time he’s run it in 17 years! Struggled through injuries, got through it, though. Congrats, Jack.

1:44 PM: Michele Gonzalez is the first 5 Borough Challenge winner from Staten Island! There’s hope for Staten Island yet!

1:45 PM: They found Jennie Finch! She’s in Manhattan! Keep it up, Jennie! Reporter, leave her alone!

1:47 PM: The couple that got married on the course are across the finish line! Best wishes to ‘em!

1:48 PM: There’s Mark Messier! Guttin’ it out. Keep it up!

1:52 PM: Commentators starting to wax poetic about the race, working toward the wrap-up. I’m hoping they give us some more stories from the people out there on the way out. I’ll wrap up when the damn broadcast is over.

1:56 AM: Heather Rolls is waiting for a living transplant, stage 4 liver disease. She’s finishing up her race, absolutely glowing. Hang in there, Heather!

1:57 PM: And that’s it for the TV broadcast. Stronger, more even effort than last year’s coverage, even with some of the speedbumps. Again, the Facebook and Twitter people working this race did a fantastic job, so kudos to them. I mentioned the issues I had with the iOS app (and I’d imagine the Android one’s similar), and I think that’s something that can be worked on. Enough about the broadcast media, though.

Best of luck to everyone still out there running. If you read this, stop by and say hi, I’d love to hear your stories. I will join you on that course soon enough, goddamn it. Best of luck to everyone who’s already finished the race on your recovery. I hear it’s ouchy. Take it easy, folks, and take pride in a job well done.

As for what we’ve seen so far today, some pretty incredible performances, some great stories, and some great lessons. “Keep going, but for the love of Pete, pace yourself, enjoy yourself, and damn it, don’t get in Jennie Finch’s way when she’s doing something” seem to be but a few of them. We could all learn from these lessons, I think, even the Jennie Finch one.

If you’ve been sitting home reading my coverage, either as a companion to the broadcast or as a standalone thing, thanks for doing so. This was a tough one to get up for, with a lot of mixed emotions because this year, I lost someone who I met through doing this coverage, but man, would she kick my ass if I didn’t give this my best, so hopefully I did. Thanks for everything, Deb, the friendship, the inspiration, the laughs, all of it. Wish I would’ve gotten to know you better, or at least to meet you in person, but I’m so glad I got to know you regardless. Sorry to get heavy on the rest of you, but my friend Deb’s as much a part of the story of me doing this coverage as just about anyone, and when I eventually get off my ass and run this fucking thing, she’ll be an important part of that story too. Let’s all do her the honor of living fantastic lives moving forward. This is me, signing off for another year, with one last…

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Motherfucker Day X!

Posted in My Big, Black Cock. on September 11th, 2011 by Scott Crawford

Happy Motherfucker Day!


Welcome to the 10th Annual Motherfucker Day, motherfuckers. For you motherfuckers who are late to the party, here is the story of Motherfucker Day, as it was written on this day in 2002:

“From this day forth, September 11th will be known to all people as “Motherfucker Day”. Motherfucker Day honors the word “motherfucker” as one of humanity’s greatest contributions to planet Earth.

To observe Motherfucker Day, all one needs to do is say “motherfucker” at the end of every sentence, or at least every sentence that you remember to end it with. For instance, “Can you please pass the salt, motherfucker?” Or, “I love you, motherfucker.”

You can also put up banners that say “motherfucker” at your home, workplace, school, or place of worship; write the word “motherfucker” on walls everywhere (if you get busted, simply tell the police “I’m no criminal, motherfucker!” They’re sure to understand, and let you go.); and, if you’re so inclined and they’re consenting, feel free to go ahead and fuck someone’s mother. Hell, they could probably use it. This is just a short list of ways to celebrate Motherfucker Day, and is by no means complete. If you can think of another way to celebrate Motherfucker Day, feel free to do it, and certainly feel free to tell us about it here!

That’s all for now. Hopefully, by issuing this decree to all of humanity, I’ve done something to make an otherwise ordinary day feel just a little more special and festive. Spread the word! Tell a friend! September 11th is Motherfucker Day! Enjoy your new holiday, motherfucker!”

I try to avoid being this kind of a self-indulgent prick…

Posted in Help A Brother Out., My Big, Black Cock. on June 8th, 2011 by Scott Crawford

…but my birthday’s coming up, and I do feel like being a self-indulgent prick this year, so here’s what you can do to help a brother out:

My wish list is here. Not a lot on it, most of it isn’t expensive (though I’m fine with it if you wanna buy the Paul Levitz DC Comics book that’s over $100), knock yourselves out.


Do you like this site? How’s about throwin’ some money in the tip jar, then, Spanky?




Note: just about every time I actually say anything about people sending me a gift on here, some person or another that I don’t talk to anymore tries sending me money or presents in an attempt to buy their way into me talking to them again. It’s been tough, but in these cases, I’ve actually sent things and money back more than a couple of times now. However, starting today, if anyone does this (especially repeat offenders, and there’ve been a few), I will be keeping whatever is sent to me, and continuing to not talk to the involved parties. Thanks in advance for anything you decide to send me, but that’s all you’re getting out of me. Seriously, you guys, we don’t talk for good reasons (some of which are for your benefit as much if not more than mine), and you have more important things to spend your cash on, so be REALLY sure that you want me to have cash or frivolous things more than that other stuff, despite the fact that I’ll continue not talking to you.

If you’d prefer to do things that are less geared toward me having more stuff or cash to blow at the dog track (in all seriousness, my indulgences of this nature are few and far between, as I’ve got next to nothing coming in, gas is expensive and it costs a lot of money to maintain a life), all of the charity suggestions I listed last year are still viable ones. George had his day in court, but hasn’t heard back on a decision yet, is still in rough shape, and relief could take months even if his case reaches a positive outcome. This year’s Race For McGee is next weekend, June 18th, and I’d be happy to see you help out Deb’s cause. Brad is still helping out City Year via Ordinary People Change The World, too.

Finally, if cash, goods and services are out of the realm of possibility for you, then just drop me a line and tell me how you’re doing. That’ll work.

I really need to remember this feeling, in case I can’t express it in words later on.

Posted in Man, fuck those guys., My Big, Black Cock. on May 30th, 2011 by Scott Crawford

It’s basically like emotionally-charged needles are sticking into every nerve ending in my body, making me feel hurt, angry, depressed, defeated, abandoned, betrayed, and alone. It makes me feel like I can’t do anything but focus and fixate on the pain I’m dealing with, or doing destructive (not of the scale or type that I did in my youth, and not physically destructive to me, but still destructive; compulsive spending has been my weapon of choice in recent years) things to try and blot it out somehow. Yet, I know that if I get it to go away or lessen before I put as much of this feeling into words as I can, I’ll be betraying myself alongside the betrayal I’m experiencing from the people who I’ve put in charge of my care, so I have to just write as much as I can about it, while it’s here, hang onto it, try to externalize it, and hope that someone with a conscience and a soul gets to read it and decides to show some decency and compassion in the situation I’m in with them.

I fucking HATE that I even have to look for that from a person or an organization that I feel so thoroughly fucked over by right now, being a sometimes-too-proud person, one for whom trust is in short supply, and one who does like to stand up for what’s right and against what’s wrong when I recognize things as being such, but this is the way things are right now. I have 6 weeks until my currently scheduled day in court, one that will determine the course of at least my next few years, if not the rest of my life, and these people are trying to make me go away for reasons that still hold absolutely no water, ring as inauthentic, and seem to lack even the most basic compassion. Not to mention the “Hey, fuck them” I feel for putting me in a situation where someone else who exhibited very poor judgment in a great many situations that affected both them and myself may read this and get to feel even the slightest bit of “I was right” smugness. The person in question wasn’t right as it applies to this, and my even caring about what they think about this situation in the first place is still only stupid pride and a vague interest in that someone not having any more deluded ideas about The Way Things Were, but hey, fuck these people for giving me even a second of that distraction and possibly screwing the other person up further as well, when I have so many much more important things to think about.

It’s been said that being able to communicate brings us closer together and is one of our (or at least my) greatest strengths. Normally I’m inclined to degree, but in situations where my life and my personal survival truly depends on it, my ability to communicate these thoughts and feelings clearly and the least bit eloquently just seems to make the people I’m communicating them to think that “if I’m OK enough to say all of this rather than just fucking drooling on myself and illiterately begging for mercy, I must be “OK” in general”. Either that, or they just plain don’t give a shit, or aren’t paid enough or unafraid enough to stand up to the people who give less of a shit than they do. Either way, I’m mad as hell at a world that deals with things this way, and I can’t help but be mad at myself sometimes for having so much of that “potential” that I’ve heard about having for my entire fucking life, the stuff that makes certain people doubt that I could ever be weak or incapable or anything short of brilliant, to sound immodest for a moment, when the reality is that I’m a few weeks shy of 37 years old, still suffering from serious mental, emotional, and probably neurological issues that have plagued me my entire life (documented back as far as early childhood), unable to really take care of or provide for myself in a lot of the ways that count, show up for things on any kind of a sustainable basis, unable to trust, unable to forge lasting friendships and relationships with people without serious difficulty, and most of the time, unable to speak one one-hundredth of the words I’ve just spoken about my difficulties out loud in any attempt to convey the weight and severity of my issues when asked. Sometimes, I’m too riddled with anxiety to speak to people at all, even if I have no reason to fear anything from them. I was too terrified to talk to Jane fucking Wiedlin a few weeks ago without severe prodding and a few attempts, and I have at least one witness to this. It sure as hell isn’t pretty, and when I talk like this, it guts me to, because it’s never easy to be candid about this much weakness for anyone, I don’t think, but does this even begin to illustrate just how totally, royally and completely fucked I am? I hope it does.

I still feel those needles after typing this. I don’t know what I’m going to do about that. Do I dull them with what I’ve been legally prescribed and responsibly dulling them with over the past few years? Do I leave them there? Will I be able to get any sleep in the next 16 hours or so before I have what may be my final discussion with the people entrusted with my care about these things either way, and what shape will I show up in there if I do or don’t sleep? When I hand them a print-out of this post, as well as print-outs of several other things I’ve posted or written about in recent weeks, will any of it make any fucking difference to my situation, regardless of what shape I show up in?

Two random, hopefully unrelated quotes from a dream I just had…

Posted in My Big, Black Cock. on April 28th, 2011 by Scott Crawford

“Once you get past the punishment for the fart, you’ll have a good legacy.”
-Chuck Scarborough, to the nun who was sitting next to him on the plane

“Nah, man. They’re just making a cat food commercial, and trying to soundtrack it with ‘Deuce’ by KISS.”
-me, to an unnamed guitar player who interrupted my pornography reading to tell me that people were actually making pornography in the next room

Know what would’ve been cool?

Posted in Man, fuck those guys., My Big, Black Cock. on April 28th, 2011 by Scott Crawford

If the US media decided to spend all the money they’re pissing away covering this stupid goddamn wedding in England on health care for the uninsured.

Oh well.

Yeah, I don’t know, either.

Posted in My Big, Black Cock. on April 24th, 2011 by Scott Crawford

So I had a weird dream this weekend that Lee Mazzilli had a band in the late ’70s that reunited in the late ’90s, produced by Billy Corgan. They covered “Medusa” by Anthrax.

Middle Ground

Posted in My Big, Black Cock. on April 21st, 2011 by Scott Crawford

I don’t want to live in a world where I never hear differing opinions that may open my mind, cause me to reconsider my positions, and ultimately might make me a better person. Echo chambers suck.

However, I’m not terribly interested in being relentlessly subjected, passively and aggressively, to arrogance, ignorance, idiocy and madness in the interest of “keeping an open mind” anymore, either.

I’ve spoken of this a bit before, but in the past few days, I’ve started to take a more proactive approach toward eliminating some of the noise, and am carefully considering my options before taking further steps.

What steps have you taken to find the middle ground I’m searching for and working toward?

Marathon update

Posted in My Big, Black Cock., NYC Marathon. on March 21st, 2011 by Scott Crawford

Contrary to earlier reports that I was going to, I haven’t registered for the marathon yet. I also don’t really have the $200 laying around to do it, if I do in fact get selected (it’s a lottery; I missed the cut last year), because I went through a really undisciplined few months financially. Compulsive spending is a helluva drug, and it’s something I’m wrestling with mightily at the moment.

I’m not telling you guys this in the interest of getting a single red cent from you, and chances are, I’d send back any money directed to me for marathon entry, just because I haven’t earned it by training steady or behaving with responsibility or, in this case, integrity. I procrastinated on signing up for the lottery, despite my word otherwise, and now it’s basically too late to do much about it because my financial situation isn’t strong enough to pay someone $200 to let me run 26.2 miles. In the interest of full disclosure, without beating myself up too much (really, I’m not), I’m telling you all what’s up so that you don’t think I’ve just given up or that I’m not keeping my word. If lottery day came and went and you didn’t see any news about my status for the ’11 marathon after my years-long determination to get myself in there, that’d look fishy to me, as a reader, especially one who’s been let so far in on the workings of things where I’m concerned.

I feel kinda like I’ve let myself down here and let you folks down, and I’m sorry for that, but I’d be even sorrier if I lied or just skulked off with nary a word on the subject. There’s a lot of people that I want to run this thing for, starting with me, continuing on to George and Deb and even Meb, who I’ve talked with a little on Twitter recently. I actually feel physically great, if out of shape, so I’ll be getting back to running possibly as soon as this week, but I’m not so sure about New York this year, just because I kinda screwed my finances in a way that’d make it tough without help that could go to any number of far more worthy causes at the moment.

So, that’s kind of where I’m at.

Music

Posted in My Big, Black Cock., Scott Crawford's Free Music. on March 21st, 2011 by Scott Crawford

So, a couple of days ago, as I was cleaning out an old directory, I came across some of my music, and for the hell of it, I put it on and listened to it.

Some of it’s still very much “me”.

Some of it sounds like a Polaroid of me taken in 1990-something.

I don’t know that I’d want to still do that stuff 5-10 years from now, or maybe not even now, just because it’s not at all who I am anymore, and I’d feel like I was doing “Head Like A Hole” or something else that’s been rendered totally irrelevant in the present day by the passage of time and the number of times I’ve heard it. I don’t care if I get hit with They Changed It, Now It Sucks. I’m not going to do anything that I feel is a drag anymore. I’m not doing anyone any justice if I’m not enjoying myself. I can do difficult things, but I can’t do things that make me unhappy or disinterested, or that make me feel dishonest.

At the same time, I don’t want to do shitty adult contemporary music like everyone does at about minute 51 of their “Behind The Music”, despite one prediction years ago that I’d go in that particular direction.

I don’t really know what I want to do.

I love music, I love singing, I love composing, I’m not that big on playing instruments live (never have been, just not disciplined or interested enough), but I’m still sort of in limbo. I’ve been mostly incommunicado about things with the couple of people interested in making music with me, mostly because I don’t have any news or answers for them, and probably won’t for a while longer until I can set things up so I feel comfortable actually playing and making music somewhere.

I’m not sure what I’m trying to say here, really.

I was just struck by how different a person I am than the person who wrote and recorded those songs.

It’s been an interesting 5 years, since I recorded the last of what you’ve all heard of mine.

In other news…

Posted in My Big, Black Cock. on February 14th, 2011 by Scott Crawford

Yep, I’m still alive. I just haven’t had much to say on here over the past month and a half.

I’ve been much busier in other parts of the web that would probably bore the shit out of most of you, but where I’m having the most fun I’ve had writing in ages.

New Year’s Resolutions are on pace, sorta.

Everything else has been somewhere between delightfully and agonizingly quiet.

So, not a lot to say here at the moment. When I have something substantial to say, you’ll know about it. In the meantime, in addition to the aforementioned other parts of the web, I say some other sub-140 characters stuff here, if you’re kinda jonesing. If you’re really jonesing, I’m not above bribery.



Annual Valentine’s Day Public Service Announcement

Posted in Man, fuck those guys., My Big, Black Cock. on February 14th, 2011 by Scott Crawford

As I do every year, and have for over a decade now, I’d like to provide you with the information necessary to tell those cocksuckers what you really think of their fucking holiday.

Hallmark:

Email: info@hallmark.com

Or call them at 1-800-HALLMARK

De Beers:

clientservices@debeers.com

Or call them (toll-free this year!) at 1 (888) 376 9230

If you have suggestions for customer service emails/phone numbers of companies that belong in my annual announcement (I actually like florists and flowers, so I usually give them a pass), let me know.

Have fun!

© 2000-2008 Scott Crawford

On January 24th, 2001...