A Note From The Wacky Office Prankster…
I just punched my boss right in his fucking face.
At first glance one would think that this was a hostile act but actually it was just a playful office prank. The series of events that lead to this playful gesture were all harmless in their intent. You see, I am the office prankster. You may have someone like me in your office. I play wacky little practical jokes on my colleagues to keep the mood light when work is becoming stressful. I am greatly appreciated by my fellow employees because without me around, “things would be so dull”.
It all started with little jokes like knocking on someones office door and then running down the hall, giggling and hiding, putting thumbtacks on the toilet seats or the occasional wedgie in the break room. As my reputation as the Wacky Office Prankster grew I started to feel pressure to perform. Afterall, I take my job seriously and didn’t want to do a half assed job. So, I started doing things like pissing on the kitchen floor and pretending that I was “confused” and thought I was in the bathroom. Or accidentally walking into the ladies room and saying, “Well since I’m already in here…”
Everyone loved this stuff. But the pressure to perform was mounting. Most of my pranks revolved around my bodily fluids, which is just my style, but I only have so many fluids. So I arranged to have Phyllis from Accounting’s daughter kidnapped for a couple days. I paid some guy $100 to kidnap this girl from day care and hold her in a warehouse for three days while I left phony (and hilarious, I might add) ransom notes. After I let on that it was just a prank we all had a good laugh about it (except Phyllis, who had a nervous breakdown).
Anyway, after shitting on the president’s desk and projectile vomiting on the Friday morning bagels in front of everyone, I was basically out of ideas. Was this the end of the Wacky Office Prankster? I mean, I’m not a very bright man or even particularly creative for that matter. So, I figured if I was going to retire then I’d go out with a bang.
So, about 20 minutes ago I walked into the executive conference room while my boss was in a very important meeting with prospective clients and punched him right in the fucking face as hard as I could. It was hilarious. I was dying. Oh, yeah I was naked too. I thought that was just the right touch. I just heard one of the EMT’s say something about a broken jaw bone, but hey, we all have to sacrifice a little, you know. I think morale will be quite high for a while.