“Either fuck me, die or leave me alone.”

Now, you can take that literally (bombastic and silly as it is), or you can take it figuratively, but the sentiment, drug-induced though it may have been when first uttered, still rings true after all this time. In slightly less neanderthal terms, it means “either play a role in my life that I don’t mind, risk incurring my wrath which has been know to be a rather uncomfortable experience, or, well, leave me alone.” That doesn’t mean “my way or the highway” on anywhere near everything, and if the people who know me well have learned one thing, it’s that I appreciate and respect the people who challenge me. It just means that in my world, you can either treat me respectfully, treat me otherwise at your own peril, or keep to yourself and let me do the same. Fuck me, die, or leave me alone. I’m sure I’ve mentioned the quote and the concepts involved frequently on this site and others over the years, but it came up again tonight, and I managed to articulate it pretty well when it did, so I’m hoping it translates well here.

I’m at the point in my life where I really don’t want anyone around me who’s going to waste my time. If you’re really interested in being around me and being my friend or whatever else, prove it. It’s actually not that hard. All you have to do is show up. I would absolutely love to have anyone cool around who wants to be a part of the craziness that is my world. However, if you don’t want to be here, feel that you can’t be here, or if you’re not sure, it’s in everyones’ best interest that you keep a polite distance.

I’ve got more than a few in my life who I get a lot of excuses from these days, and I’m just like “Why even bother getting my hopes up? We both know that if you wanted to be here, you would be here already.” I’m finding that the people who really do care and tell me they’ll be here for me show up or die trying to. For the rest, I’m seemingly viewed as a nostalgia trip, a guilt trip or worst of all, a time killer in between filling out MySpace surveys. I’ve got news for y’all. You’re wrong. I’m a human being, whether I like to admit it (or show it) or not, and I get disappointed just like you do.

Maybe I shouldn’t do this, and I’m working on adjusting my expectations in these situations accordingly, but I get especially, bitterly disappointed when people show just enough interest in me to make me think they want to be a real and tangible part of my life, then bail. It makes it really hard for me to accept the words and actions of the people who really do want to be here at face value too, and that’s totally unfair to them, and something that, again, I have to do extra work on every time this happens to me.

I’m not saying that the world revolves around me, or that it should. A lot of people in this world have a lot of shit going on, and it makes it hard for them to even catch their breath for a minute. That part, I understand all too well. I am saying, however, that I have a pretty good idea of who’s really here for me in this world at this point, and who isn’t. I’m also saying that if you can’t be be there and show up and take an active role in my life, whoever you are and whatever that role may be, that’s alright, but don’t say you will and disappoint me on a regular basis, because I’m finding it very difficult to forgive people who do this nowadays. If you can’t be around, even if you want to be, that’s fine, and I’ll try my best to understand. Hopefully there will come a day when you can show up and hang out and play my reindeer games. You’ll find that I have a big heart for people who haven’t been around in a while. In the meantime, though, it will make it that much harder for me to accept it if and when that day comes if you continually do things that make me believe that something’s going to happen, then don’t deliver on it. Walk the walk, people. That’s all I ask, and that’s all I try my damnedest to do for you all.

Finally, if you think I’m the kind of person I describe in this piece, someone who doesn’t show up, doesn’t walk the walk, and disappoints you…tell me so. I might even agree with you. Besides, if there is a problem, it’s never going to be corrected unless I know about it, is it?

This entry was posted on Sunday, October 1st, 2006 at 4:05 am and is filed under My Big, Black Cock.. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.