And the award for worst person ever goes to…

Posted in Man, fuck those guys. on November 21st, 2008 by Scott Crawford

…the guy who posted a Sammy Hagar album in a lossless audio format on one of the torrent sites today. Apparently, he doesn’t realize that “lossless Hagar album” is an oxymoron. When you post Sammy Hagar albums on teh Internets, EVERYBODY LOSES.

Yep, my incomplete short list is something like Torquemada (”Let’s face it…you can’t Torquemada anything!”), Hitler, Stalin, J. Edgar Hoover, Mark David Chapman, Michael Alig and some guy who posts Sammy Hagar albums on the ‘net.

Oh, and Stacy London. Man, she’s awful.

Oh, and while we’re talking about commercials in rotation on TBS…

Posted in Man, fuck those guys. on October 3rd, 2008 by Scott Crawford

Frank Caliendo sucks.

You’ve probably read about this elsewhere, or seen the commercial…

Posted in Man, fuck those guys. on October 3rd, 2008 by Scott Crawford

…but I’m pretty bothered by DirecTV’s new commercial, where they revived the late Heather O’Rourke (and dyed Craig T. Nelson’s hair) to hawk their service with a sendup of “Poltergeist”. Now, dead people in commercials, be it Col. Sanders, Orville Redenbacher or the old Coke commercials with Louis Armstrong and the like, are nothing new, but “Poltergeist” was a creepy movie to begin with, and the girl died at a very young age while making a “Poltergeist” sequel. There’s just something that doesn’t sit right with it about me. Maybe her parents beg to differ, I don’t know, but I’m squicked.

Your Tax Dollars At Work

Posted in Man, fuck those guys., My Big, Black Cock. on September 29th, 2008 by Scott Crawford

Congress shelves 9/11 health bill

Do I really need to spend much time on editorial commentary here?

Metallica’s “My Apocalypse”

Posted in Man, fuck those guys., Reviews: Scott Crawford on August 31st, 2008 by Scott Crawford

Short review: Hey, wow, some half-assed band ripped off “Battery”. Oh, wait, it’s Metallica. Never mind.

Longer review: This one actually wouldn’t be so bad if there was a shred of focus to it. It’s not as completely off the rails as the “St. Anger” stuff, but you can tell that they’re just trying to show their audience (and maybe themselves) that they can still “thrash”, and in the process, they’re kind of ignoring the whole idea of there being a song somewhere in there, and they still look like a bunch of old men scrambling for their hard-on pills. Come to think of it (and pardon the pun there), “Cialis…it helped me avoid ‘My Apocalypse’, and it’ll help you avoid yours too!” has a hell of a ring to it. Someone get their management on the phone for me, we’ll make millions together.

Metallica’s “The Day That Never Comes”

Posted in Man, fuck those guys., Reviews: Scott Crawford on August 22nd, 2008 by Scott Crawford

Short review: Wow. Some half-assed band ripped off “Fade To Black”. Oh, wait. It’s Metallica. Never mind.

Slightly longer review: in fairness, this is a lot better than anything on the last, oh, how many pieces of shit did they put out between “Load” and “St. Anger” again? 3? I forget. However, it’s painfully obvious that they’re pretending to be Metallica so we’ll like them again. It sounds like one of those bands of old guys who get back together and do a song that sounds like they’re trying to be who they were 15 to 20 years ago. Yes, exactly like the last 2 albums The Cult have put out, now that you mention it. Soon, both of these bands will be licensing their music to people who make hard-on pill commercials. Also, someone really needed to chaperone Lars while they were recording this, just to keep him from turning the drums up in the mix. Dude, we know you tuned your snare this time. We’re very proud of you. Can we hear the guitars and bass now, please?

The Dark Knight

Posted in Man, fuck those guys. on July 29th, 2008 by Scott Crawford

Well, that’s 2 1/2 hours of my life I’ll never get back.

Hey, Nolan! Learn how to pace a movie, for fuck’s sake. This is 2 Batman movies you’ve screwed up now by letting them go on FOREVER. Apparently, you’re not into the whole brevity thing. Acquaint yourself with it, or at least let this guy edit your movies, because you’re just not good enough at building tension to be using up all this running time.

Ledger was alright, but unless it’s a really slim Oscar field and a really misty-eyed Academy, there’s no way he gets a statue, and no way people’d even be thinking about awards if he had a pulse still.

So yeah, about that Simpsons movie…

Posted in Man, fuck those guys. on July 11th, 2008 by Scott Crawford

$65 million to make an average, 75 minute episode of the TV show? I’m fairly confident that the FCC wouldn’t have fined Fox 50 million dollars because Marge said “God damn it!” and Bart had his wang on-screen for a second.

Don’t get me wrong here. I don’t hate The Simpsons. They’re not a religion to me like they are to some, but I can usually laugh when I watch the show. However, I can think of much better things to do with 50 million dollars of Fox’s money. Maybe not more profitable things (the movie grossed half a billion dollars…), but better things. I could make a really big bong or something. I don’t know. Maybe that would make a lot of money, if you marketed it to the same audience.

Fuck Twitter.

Posted in Man, fuck those guys. on July 2nd, 2008 by Scott Crawford

Call me when it works.

So it seems that the ads are getting more interesting over at LiveJournal…

Posted in Man, fuck those guys. on June 22nd, 2008 by Scott Crawford

…and by “interesting”, I mean “disruptive”.

There’s apparently a Flash file or three that I haven’t nailed down yet that make all sorts of noise on certain LJ pages. If anyone happens to know the domain wild card I could block to make the bad noises go away, I’d appreciate that information.

But, in light of all this, isn’t my slow, gradual phasing out of LiveJournal (and MySpace, who are guilty of similar things, and, not being too naive, I’m certainly looking over my shoulder while I’m on Facebook…) a terrific idea?

Evil, greedy people have purchased LiveJournal from another bunch of perhaps not as evil, but certainly greedy people, though I lean toward “evil” in my opinion of the Trotts in recent times, and after the supposed free lunch that our Internet social lives have had over the past decade, it would seem that services like these are becoming a bit more unfriendly in their old age, and it isn’t surprising, because every jargon whore’s favorite word, “monetization”, just isn’t happening.

Now, full disclosure, not that I need to defend myself, but: I serve text ads on both of my web sites. I do so because they’re unintrusive (and if they ever become intrusive, please contact me and let me know), and in the case of the Cock, it gives all the people who get confused by my domain name and my content a place to go. Things with audio, loading/streaming video, and things that you just plain can’t get rid of easily through ad blockers, those are what we call “evil”, because in Scott Crawford’s world, disruption is the most unspeakable evil.

You’re going to see a lot more of that particular evil in the coming months and years all over the ‘net after something of a lull, because “the shareholders”, which we’ll call them because “the cunts” isn’t very polite, are disappointed in ad earnings, and don’t have enough money to gas up their Hummers. Well, you silly bastards, maybe you should’ve paid attention to the fact that people hate annoying ads before you invested an assload of money in them, no? And about those vehicles…I’m thinking that eventually, people (not me, I’m not a violent sort) will get angry enough at you for ruining the Earth with them to see if the consumer grade versions hold up to explosive force as well as the military ones, so I’d consider maybe putting the things up on blocks, buying a cheaper car with what it takes to gas the thing up a few times, and letting the neighborhood kids fuck in the pieces of shit instead of driving it. After all, I hear they’re very roomy, and teenagers are always looking for new, creative places to get laid! But I’m off on a tangent, aren’t I?

Anyway, get good ad blockers now, and consider moving all your personally valuable content (anything from contact information for your friends to journal entries about how your sandwich sucked at lunch today, if you consider those valuable) to servers that you can exercise more control over. It doesn’t have to happen today, it can be gradual, don’t worry, but it’s worth investing the time, energy and bother into centralizing your data in a place where people who *need* to access it (yourself or others that you trust with it) aren’t at the mercy of stupidity like difficult-to-block multimedia ads, revolving door company buyouts, with each company getting progressively worse, or something totally ridiculous, like a company engaging in libel against you and your business because you used a funny name for your web site.

Now, granted, unless you develop an entirely new Internet or find an effective enough “swarm” method of content distribution and always-on connectivity (think BitTorrent taken a bit further) for you to maintain an online presence at all times without being beholden to any bandwidth provider, there’s always going to be some give and take, and no matter what any emboldened moron who talks about offshoring objectionable content may tell you, if there’s enough of a stake in it, yes, the people atop the hierarchy of the ‘net will eventually shut off entire countries in the interest of isolating that content or data. It’s gonna take something pretty spectacular for that to happen, but I bet that we see it at least once in our lifetimes, if there isn’t a current example of it happening that someone can point out.

However, for the most part, if you’re running your own site rather than piggybacking on a LiveJournal, a MySpace or whatever, like we used to do before everyone got lazy, you have a good deal more say as to what does or doesn’t appear on it. Maybe not absolute say, but the control’s significantly more than it is otherwise. Driving people to self-sufficient sites is tougher, but in a lot of ways, the benefits outweigh the drawbacks, and the drawbacks are gonna start becoming even more visible, as I’ve pointed out. With all the talk about going “green” and reducing pollution and all that, perhaps it’s time that a concerted effort is made by people to go “data green”, avoiding harmful corporate audiovisual pollution whenever and wherever possible.

Just something to chew on as you get over your hangovers this Sunday morning, and with that, I’m off to go food shopping, and have some cashier give a database an inventory of everything this household uses, to cross-reference against previous shopping trips! Ta!

(And apologies if I sounded more British than usual when I typed this. I just watched 3 episodes of Doctor Who in a row, in the middle of the night, on a disrupted sleep schedule. You try sounding American after that.)

OK, Hands Up…

Posted in Man, fuck those guys. on June 17th, 2008 by Scott Crawford

Who else thinks Firefox 3 (or, at the very least, the default theme) sucks?

You’d think she actually won something…

Posted in Man, fuck those guys. on June 7th, 2008 by Scott Crawford

…looking at the pre-Clinton “suspension” speech coverage.

By the way, it’s nice of her to say “I’m out…kind of”, “suspending” her campaign rather than ending it (presumably holding out for a dead girl or a live boy in Obama’s bed), instead of doing the honorable, decent thing and saying “I’m ending it”. The choice of language is just sort of curious, in that typically Clintonian way. Women of America, is this really who you want speaking for and leading you? Maybe “But it’s a woman!” is significant on some level, but it shouldn’t be the whole story, I’m sorry. Imelda Marcos, Eva Braun and Britney Spears are or were women, too, so’s Ann Coulter, despite rumors to the contrary. Let’s get down to brass tacks, folks. Getting rid of a glass ceiling doesn’t mean shit if you replace it with a ceiling that has spikes on it. We need the most capable, honorable person to lead this country, and it doesn’t matter if it’s a man, a woman, a black guy, a white guy, a gay guy, a lesbian, a dwarf, a quadriplegic, or a cyclops with AIDS and a speech impediment.

OK, she’s talking now, let’s see what she has to say.

She’s done, and I suppose that’s about as gracious as it’s going to get. She’s still talking like she won something, though, and maybe she has won something we don’t know about yet (we’ll have word on that whenever Obama chooses a running mate). Maybe I’m not as enthusiastic about the “big picture” victory she kept alluding to, that we should be doing cartwheels because it’s even possible for a woman to run against an African-American man for the Democratic Presidential nomination, because I’ve become outraged in my old age that any of that ever mattered in the first place or may still matter now in this country. That any of this information is still important to anyone in the world at this stage of the game, not just Americans, makes me embarrassed for and ashamed of humanity.

Some may say that I’m the last person on Earth who should get uppity about these things, and that my sense of humor (from the name of my web site on down) is at cross purposes with my attitude toward discrimination, bias and prejudice, but the goals of any joke I make along those lines are to point out the absurdity of that line of thinking to begin with (”My God, do people really think like that?”), and to do that whole “laughing instead of crying” thing that tends to bring out the best humor, in my view. That said, “let’s not make this about me”.

To get back to Hillary Clinton, my major gripe with her is and always has been that, no matter how compelling a public speaker she’s capable of being, there’s a serious integrity deficit there, just like there was and is with her husband. I don’t need to detail it here (Google her if you’re curious), and if I did, someone would probably just come along and claim that Hillary, like Roger Clemens before her, “misremembered” when she said and all those things. I’m not going to claim outright that Barack Obama won’t turn out to be the same kind of person; he is, after all, a politician, even if he’s a very good one. The difference between the two is that we don’t KNOW he’s a total fraud like we do with the Clintons, who are more suited to reality television than politics. There’s a chance he could turn out to be decent, unlike his opponent in the primaries or his opponent in the general election (who appeared to be the closest thing the Republican Party had to a man of conscience two elections ago, but has led a scorched Earth policy against reason and decency ever since, fuelled by his desire to get the religious right to like him so he’d be “electable”). I’m totally willing to take my chances with Barack Obama, and if it doesn’t work out, I’ll admit that the country failed, but also take pride in the fact that we were willing to try something new.

The Clintons are still patting themselves on the back for all “they” did for the economy when it was my friends in the tech industry and academia who did all the heavy lifting that the Clinton administration took credit for. No World Wide Web (and no, Al Gore didn’t “create” it either, despite the fact that he was always a proponent of its development), no Clinton-era economy, and anyone who thinks otherwise is foolish. Bill and Hillary would take credit for creating pussy if you let them, just because they both eat a lot of it (Allegedly, lawyers, allegedly!). I can’t blame them for doing that, as I love pussy, but I’m not the kind of guy who’d go around taking credit for it, either. Besides, I’d get in a whole mess of trouble for that whole “menstruation” thing I left in by accident if I did cop to it.

All silliness aside (and I’m sure there’ll be a few of you who read this and think that my silliness demeans some of the more serious points I’ve made here, but that’s nothing new), today’s Clinton sorta-concession speech should’ve happened a week ago, was well-spoken but had about as much sincerity to it as anything else the Clintons do, and will do little to dissuade the unfortunately very vocal lunatic fringe who are going to continue to yammer about how they’ve been disenfranchised just because most news web sites have open commenting now. Folks, let me give you a hint, if you’re still on the “I’m not voting for Obama because Hillary lost” train: if you’re going to play the role of disenfranchised victim spoiler nutjob, don’t vote for McCain or write in Hillary Clinton’s name like you say you’re going to. The line to Ron Paul’s campaign headquarters forms here instead, and your votes will at least make my friend Frank Edward Nora happy, even if they don’t do a hell of a lot otherwise.

As for me, to somewhat ironically (given my whole attitude about race and gender in the first place, which I stated above) quote something I read somewhere earlier this week: I’m “VOTING FOR THE BLACK DUDE!” (Sorry, Ev, but the crassness of that sentence was too hilarious for me not to share.) I will be voting for Barack Obama come November, unless the aforementioned proverbial “dead girl or live boy” show up, in which case I will be voting for Cookie Puss. Actually, if Clinton does get reason to “unsuspend” her campaign, I will grudgingly vote for her, but I’m really going to feel like the person who has sex with someone undesirable so their friend can get laid too.

Regardless of who you choose to vote for, though, it is essential and vital that you register to vote and and show up to do it on election days big and small. I got very informed about my town’s mayoral race this past year, for instance. I still need to read up on school elections more than I do. This stuff is all important, no matter how Diebold tries to fix it. If you’re not there to vote in the first place, you can’t claim that they rigged your vote, case closed.

Posted in Man, fuck those guys., My Big, Black Cock. on June 6th, 2008 by Scott Crawford

God, I hate FLAC nerds.

I had two good ideas while I was out. Here’s the first.

Posted in Man, fuck those guys., My Big, Black Cock. on May 18th, 2008 by Scott Crawford

First, and I preface this by saying that, while I kid a lot and sometimes let some pretty out there, violent thoughts get voiced when I’m frustrated or angry, I’m actually not a violent person, but…I feel that it’s high time that we find whoever’s responsible for the Axe line of products (body spray, body wash, etc.) and put them through the slowest, most excruciating, embarrassing horrible, public execution possible. I know a lot of y’all, particularly the ladies in the audience, have been with me on this for a while because of the advertising campaign, but for me, it’s all about that fucking awful stink. I swear to fuck, I’m going to start telling people to go take a shower when I run into it, and I think the person who created it, ordered its creation, or signed off on it (behind every horrible decision, there’s one person crucial to it) needs to be punished.

How To Send Me A YouTube Link

Posted in Man, fuck those guys., My Big, Black Cock. on May 14th, 2008 by Scott Crawford

1. First, describe what I’m about to see in a little detail. Acceptable: “This is a video of Winona Ryder fucking a dog while singing Hinder’s “Lips Of An Angel”.” Unacceptable: “YOU HAVE TO SEE THIS!!!!111″

2. Second, send me the link.

3. Third, do not, I repeat, do not pester me about looking at it. If I want to, I will, but chances are, even if it’s something that may interest me, I won’t. YouTube, to me, is the equivalent of the entire Internet doing their impression of my sister calling me on the phone because there’s something really fucking stupid on television, which she has done many, many times, and I’m kind of over it. It’s also a disruptive activity, where, despite being in a multitasking environment, you have to pay attention, and I hate those.

Thank you in advance for your cooperation, which saves me the trouble of tracking down a good source for fire ants in suppository form.

© 2000-2008 Scott Crawford

On January 24th, 2001...