I have nude photographs of a “Golden Girls” cast member in my possession.

Don’t make me use them.

“Yo man, Cookie Puss there?”

“Who?”

“Cookie Puss, I want to speak to Cookie Puss man!”

“No. Nobody here by that name.”

“Cookie O’ Puss then. Cookie Chick, anybody man, I gots to speak to them!”

“There not here.”

“I say yo, I HOUSE you! Where’s Cookie Puss at?”

I was in Best Buy earlier, and mixed in with the 593,018 copies of the Liz Hurley “Bedazzled” remake that were on the $5.99 DVD rack was one solitary copy of “Chillin’ With Pingu“!!!!!!

I HAVE A FUCKING PINGU DVD!!!!!!!!

HAIL SATAN!

*penguin noises*

First off, let me save all of us some grief and state now that 22,000 + words are not going to appear between now and Midnight tomorrow night. That’s right, in all likelihood, I will not be a Nanowrimo winner this year. I’ve given it hell, but it’s been a crazy (as in rocking back and forth on a park bench because I haven’t taken my meds) month, and I’ve had to deal with a lot of interruptions that’ve gotten in my way. Sure, I could write 22k words of REAL crap (as opposed to just ordinary crap) between now and tomorrow night, but I value this story too much to do that. I’m not abandoning it by any means, but I am not finishing Part One of it by tomorrow night. Stay tuned, and add it to your friends lists on LiveJournal, as I will be continuing it, and there is a LOT of story to go yet. Congrats do go out to anyone I know who did manage to finish their 50k.

Next point of business: some time this week, I will finally be freed from the shackles of my bondage. The laptop’s currently estimated to be here tomorrow, but could be here as soon as today if the baby Jeebus loves me. I’m going to be very preoccupied with pissing on this machine and making it mine this week, so if I don’t do things that I normally would, don’t be shocked.

Question for this morning is a three-parter:

1. Did you go shopping this weekend?

2. If you went shopping, what, if anything, did you end up buying for yourself?

3. If you didn’t go shopping, was it because you were participating in “Buy Nothing Day” (which was very poorly promoted this year, probably because most of the people responsible killed themselves after the election), or was it just because you didn’t feel like it/didn’t have the money?

Looking forward to the answers. More later, undoubtedly.

So, being bored as I am, I’m using the “Browse” function on MySpace. Under advanced search, if you look for single women between 25-35 who live within 20 miles of me and are looking to date or get into relationships, there are 579 who show up. Now, if you check the “no” boxes under drinking and smoking but leave all the other criteria the same, that number drops to 33.

How many of you still aren’t using Firefox and BitTorrent?

Next question: how many of you have no idea what the fuck Firefox and BitTorrent are?

WHO LET THE DOGS OUT?!?!?!??!

ROOF! ROOF! ROOF! ROOF ROOF!

From this site:

Q: How can I get an autographed photo of Bob Barker?

A: Send written requests to: The Price Is Right, Price Productions, 5757 Wilshire Blvd. #206, Los Angeles, CA 90036. Also, be sure to include your address, and allow the production company about four weeks to send it out to you. If you prefer, you can submit an e-mail request to pir@tvc.cbs.com.

Take your memories of Ozzy Osbourne’s life and career (yes, he’s still alive, don’t worry) and replace Ozzy with Frank Sinatra in them.

…who attended last night’s Get Precious show at the very accommodating Axis Lounge, which we hope to visit again. The band are recovering quickly from all injuries sustained during the performance (damn groin pulls), and we’ll be back really soon to share the love with you all.

In the meantime…what are you wearing?

Like a Nick Cave doll, I want one.

On nights like these, I start to feel like I’d sell my fucking soul to be the most important thing in someone else’s life. Then, I remember that, even if there is a market for it and I wanted to, I couldn’t sell my soul because my sense of self would never allow me to, and that just makes me angry. One less ace up my sleeve in my struggle to live the life that I absolutely need to.

More than anything in this world, I need to find the one person out there who’s fucking dying like I am because we’re not in each others’ lives yet. I’m tired of being told that it’s crazy, unhealthy, irrational, unstable, obsessive, needy, codependent, or whatever Psych 101 word the folks out in TV Land like using this week, because frankly, I really don’t care if it is anymore. One person’s “fucked up” is another’s “basic human need”, as I’m reminded so often when I can’t understand why other people are so hard up for the things that matter to them. I’m really no longer concerned with what constitutes “normal” or “healthy” by anyone else’s standards. I’m developing a keener understanding of how I need to live, and goddamn it, I’m going to fight with everything I have left to get there.

There’s someone out there who is sitting in front of their computer right now wondering where the hell I am, and I need to find her before these thoughts eat both her and I alive. That’s all there is to it.

10 minutes.

What a fucking snake pit.

Anyway…