I think I’ve finally downloaded myself retarded.

Anyone born after about April 15th, 1990, I could’ve fathered. A lot of these people are on the ‘net now. Jesus.

I just logged into Friendster out of boredom, and as it turns out, they’ve added not only discussion boards, but a chat/instant messenger thing to the site. My question is, how much use are these things getting? Discussion boards, sure, that’s easy to gauge, but the chat applet, I doubt anyone even realizes it’s there, kind of like the “import RSS feed” functionality they added a few months back (that MySpace is absolutely dying for, whether the idiots who code the site realize it or not).

Are they just burning VC and killing time over there, or are you folks out in TV Land actually using the new features? Hell, are you using the site at all at this point? Feel free to add me and bug me there if so, though it’s late, I’m tired, and I don’t feel like digging up a link to my profile at the moment.

Puzzling stuff, certainly.

I’ve been thinking about writing a short guide on how to avoid fucking up your computer with spyware and some other basic security stuff, just because I keep running into so many of my friends who have done nothing, or just haven’t done enough to protect their machines. However, there are some daunting obstacles.

First off, being someone who’s only used Windows for a year and a half, and only started when I was dragged kicking and screaming into it, I really don’t think I should be the guy who’s telling you how to do these things. I am not an expert by any means, just someone who retains the information that’s been passed down to me by the Canadians I know in IT.

Second, I don’t want people coming to me saying “I tried what you suggested and it didn’t work!”, because again, I’m not an expert. If I offer you ideas on how to fix your machine, know that they’ve probably been passed down to me by people who really know what the fuck they’re doing, but also know that sometimes, these things aren’t foolproof.

Third and most importantly, I don’t want to give anyone else the idea that I know what the fuck I’m doing and can help them fix their computers. I’m not bad at this stuff, but for the millionth time, I’m not an expert, and I don’t really get much joy from doing it, aside from the minor satisfaction of knowing I can. As Kumar said, “just cause you’re hung like a moose doesn’t mean you gotta do porn.” Between friends and family, I go through this ordeal often enough. This isn’t to say that I mind helping friends and family (and while I’ve helped a few of you who will read this, please do not feel bad about asking for my help, or feel like I’m ranting about you; this is a much bigger problem than whatever happened to your computer and a little bit of my free time, and it needs to be discussed so that others may have a chance of avoiding your fate…), but it is to say that helping strangers might be pushing it, especially without monetary compensation. Even by mentioning that I know a thing or two, I’m sure I’m risking having at least one stranger or near-stranger come to me like “Scott, help!”, and it sucks that I have hard feelings toward that, because I don’t like to have the idea of helping people come with such negative connotations.

I do think it’s really terrible and sad that so many people haven’t got a clue on how to do some very basic things to protect their machines. Admittedly, it has its perks too (like unsecured wireless access, heh-heh-heh…), but by and large, it makes a mess of things. It’s not entirely the fault of the end user, either, because if they’re not friends with people who have to clean up after this crap all the time, chances are they’re not going to hear how much of a pain in the ass it is.

I believe that the blame falls squarely on the shoulders of the computer industry, and while I admit that it isn’t their job to be anyone’s mommy, I think they’re bundling their machines with ineffective solutions and little to no information that stresses both the importance of security and the ease of setting most of it up. Computers should come with warning labels like tobacco labels have in some countries. “Warning: this Internet shit will kill you if you’re not careful. Take precautions accordingly.” I’d suggest that some security measures be mandatory by law in bundled computer packages, but that would be abused to a ridiculous degree by the companies who had to do it, and the lawmakers who got to decide which security apps made the cut. You’d see Haliburton get into the home software business real quick if that happened, let me tell you.

Oh, hell. Just to prove that I’m not a complete bastard, I’m going to cap this article off with some legitimately useful information instead of just saying “I know something you don’t know!”. Here’s my advice on how to safely operate a Windows computer, and if you’re hearing any of this for the first time from me, you should know that you’re probably already fucked, but not irreparably so. Note that this information is provided as-is, without any warranty. I am not responsible for anything this information may do to your computer. Also, if you attempt to ask me too many questions about it or want me to hold your hand through the process of implementing my suggestions, there is a reasonably strong possibility that I may bite your fucking head off and spit it at your parents. Consider yourselves disclaimed.

1. (with edits as suggested by dev_null) Don’t connect to the fucking Internet without using a firewall! Either get a software one if you connect directly into your cable modem, or one built into your router. I’m not endorsing any particular piece of software here in the firewall market, but as routers go (and they have built-in firewalls, if they’re worth a shit), if you’re not looking to go bleeding-edge and just want something dependable, the Linksys WRT54G Wireless Router will take good care of you.

2. You’ve got the firewall, now get a fucking antivirus program! I’m not going to endorse any particular one, because there are things that suck about both of the major ones. Shop around, ask people what they use, and make a choice for yourself.

3. Check Windows Update regularly, or set it to auto-update. They have to patch Windows more often than I shower. Keep up, or you could be fucked.

4. If you’re running Windows XP, but haven’t downloaded and installed Windows XP Service Pack 2, do it NOW. Seriously. Jesus fuck! DO IT!

5. You know how Windows Update uses Internet Explorer? Well, that’s the only reason you should EVER open Internet Explorer. Seriously. It’s a fucking piece of shit, and it WILL fuck you. Unless you’re using Windows Update, don’t use it. Ever. I heartily recommend using Firefox instead, though other people prefer some other browsers.

6. AOL’s built-in web browser should NEVER be considered as an alternative to IE. In fact, it’s an even worse piece of shit, and the people who’ve developed everything up to and including the current version should be ashamed of themselves for allowing the company they work for to produce such fucking garbage. NEVER, EVER, EVER use AOL’s web browser!

7. Anti-Spyware programs: yes. You need them. Ad-Aware SE Personal Edition, Spybot Search + Destroy (I’m also partial to updating it with the DSO Exploit fix found here; tech people, if I’m making a bad move by doing this, please let me know), and for at least as long as it’s in beta and they’re not charging for it (I think the beta period lasts until July 31st, 2005), Microsoft Antispyware (Which used to be Giant Antispyware; don’t worry, Microsoft didn’t actually try to develop an anti-spyware tool on their own. You’re safe for now) are what I’d recommend getting. Yes, all three. You think I’m writing this shit for my health? I’m not fucking around here! Christ.

8. Sorry, but I’m a selfish prick on some things. I’m not going to tell you how to secure your router so that I can’t login to your wireless Internet connection. I need your wireless connections when I’m outside your homes and places of business. NEED them! If you don’t like that, then dig out the instruction manual that came with your wireless router, read it, and follow the instructions. This shit really isn’t rocket science.

I know and could suggest some other things (and am probably forgetting or just don’t know some others; feel free to add suggestions in comments), but I’ve given you enough help to get on your own two feet here. Use it. Please!

Blue dildo plugged into XBox. And no, that doesn’t mean I just tried to fuck an XBox.

This may be the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen in my life.

Fuck.

G’night, Doc.

Dear Yahoo,

You’re a bunch of fucking idiots.

Love,
Scott

Save-the-Wave is coming to Thursdays at Traxx Lounge in Lyndhurst, NJ!

Free! No cover! Gratis!
DJ Jim Dunlap (of the dearly departed Melody Bar in New Brunswick, NJ) spins New Wave, modern rock, rarities, cheese, weirdness…music that you haven’t heard in a while, and won’t hear anywhere else!

$1 Drafts and Well Drinks until 11 PM
Doors open at 9 PM

For more information (like directions and such), hit the Traxx Lounge site!

I’m in one of those weird moods where I walk around my house making up dirty lyrics to “You Make Me Feel Brand New” by The Stylistics.

Carry on as you were.

I’d like to provide you with the information necessary to tell those cocksuckers what you really think of their fucking holiday.

Email: info@hallmark.com

Or call them at 1-800-HALLMARK

Have fun!

My man Howard just did an interview with The Onion A.V. Club. Great to see him getting the notoriety he deserves for his work (even E.T., which would’ve been a great game had he finished working on the collision detect!), and it’s always great to read what he has to say about his time at Atari, or anything really. Somehow, I doubt I’d be able to book him at one of my events for what I did back in ’97, though. Need to drop him a line this week. It’s been ages since I’ve talked to him.

So I’m in the grocery store, and Stouffer’s dinners are half off. Cool, nice when the stuff’s on sale, I didn’t think much of it, just threw some in the cart. But then…oh my god. I get down to the Swanson’s stuff. For perhaps the first time in my entire life, both Stouffer’s and Swanson’s dinners were on sale at the same time. And we’re not talking some little sale here. We’re talking $2.00 HUNGRY MANS! Holy fuck. I came all over myself in the middle of the store. It was really embarrassing, but I got through it. And some little old lady gave me her phone number.

CACTOID :(