Throw another Schiavo on the fire, Bob.

Posted in My Big, Black Cock. on March 30th, 2005 by Scott Crawford

In the interest of not missing out on being part of “the buzz”, I may as well tell you about my personal take on the Schiavo situation.

I’m thinking that someone needs to make a porno flick starring Terry Schiavo and Pope John Paul II, called “The Feeding Tube”.

There. I think that should probably cover my “completely fucking tasteless” quotient for the year, and please the one reader I have who still wants me to write stuff like this (Hi, mom!).

Jose Canseco’s “Juiced”

Posted in Reviews: Scott Crawford on March 27th, 2005 by Scott Crawford

Just finished reading it. Did it in about 2 sittings tonight, over the course of maybe 4 hours. Terrific, compelling read. You don’t have like him, agree with the points he puts forth, or like where he’s going with them (speaking in an evangelical tone about the future of biomedicine and biochemical technology throughout much of the book), but I have no lingering doubts that Jose Canseco is more or less a credible person, and is telling the truth about the steroid situation in Major League Baseball. If that sentence sounds suspect, let me clarify it a bit. I say “more or less” because as we know, every athlete who’s ever told their story has exaggerated a story here and there, and mixed up a detail once in a while. It happens in fishing stories, it happens in drinking stories (trust me on this one), and it happens throughout non-fiction storytelling. If someone’s going to attempt to poke holes in someone else’s credibility by questioning minute details (like how Canseco fared in certain at-bats or when he reached second base while Bret Boone was playing in a certain season), they’re going to find a lot to work with in any story of this nature, not just Canseco’s. The fact-checker at Regan Books could have done a better job to help him bridge the credibility gap here, but I’m not going to call Canseco a liar over a few details out of an 1887 game career.

If it sounds like I’m rationalizing for any reason, I’ll do just a little more of that: going into the Congressional steroid hearings (which I watched all of save the first half hour of Jim Bunning’s testimony), there was all kinds of talk about how Canseco was going to plead the Fifth the whole time, how his credibility was shaky at best because he was a criminal and he had a grudge against the baseball establishment, and all sorts of other doomsday scenarios circulated involving him. Having watched that gut-wrenchingly long hearing, I can say in all honesty that the only person who came out of it looking better than they did when they went in was Jose Canseco. Unlike everyone else, he answered every question he was asked in the most straightforward and frank manner possible, even under the obvious duress of the situation. The only other person who came close to doing so was Rafael Palmeiro, but during the course of his testimony, he came off as a little TOO indignant, a little too pious, and the anecdotal evidence against him (examine his statistics from the day Canseco joined him on the Rangers until the testing policy was upgraded before the 2004 season, just for starters…) is pretty strong. Maybe he didn’t use steroids as Canseco alleges in his book, but he also didn’t come across as a guy who was telling the truth without a doubt.

As for why Canseco pulled the about-face, and said he’d speak out on the dangers of steroid use in front of Congress at the hearings after writing such a glowing ode to it just a few months prior, I can offer a few opinions.

First off, if it isn’t clear yet to any of you who are familiar with him, Jose Canseco loves his kid. That day, where he was probably already as nervous as he’d been in his life, and by his account, hadn’t slept right or at all in a few days, he was ushered into the chamber (and made to sit at a table full of contemporaries who were quite angry at him) after listening to two parents of kids who wanted to play ball talk about how steroid use/abuse drove their children to suicide. No parent worth a shit feels good about hearing stories of how anyone else’s kid died, but it’s gotta be especially rough to hear about kids dying because they’re trying to emulate you and your peers. If his anti-steroid stance in his statement and responses to questions seems like rushed, nervous backpedalling, imagine how you’d react if you were in his shoes.

Second, throughout the book, he stresses that steroid use is not something to be taken lightly. This is in no way inconsistent with his testimony, even with him offering to speak out about the risks and dangers of steroids. If anything, his perspective gives him a unique advantage over anyone else who would offer to do it. At no point does this book become any sort of an “Anarchist’s Cookbook” for would-be juicers; even with him giving a pretty fair amount of detail about which drugs do what, you won’t walk away from it knowing how to use steroids, growth hormones, or any other performance-enhancing drugs. In addition, he disclaims every bit of information about the drugs and any sort of regimen involving them by stating that they should only be done by full-grown adults, under the supervision of experienced professionals, in conjunction with a healthy diet and exercise routine, and restates in several points that steroid users should avoid alcohol and recreational drugs at all costs. Will the people who read this and want to take the easy road to his physique pay attention to these warnings? Hell no, but you can’t blame Canseco and Canseco alone for the inherent stupidity of human nature. He even recounts the excesses of Jason Giambi and former Tampa Bay pitcher Tony Saunders as cautionary tales during the course of the story as examples of how NOT to implement a steroid regimen.

A lot of people who read this have and will jump all over Canseco’s repeated insistence that he was the victim of bias, a person (and a player) who the powers that be chose to make an example of, and how in a lot of his troubles (and there seem to be many even by his retelling of things) he was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. On these points, I’m not entirely sure where I stand. The absolute truth is probably somewhere in between his recounting of events and the media’s, but I didn’t walk away feeling like his reasons why these things have happened were a long, implausible series of excuses. I find that most people who’ve had legal and professional hassles in their lives sound like Canseco does, but his troubles and his explanations for them never come off as utter bullshit in the grand scheme of things.

Again, if any of this makes me sound like a Canseco apologist, so be it. I’ve done my best to be objective and informed. I will admit that I’ve always liked watching Canseco play, but I’ve also been a huge Mark McGwire fan throughout and beyond his career, and while I’m proud of Canseco for having the guts to speak his mind and tell his story, all I am is sad for McGwire at this point. During the course of one afternoon of testimony, McGwire managed to destroy his reputation and his entire legacy worse than Jose Canseco could ever dream of doing. I believe that Canseco is, to the best of his knowledge, telling the truth, and “Juiced” reflects this in many ways. Even if you hate the guy, you owe it to yourself to give the book a read and make up your own mind about things.

Thought for the night, probably not an original one, but…

Posted in My Big, Black Cock. on March 26th, 2005 by Scott Crawford

Sane people are just crazy people who haven’t gotten caught yet.

Big Show This Sunday: MC Chris/Get Precious/Brine & Bastards/etc.!

Posted in Upcoming Events. on March 18th, 2005 by Scott Crawford

Are YOU down with the Pee Pants?

That’s right, bitches. Get Precious will be playing with MC Chris this Sunday, March 20th, as part of Dead City Disco at Dingbatz (located at 620 Van Houten Ave.) in beautiful, moderately pornographic Clifton, NJ! (If you need to call Dingbatz for directions and such, the number is 973-471-1145.) Doors are at 6 PM (but get there early; there may be a line, being that no advance tickets have been or will be sold), and tickets are just $10 to see us play with this god among men. To paraphrase Smoove B, “There will also be Brine & Bastards“, as well as This Means War (whoever the hell they are) and “other special guests”. This will be the best night of anyone’s life, at least until the Saturday program of the Dove House Ribfest. Don’t miss it!

Oh, shit. Another one.

Posted in My Big, Black Cock. on March 16th, 2005 by Scott Crawford

I was wondering when this was going to happen. Sorta puts the kibbosh on those SixApart-to-Yahoo rumors. Sorta. I predict that Yahoo 360 will be as popular as Orkut (which is to say, not very popular at all unless you’re from Brazil or Iran). Look at what a world-beater MSN Spaces is, for crying out loud (no link, because I can’t be bothered to remember one or look it up; search, if you really need to).

The next company to make an impact on the social networking front will be another out-of-nowhere one who actually bring something new (or an older idea that the public is finally ready for; remember, sixdegrees.com existed years before Friendster did) to the table. The big players, even Google, are bound by their company’s worldview, and thus, have trouble operating outside of it.

Great Idea Of The Day

Posted in My Big, Black Cock. on March 16th, 2005 by Scott Crawford

The Nerf suicide bomber vest.

I can even tell you how you’d make it. You’d load up a bunch of Nerf darts, etc. into the vest, and there’d be a crank handle on it that compressed them. You’d have a button somewhere on it that “activated” it, and when it’s activated, fucking Nerf darts everywhere. (The device would of course come with safety goggles, stylized to look like dark sunglasses.)

I don’t know if this is an original idea (if you’ve got links to it elsewhere, please, send them along!), and it’s certainly not a tasteful one, but it made me chuckle.

Holy. Fucking. Shit.

Posted in My Big, Black Cock. on March 15th, 2005 by Scott Crawford

http://www.dovehouseribfest.com/

Look at the Saturday lineup.

That may be the best day in the fucking history of civilization right there.

I am totally thinking “road trip”.

Time to open the store again! “Scott Crawford Owns My Soul” Pins Available!

Posted in My Big, Black Cock Store! on March 15th, 2005 by Scott Crawford

They’re here! I bought out that girl who was selling bootleg Scott Crawford merch, and now you can get these beauties straight from the man who owns your soul himself! Feast your eyes on it!

They’re $1.50 shipped, or $1 if you get one from me in person! Get ‘em while dey’s hot!



Great Achievement Of The Day

Posted in My Big, Black Cock. on March 15th, 2005 by Scott Crawford

I found a brand-new, unopened tree air freshener for the car in with a box of my belongings that I’m sorting through. PRAISE BE TO SATAN!

One thing kept me sane today…

Posted in My Big, Black Cock. on March 13th, 2005 by Scott Crawford

…during the re-construction and the beginning of the redesign of this site:

Wonder Woman

I’ve been watching the DVD box set of Season One. (Thanks go to Amber, for the loan!) My word, Lynda Carter was hot. As I’ve said so many times, she invented the hard-on. I know that doesn’t sound especially flattering, but it’s damn true. So many people at or around my age of either genders had their first crush on Lynda Carter as Wonder Woman, and to be a bit more to the point, their sexual awakening upon seeing her. I know a lot of girls who had what they consider to be their first hint of homosexuality or bisexuality while watching the show. The woman was just so unbelievably beautiful, it’s beyond words. I’m curious as to what she’s going to look like in the documentary on Disc 5, as she still looked great the last time I’d seen her in anything, probably a decade ago. Regardless, she was just stunning on the show, and it’s also pretty cool to revisit this part of my childhood at greater length than I have in a long time. It’s actually a good, fun show that’s aged remarkably well, despite Lyle Waggoner’s Steve Trevor making Kim Bauer look like her dad. Wow, did that guy get his ass in a sling often! But yes, Wonder Woman saved my sanity today. In her satin tights…fighting for my rights…

So no one misses it during the transition…

Posted in My Big, Black Cock. on March 12th, 2005 by Scott Crawford

Do not attempt to adjust your TV set.

Posted in My Big, Black Cock. on March 12th, 2005 by Scott Crawford

For the next, well, however long it takes to get it done, My Big, Black Cock will be in transition. We’re moving to a new host, and frankly, I’m tired of waiting for things to happen before we settle in. So, I’m making this a rough transition. Over the next day, the nameservers will redirect things from the old site to the new one. Once that’s done, this site will enter the Bizarro World, and be in the shitty, boring default WordPress layout until the new layout is done. Most, if not all of the features and entries you have come to know and be mildly apathetic toward will be moved to the new site ASAP. Some will be there immediately. Some will take a little longer. We thank you for your patience in bearing with us during our awkward, ugly, overweight, zit-filled adolescence. If you see this now, and have trouble viewing the site later, please go to our backup location and hang out there for a while. Rest assured, this is all temporary.

werd.
-S

Who’s with me on this one?

Posted in My Big, Black Cock. on March 12th, 2005 by Scott Crawford

I miss the days when you could open a new text file, curse into it for about a half hour, upload it, and bang, you had a web site.

This one’s going out as a dedication to Krista…

Posted in My Big, Black Cock. on March 12th, 2005 by Scott Crawford


(Note: if you’re seeing this on LJ, you can’t get the full effect. Go here.)

(All media totally stolen from this rather endearing little entry on badmovies.org, who probably totally stole it from somewhere else, so it’s more than likely OK, especially with me hosting it on my servers instead of hotlinking to theirs. I hope, anyway. It’s originally © 1981 Paramount Pictures, too. I figure Viacom’s lawyers will mess with me before badmovies.org’s lawyers will, so I had to mention that as well.)

Clan Of Xymox’s “Medusa”

Posted in My Big, Black Cock. on March 11th, 2005 by Scott Crawford

Jesus, this album is still so goddamned good.

That’s all I’ve got for now.

Man.

© 2000-2008 Scott Crawford

On January 24th, 2001...