No matter how hard you try, you’ll never be Bettie Page or Mike Ness unless you already are them, so please, stop trying.

Thanks,
The Management

I’ve seen so many shitty hands today, you’d think I was at a fisting convention.

I’m cancelling sex for everyone else until I get some.

Weird.

Tonight was probably the last time in my life that I’ll get to experience that “new Yoda smell” in a movie theater for the first time.

They did what they could with Episode III. I am not displeased. I found myself wanting to applaud at only one wildly inappropriate moment, which I will go into after more of you see the movie.

I will give you some other spoilers, though: the boat sinks at the end, with teh Jeebus nailed to the bow, while simultaneously, half a world away, Thelma and Louise drive into the Grand Canyon etc. etc. etc.

Also: wasn’t expecting this at all, but the Fantastic Four trailer was terrific. Let’s hope the actual movie doesn’t blow dogs through a Krazy Straw. (Wow, that site sucks. Hello, IE-only!)

I was walking past a bar on South St. in Philadelphia last night, and through the window, I could see and hear that someone was doing karaoke. Almost immediately, I realized what it was that was being performed, and then the guy got to the chorus…”I want to fuck you like an animal…”

Out-of-touch “ex”-lobbyist writes out-of-touch editorial on new web site full of opinions of out-of-touch supposed illuminati.

I give it a week before we’re all waxing nostalgic for those innocent days when the majority of the clueless quasi-celebrity talking heads were confined to the VH-1 ghetto.

Yeah.

That’s right.

“Five Six years!”

Punk Rock/Heavy Metal Karaoke celebrates its 6th anniversary tonight, Monday, May 9th, at 10 PM at New York’s Continental (25 3rd Ave., between St. Mark’s Place and 9th Street). Admission is free, but tonight’s event is a benefit for longtime host Owen Comaskey, who’s fallen onto some hard times of late, medical bills and such, so the bucket will be passed, and all proceeds will go towards the very worthy cause of helping out Owen, his family, and his huge set of testicles. If you’ve ever been to PRHMK, or if you’ve never been, tonight’s a perfect night to show up and rock the fuck out. If the planets are aligned properly, you may even get to see yours truly perform a song. BE THERE.

There are a whole lot of female pop/rock vocalists enjoying success in the United States who should be wearing crucifixes around their necks, only with Sinead O’Connor’s likeness on them rather than Jesus Christ’s. I’m just sayin’.

My ringtone.