I just had a really heavy moment in the bathroom. I went in there to have a piss, and there was a fly who had landed in the bowl and was drowning, but still alive. Now, I wasn’t going to fish a fly out of toilet water; I’m altruistic, but not that altruistic. So, I had to make a decision. Do I piss on this poor fly’s head, or do I at least flush once and give him a running start, hoping that the flush does him in? I wasn’t going to not piss until I was sure he was dead, and there could be suffering involved in that wait (especially considering that drowning’s a miserable way to go, from what I’ve been told). I did opt to give the fly a running start, but it all seemed pretty miserable for the fly.

Of course, it also got “The Mercy Seat” by Nick Cave And The Bad Seeds stuck in my head, and I started writing alternate lyrics to the last chorus.

And the mercy flush is a-comin’
and I think this fly is a-drownin’
but either way I’ve gotta piss and it will land upon his head
I hope that the flush will kill him dead
I bet the poor fuck’s name was Fred
and I’m afraid I have to pee…

My new song “Puppet”, (from the upcoming album “Babykiller.”) is now available on MySpace.

If someone working at The Container Store catches you popping their bubble wrap, what do they do? Is it treated as a “Hey you kids!” thing? Do they go the full monty and call it shoplifting? Vandalism? I really want to know.

Not that I’ve, like, done it or anything. Honest.

As some of you know, I write emails to Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen, who has a public email address, from time to time. Sometimes, I get lengthy, but today’s was just a simple thank you note.

“Ozzie,

Been a while since I wrote last. Hope all is well. Just dropping you a quick thank you note for not using Francisco Liriano in the All-Star Game. Being able to start him on Thursday will help 2 of my fantasy teams a lot.

Take Care,
-S”

Auschwitz to get name change

Maybe “The Land Of Bunnies And Duckies”. Because, well, name changes make everything better, right?

Actually, fuck it. Let’s have a “Pick A New Name For Auschwitz” contest on the site! Best name gets a copy of the new Fields Of The Nephilim CD, “Mourning Sun”, courtesy of SPV USA. (That’ll get the ball rolling on that interview!) Contest is open for a week, ending at Noon Eastern Time July 19th, 2006.

Dude. Man. Fuck.

Don’t use the Batman towel.

“Running The World” by Jarvis Cocker

The vocoder toward the end hits it out of the park.

Discuss.

See how fast you can type!

My most recent attempt, after a few warmups, was 86.08 WPM with 0 mistakes. My first, admittedly, was only 67.5 with 6 mistakes, but I did 3 more after that, and each was above 80, with 2 above 85, all with fewer mistakes.

You all need to own a Fiskars Pruning Stik. Unless, of course, you live in a place where there is zero vegetation. That is all.