1001 Reasons Why The Container Store Can Lick Rim

Posted in Man, fuck those guys., My Big, Black Cock. on September 30th, 2006 by Scott Crawford

No, I’m not going to actually itemize them, but if you walk around any of The Container Store’s retail locations, you can probably count close to that many items that they’re either out of stock on, or have very limited store stock on. We’re not talking exotic items here, either. This is essential, can’t-put-a-goddamn-thing-they-sell-together-without-it stuff they’re lean on. I know why they do it. They want you to just order online and eat the shipping, but if that’s the case, why waste a ton of money having retail locations, especially in some of the high-rent areas they have them in? It’s vanity, plain and simple. If you fall a few reasons short of 1001, you can add in their staff, who are about as helpful as a vat of salt in a burn ward, their shopping carts, which are clearly designed to prevent anyone from buying and carrying anything out of their stores, and their absolutely fucking abyssmal Muzak. MISERABLE shopping experiences to be had in these places, which surprises me, considering the rep they’ve gotten from loyalists. I’m guessing they were a good company once, then got high on their own hype and decided to coast. Man, fuck those guys.

You know what, man?

Posted in Man, fuck those guys., My Big, Black Cock. on September 21st, 2006 by Scott Crawford

Fuck James Taylor.

Allow me to be the first I’ve seen this year to say…

Posted in Man, fuck those guys., My Big, Black Cock. on September 19th, 2006 by Scott Crawford

Motherfuck “Talk Like A Pirate Day”.

Srsly.

And maybe I’m an old square, but fuck Talk Like Salt n’ Pepa Day too. What does one do on that holiday, walk around and say “I’m a has-been”? Fuck, man, I do that every day.

On life and eating olives…

Posted in My Big, Black Cock. on September 18th, 2006 by Scott Crawford

I’m eating a sandwich that has sliced black olives right now.

This probably doesn’t seem like that big of a deal to those of you who don’t know me pretty well, but to me, choosing to order them on my sandwich was really a giant step. You see, the sight and concept of olives, for the longest time, totally grossed me out. Green olives, which were the first ones I and most people were exposed to, have always looked gross to me. I think I tried tasting one once when I was very young, and didn’t like it at all. For me, I’d have been happy if green olives were only used as sight gags in Tom and Jerry cartoons, and didn’t physically exist in our reality.

Later on in life, my mother developed the disturbing culinary habit of eating whole black olives out of a can, almost always without utensils of any kind (mind you, I’m not a total angel on this last part; when I was a young kid, I would eat cold Vienna sausages out of the can with my hands, sometimes not even waiting until we were out of the supermarket to do so). They didn’t smell right, they didn’t look right, and the entire process made me really queasy.

Between my two frames of reference on the olive world, I was not batting a thousand by any means. It seemed likely that I’d never willingly eat olives and enjoy them. Once in a while, I’d be in a situation, like with a frozen “supreme” pizza or a salad, where they’d be part of the deal, and I’d either take them off or, if I absolutely had to, I’d eat a bite quick just to get it out of the way, but I didn’t enjoy it one bit.

Then, a couple of years ago, John was at my house, and brought over homemade salsa that he’d put together that had sliced black olives in it. Not wanting to be a rude host, I partook, and the results weren’t so bad. I was enjoying something that had olives in it, and it went OK for me. No allergic reactions, no food poisoning, and no instantaneous death. However, I didn’t rush back to market. Until today.

When I was ordering my sandwich, I saw them in with the condiments, and on a whim, I decided to live dangerously (Yeah, this from someone who used to drive without a license while drunk, stoned and tripping in New York City; where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio?) and actually asked for black olives. The girl at the counter had no idea that she was changing my life, and just put them on the sandwich. I brought it home, took it out, and took a bite, and you know what? The olives were a nice touch! They’re pretty good.

To wrap this up, sometimes, life puts something in front of you that’s outside your comfort zone, and you have to decide what to do about it when it happens. While there are definitely situations where, upon quick examination, it’s a bad idea to take a leap of faith, other times, it’s worth doing and usually works out reasonably OK. Then, there are also times when that something I’m talking about may not be put in front of you like an obstacle, but is still an option that you are under no obligation to choose. One of those “out of the corner of your eye” deals. Just to shake things up a little here and there, it’s worthwhile to consider doing what you once would never have even thought of doing, or even to consider doing what may not have worked out so well in past attempts, so long as it doesn’t pose a clear, present and unreasonable amount of danger to yourself or others to do it.

I’m going to go finish my sandwich now, and then see what else I can do differently today.

Scott Crawford CBGB 313 Gallery NYC 9 PM Tonight!

Posted in My Big, Black Cock., Upcoming Events. on September 17th, 2006 by Scott Crawford

I just woke up, after a rare, vaguely reasonable night’s sleep, and you know what? I’m pretty excited about this one. It’ll be me, Bad Camera, Glass Doll, The Rabies, and The Strange Walls. Charles from Dark Eden will be hosting, and my friend DJ Charlie the Slut will be spinning post-punk and deathrock while also spinning a yarn or two about wangs if you’re fortunate.

Doors are at 8-ish, i think (I’m expected there at 7:30, for whatever that’s worth), I’m on at 9, cover is a meager $6 (please follow typical club show rules and tell them you’re there to see Scott Crawford if, in fact, you are) and I believe this is a rare (for now; man, I’m tired of the 21+ thing…venues, take notice!) 16+ show!

Details here, for those who like this shit all in one place…

Also of note, for those of you who want to make a whole day of it, our friends in Modrocket are going to be playing a Death Disco all-ages matinee (Wow, 2 under-21 shows in a day? Rad!) at Cake Shop (which is about 5 blocks away from CB’s Gallery) along with The Bones Royal and Dirtblonde. BP Fallon and Mathilde Hildebrandt will be DJing, doors are at 3, and bands start at 4 (with Modrocket on at 5). Cover for that is $5, and like I said, it’s all-ages. I’ll be there too, to catch the bands and pre-game a little. Seeya there, and then later at CB’s Gallery for my show!

My New Pick-up Line

Posted in My Big, Black Cock. on September 13th, 2006 by Scott Crawford

“I’m tired. Wanna watch some dirty movies?”

Ladies, just TRY to tell me that this isn’t the greatest offer you’ve ever received. Just. Fucking. Try.

It’s that time of year again!

Posted in My Big, Black Cock. on September 10th, 2006 by Scott Crawford

In 2 short hours and change, it will be September 11th!

Read the story of Motherfucker Day here, and spread the word!

I am playing at the Loop Lounge in Passaic, NJ on Friday, September 8th, 2006.

Posted in My Big, Black Cock., Upcoming Events. on September 7th, 2006 by Scott Crawford

“Playing?”, you say, as if you haven’t seen me hype my fucking music to death already.

Yes. I play music.

Come see me do it at The Loop Lounge in Passaic, NJ with my special guests Strange Things Done In The Midnight Sun (featuring erstwhile Cocksmith justj0hn), who will be having their debut performance. Doors are at 10, I’m on around 11, and Strange Things… will be on, appropriately at Midnight. Admission is $7.00, and the Loop Lounge is always 21+.

© 2000-2008 Scott Crawford

On January 24th, 2001...