I’m bringing back an old favorite.

Check out this cool wolf shirt.

www.antimatteruniverse.com

Through some cosmic accident, we hosted a Jimmy Kimmel/Jay-Z afterparty in Second Life tonight. Go figure. Read about that and more there.

…can seriously go fuck itself in the ass sideways with a big rubber dick.

One of the worst hit songs in a long, long time. And what the hell is the deal with Fergie (or “Dutchess Pees-Her-Pants” as her friends call her)? “My lovely lady lumps”?!?! Is she slow or something? Fucking Christ.

If y’all have Second Life accounts, you have *got* to visit the Gay Yiffy Club (Silverstone 227, 85, 696).

I know, I know, but it is the absolute perfect combination of well done and fucked up. Best club in-world that I’ve found. Srsly.

Update 1: 8:40 AM: Pre-game starts here now, and NBC starts broadcasting at 9. If you want to watch it live on the web, that’s an option now if you have $5, but I’ll do take care of you the same way I have for the past 3 years. Shaping up to be a GREAT race, with a a fantastic mens’ field, including 2005 winner and world record holder Paul Tergat, perennial frontrunner and 2002 winner Rodgers Rop, 2004 champion Hendrick Ramaala, and American frontrunners Meb Keflezighi and Alan Culpepper, all of whom could take this thing. On the womens’ side, Latvian Jelena Prokopcuka is back to defend her 2005 title, facing off against mainstays Susan Chepkemei, Lornah Kiplagat and American Deena Kastor. And, of course, 2005 wheelchair champion and professional badass Ernst Van Dyk will be facing off against fellow professional badass and 2001/2004 winner Saul Mendoza and 2002 winner Krige Schabort in the wheelchair race.

Then, on the amateur side, there’s this guy and a cast of about 37,000 others.

It’s a chilly 38 degrees in New York, with a light wind to the east.

NBC’s gonna be on the air in 20-ish minutes, with a little coverage on Sunday Today right now, so while I’m off getting breakfast, I recommend that you do the same. Get some snacks, grab a beer if you do that, have a good time. This is a blast, kids, and it’s great to be here again watching it with you. More soon, but in the meantime, check out the official ING NYC Marathon site and the Wikipedia page for the race. =)

9 AM: Yeah, motherfucker! It’s on! They’re showing Ramaala/Tergat neck and neck at the end of the ’05 race. Wow, that was something. Welcome!

9:15: Good news: Hey, Tom Cavanaugh from the TV show “Ed” is running! Is that still on the air? Wasn’t bad! Bad news: Grete Waitz looks exhausted. I hope she’s on the winning side of her fight against the big C. Wheelchair folks are underway, nice bio pieces on the racers now. This is what the Boston coverage was missing! Oh, bummer, crash at the starting line. Hope everyone recovers OK. Aussie Kurt Fearnley is in the lead early in the race.

9:30: Airing profiles of the Five Borough Challenge runners now, one participant for each borough of New York (duh). Should root for David Edwards from Queens, since it’s the home borough now? I don’t know, the girls are kinda cute. =) They’re gonna run. Um. it’s time for the first one.

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9:40: Womens’ field about to start. Boston winner Rita Jeptoo and Elena Prokopcuka look the most confident, unsurprisingly. Here comes the gun…

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9:42: The racers are describing weather as perfect, so we’ll go with that, because it does look gorgeous out there.

9:45: Fearnley wiped out on a pothole, and didn’t stop! He righted himself and kept going in his chair! Add him to the “professional badass” list, man! Awesome work.

9:53: Elite women in Brooklyn, Prokopcuka the rabbit there with Kastor leading the 2nd pack. Elite men about to start. Culpepper had anemia over the summer, hope he does alright. Fearnley hauling ass across the 59th Street bridge, on record pace. He is the fucking mack, people. The. Fucking. Mack.

10:01: Why are the elite men starting late? This is the big “we’re doing a network sporting event” montage, so they’re coming up. I hate these things. =) Womens’ pack are a minute behind course record pack, interestingly. OK, I had that time wrong, I thought the masses were 10:10, not the elite men AND the masses. Right with you on that.

10:10: Tergat looks slimmer but still so goddamn good. The rest of the pack look nervous, especially Meb.

Here we go, folks. Assholes almost done singing the anthem…time to…

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10:13: God, this is beautiful. Look at all the discarded, sweaty garments on the bridge!

10:23: Ooh. Robert Cheruiyot took a NASTY fall crossing the finish line in Chicago. Damn shame. Best to him in his recovery, and here’s hoping that the Boston and Chicago winner comes back to New York next year.

10:33: Paula Radcliffe has shown herself! He’s talking to the broadcast team. She’s preggers! So that’s why she’s not racing.

Fearnley is about to pass the finish line. WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
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1:29:21!!!!!! First sub-1:30 time in New York! Congrats to the new king of the badasses!!!!!!!!

10:42: Elite women are definitely speeding up. Talpos still the rabbit, Prokopcuka in 3rd. Get you 2nd as soon as I have it. Hladyr of the Ukraine was the name I was waiting on, but Prokopcuka is in 2nd now at mile 13. 2:28 pace for the ladies.

10:47: Damn, Alberto Salazar’s doing the first 10 miles with Lance Armstrong! What a guy! GREAT to see him out there.

10:50: From the official marathon site about the men, since NBC’s still lax on watching them: “There are about 25 men in the lead pack, and we can see all the major players, including Meb, Paul Tergat, Stefano Baldini, and Ramaala. Dathan Ritzenhein and Alan Culpepper are just off Meb’s shoulder, close to the front of the pack. 29:57 at six miles for the men; they’ve just passed 10K but we don’t have a split yet.”

10:55: Talpos still rabbiting, Hladyr in 2nd, Prokopcuka back in 3rd as the elite women cross the Pulaski Bridge.

11:00: Get back to the mens’ pack, NBC! Oh, there they are in Williamsburg. Heepstarz! 10 miles, though. Kibet of Kenya in 1s, Karjuki, also of Kenya in 2nd, Meb’s in 3rd. DEEP Elite pack, surprising. Tergat hanging back, making them all SHIT THEMSELVES, though.

11:01: Womens’ wheelchair winner coming in. WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Friggin’ NBC, wake up a little and get that lady’s name on the screen! Amanda McGrory of the US, 1:54:17, there we go.

11:08: Prokopcuka’s leading, Hladyr is 2nd, and Deena Kastor is now in 3rd as they’re coming across the bridge from Queens to Manhattan. Still a very large mens’ pack in Brooklyn. Lance Armstrong, surprisingly, tiring a bit. He’s been smokin’ too much dope or something.

11:09: Ramaala beginning to make his move. Supposedly gave the NBC crew a knowing “thumbs up”, like “Don’t worry, kids, imma fuck these guys up as soon as we get out of Queens.” Announcers talking about Meb looking great, despite food poisoning on Thursday night! Damn. Hopefully Meb knuckles down and makes the jump from contender to champ, but I still like Tergat. Tergat’s SCARY, if you’ve ever seen him run.

11:12: Women just got a big hand coming up 1st Ave., but a little quieter than I’m used to. The cold could be taking some people who aren’t running out of the race. Mile 17. Prokopcuka and Hladyr have 52 seconds between them and the pack. Awwww, NBC just went to commercial with Joe Walsh’s “In The City” (which some of you will remember from the end of the movie “The Warriors”). Fuck, I love Joe Walsh.

11:16: Men on the Pulaski Bridge now. Same 3 in the lead. Slow pace so far for them, but it’s deliberate. 70 second difference between the rabbits in the womens’ race and the pack.

11:23: Men are starting to get antsy as they approach the bridge. Lots of jockeying for position in 3rd. Meb up to 2nd. Kibet leading. Tergat in 9th…waiting…Rop making a move now!

11:25: Audio guy loves the Doobie Brothers. That’s OK, so do I. Men on the bridge. Manhattan awaits. This is going to be insane. Maybe more than last year.

11:31: THEY’RE IN MANHATTAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111

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Galmin of Morocco made a huge move on the bridge, and he’s out in front! Wow!

11:32: Enjoy it while it lasts, Galmin, because everyone’s surging. Ramaala’s making his first big move of the race. Tergat’s starting to speed up.

11:34: Deena Kastor’s out of the 2nd pack now. Bad break, and it’ll be tough to come back from.

11:35: Chepkemei and Kipligat are also falling off. Weird.

11:42: Mens’ pack thinned out some, and the women are in a holding pattern in Harlem. Wait…Prokopcuka making a run now. Looking GREAT at mile whatever the fuck it is. Oh, 23.

11:46: Ramaala dropped off. Pack of about 11 coming up 1st Ave. Tergat looks so deliberate still. After seeing him last year, I’ve gotta look at him as the favorite in any race he runs for the forseeable future. Ndereba making a move in the womens’ race, a slightly stronger 3rd now. Prokopcuka’s busted it opened, though, so it’s gonna be tough.

11:49: Men on the Willis Ave. bridge now. Brazil’s dos Santos has pulled ahead on an uphill coming in, and looks like he’s struggling a bit, but put some good distance between himself and the elite men. About an 8 man pack there, 4 of which have won a major even. Harlem’s gonna be a good time.

But where, oh where, is Lance Armstrong?

11:52: dos Santos just about has the elite mens’ pack off-camera. Tergat looks like he’s laboring just a bit for the first time in the race.

Prokopcuka’s just KILLING in the womens’ race. I think she’s got this going through the park. Less than 2 miles to go for her.

11:57: dos Santos, Yego, Kinyajui (both from Kenya). 38 second lead for dos Santos, who is LABORING.

Hey, Lance is on the 59th St. bridge! Wow, he could finish under 3 hours! Good for him. Tough son of a bitch. Controversy or no, he’s a great athlete.

12:01: Prokopcuka’s turning into Columbus Circle. She OWNS this race this year, WAY stronger than ’05, and she will win. I don’t have to say here, but i will anyway.

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12:03: 2:25:05! BEAUTIFUL! Yelena Prokopcuka wins the womens’ race at the New York Marathon! Congrats AGAIN to her. Second place coming in, Tatiana Hladyr from the Ukraine has a nice finish and gets a hug from the winner. Hugs all around from the winner! Ndereba takes 3rd, Jeptoo in 4th.

Lance is still hauiin’ ass! Seriously, I busted chops earlier like I always do with the celebs (see Puffy), but this is a good run. He’s got shin splints, and he’s hangin’ tough regardless.

12:10: dos Santos is still doin’ some running out there. I didn’t see anyone Kenyan on-camera, which is just about inconcievable at a major event, and has been for 2 decades or more.

12:13: 23 second lead for dos Santos. Kiogora in 2nd, and wouldn’t you know it? There’s Tergat in 3rd. They’re in the park, but there’s still time.

12:14: 15 seconds now. This could get very interesting.

12:15: dos Santos is hurting, so if they surge, he’s done. 13 seconds. On Central Park South. Holy crap. dos Santos looked back like “Oh shit.” Tergat’s comin’. This is so predatory. If you’re watching this live as I am, you’re watching the most scared son of a bitch ever run the streets of New York. Way more than when Puffy lost his bodyguard before he crossed Willis Ave. Some elite women in the way of the Kenyans. dos Santos looks so tired and so scared, man…but he’s hanging in there. Stay tuned, folks…

12:19: Tergat fading a little, Kiogora picking up…they’re closing, though. dos Santos might do it!

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dos Santos! Kiogora! Tergat! 2:09:58 for dos Santos! DOS SANTOS WINS!!!!!!!!!!!!! CONGRATS TO DOS SANTOS!!!!!!!!!!! First ever Brazilian (How many are in a Brazilian, anyway?) to win New York! No Kenyans win New York, almost unthinkable! dos Santos has become a legend by conquering more than just the course, but also fear. Great finish as always, but this was a different kind of finish. This was a guy who “shouldn’t” have done it and who was scared to death saying “fuck you, you’re not gonna get me” and gutting it out. Great showing, inspiring.

12:25: And now, the other guys, for the next 90 minutes!

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Olympic gymnast Shannon Miller is out there with the poor bastard who had to jog and do the news. She looks GREAT, happy, fresh as a daisy on 1st Ave. Lance is at 2:17 and change…still lookin’ alright. Not great, but alright. He’s at about mile 20. Everyone else is having a blast. =)

12:35: Man, 1st Ave. is full now. Lance at 2:25 and change now (keep in mind, they’re not totally hard and fast times on my posts). dos Santos being interviewed now, en Espanol. Lance out of the Bronx, breathing a little heavier, but 4 miles to go and looking like he’ll do sub-3:00, but definitely 3:10 or so, and he wanted to do it within an hour of the mens’ winner. Prokopcuka being interviewed now, but she looks pretty happy despite the reporter being a pain in the ass. =)

12:45: Awards ceremonies happening now. The usual here. I want a wreath like that!

1:05: Damn it. Got pulled away for a bit. Story from a girl on the street, friend of hers is running her 3rd marathon, post-stroke. Wowza.

1:07: Lance about to cross 3 hours. He’s got a good shot at his goal, though, which was “within an hour of the mens’ winner”. That sick son of a bitch is sprinting now. Jesus. .2 to go.

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1:11: 2:59:37 for Lance fuckin’ Armstrong. Jesus.

1:42: Tom Cavanaugh 3:29 and change. Man, he looks like hell right now. =) Sorry, life keeps pullin’ me away, folks. Tough week.

1:49: Mayor’s Cup (cops vs. firemen, like the ProCon song) still hasn’t been figured out! Weirdos.

1:55: With NBC is wrapping it up, I guess it’s time for me to do the same. More than usual this year, this race seemed to be about triumph over adversity. The biggest stories were about people who beat the obstacles in their path. From a man who “retired” from a physically punishing sport, only to take on an entirely new one, to a woman who had to best a previous triumph against some of the toughest in the world, to a guy who seemed to outrun fear itself along with the fastest runner, hell, runners in the world, to another man who overcame not only huge obstacles but what looked like a harsh injury earlier in the race to become the fastest man in New York for a day, and of course all the people who started running as their way of coming back from illness, addiction, and all sorts of other troubles, there was a lot to be proud of today. Congratulations and bless all of you who ran and run, and all of you who manage to triumph over adversity and have fun even without running.

So…

For those of you who have been wondering why I’ve been so quiet, both on my site(s) and in general this week, with apologies to Smoove B, “allow me to break it down for you”:

I activated a Second Life account on Sunday morning.

Go ahead, read about SL a bit, perhaps also reading the information at Wikipedia as well.

Done laughing yet? Cool.

Now, my thoughts on what I’ve experienced in the past 4 days. They can be summed up with another quote, this time from the immortal Lewis Skolnick:

“This is gonna be a great year.”

Yes, a massively multiplayer online environment (I strongly hesitate to call it a “game”) has its hooks into me but good, and I’m not ashamed to admit it. As I told qDot (who was talking about SL ages ago, relatively speaking, because he’s completely ahead of the curve on these things), this is probably been the most fun I’ve had on the Internet since I first logged onto IRC over 10 years ago. I’m not exaggerating here, people. You’re going to need a powerful computer to run it, and you may get frustrated with the learning curve initially (I picked things up right away, but I do that with a lot of software that people just plain don’t get), but the experience is worth the hassle. Mindblowing stuff.

Here’s a quick timeline of my first day in the SL world:

10/29/06. 3-ish AM: joined Second Life

10/29/06, 5-ish AM: I was already in the middle of my multi-partner sex scene, somehow managing to do this without a penis. Y’see, folks, you don’t come with genitals when you start the game. You have to buy them.

10/29/06, 6 AM: I watched my first in-world sunrise in an inner tube at a nude beach in Laguna with a girl from Brazil who was very sweet and had no problem with my lack of a penis. Some Kelly Clarkson ballad was playing in the background (every area of SL can accommodate streaming audio; DJs put on records in-world, and bands are starting to actually play shows, performing live as their SL avatars are animated). I felt like I was at a Junior High dance, only I had a penis at those.

10/29/06, 7 AM: Went back to the fetish club I’d been at earlier for the sex scene, and had what turned out to be a rather insubordinate submissive offer herself to me as a slave, at which point I finally got challenged for not having a penis. My response was an obvious one: “You only get to see my penis if you’re good.”

10/29/06, 7:15 AM: Bought first penis.

10/29/06, 8 AM: Saw first penis that was substantially bigger than mine. Got all of Laguna nude beach talking about it. When partner (technically the 4th I’d been intimate with already) and I went to have sex, the owner of the larger penis jumped in and started banging her before I could, in retaliation for my discussing his penis. Guy must not like publicity much if he responds to it with rape. He stopped eventually, and after a few minutes spent talking with my partner about how messed up it was that this happened, we decided to have sex anyway. (Yeah, I know.) First test of new penis, despite distractions, deemed a modest success.

Past those first few formative hours, it’s just gotten more and more interesting, culminating with the experience of dressing up in a Kool-Aid Man costume and having sex with Tinkerbell on a urine-soaked mattress in a jail cell.

Yes, you read that correctly. If you don’t believe your eyes, I’ll say it again.

I dressed up in a Kool-Aid Man costume and had sex with a girl who was dressed as Tinkerbell, on a urine soaked mattress in a jail cell.

The best part about that? She ended up IN THE PITCHER. OH YEAH.

I’ll give you all a moment to collect yourselves before I continue.

…

Better?

OK, neither am I, but we do have an article to finish. Don’t worry, that was the monster at the end of this book. The rest will seem tame by comparison. Maybe.

So in addition to Kool-Aid Man and Tink, here are some of the other highlights:

• A girl lured me somewhere for sex so she could attempt to blackmail me into giving her Lindens (the in-game currency, which can be exchanged for real money) to pay for the baby. Damn role-players. I explained to her calmly that while it was great that she wanted to keep the baby (or not; either option worked for me), the baby had no need for money (after all, I’ve been in-world for days and I haven’t eaten yet, you can get free clothing anywhere, and you don’t need shelter) and thus, neither did she. I probably made her cry, because people can take this stuff so seriously, but c’mon, a paternity suit in an online world? Jeez! Also: back here in the real world, I ain’t no deadbeat daddy so shut up, peanut gallery!
• Someone sold Rachel Haywire and I fake acid. In the SL world, people, in the SL world!
• Even when I wasn’t fuckin’, dancing in the Kool-Aid Man suit on Halloween was awesome, especially to “The Crablouse” by Lords Of Acid.
• Of course, it was also cumbersome (as big objects take a lot of rendering, and slow down the game), so I went back to my street clothes and tangoed from 4-8 AM at Club Arsheba, one of SL’s most popular clubs. Others I’ve been frequenting since I got there are Studio 54 and Club Industry, good people and usually decent music at both.

  I went to a wet t-shirt contest that had both female and male participants. My favorite of these was a guy with a mohawk and a spear who had a medium-sized cow attached to his crotch. He was doing laps around the dance floor at running speed, and had a message floating above his head saying “Ask Me About My Weiner”. Yes, readers, he was God. (Oh, and the wet t-shirt contest was alright, too.)

• I decided early on, when trying to figure out how to earn money in-world, that I would be a therapist, so I am. I’m apparently the first one (though if others want to claim that they were in the business before I was, I’ve no problem with that), and I am available in-world to discuss Second Life or real-life issues. I am not licensed, of course, so my advice is for entertainment purposes only. :D
• I own several vehicles, including a hoverbike shaped like a neon pink penis and, or course, a pogo stick. I love the pogo stick SO. FUCKING. MUCH.
• I also bought another penis which actually ejaculates, has retractable piercings, and can be made invisible, so you can spring it on people on a moment’s notice. My favorite use of this penis was when I was exploring one of the more unsavory areas of SL and I ran into a girl who wasn’t participating in any of the unsavory behavior, but didn’t appear to be idle either. Just standing around, watching the madness. So, not wanting her to feel left out, I walked up to her and came on her. This got her attention, and she started cursing at me. So, to make peace, I offered her a hug. Amazingly, she did accept. Then I came on her again.

• And finally, amid all the depravity which is what people are totally fixating on when they talk about SL, a bit of a reality check. I’ve had a lot of experiences that weren’t dirty, and were genuinely human and sweet. You see, you talk to people in chat during the time you’re in-world, and sometimes, you just walk around and explore with them. SL is this huge, constantly being added to world, and you can literally spend forever just walking around the place, seeing things, and trying things. Sometimes, you start talking to someone on there and you both decide to explore the place together. Most of the people I’ve run into on SL are very new to it, and they’re as blown away by what you’re both seeing as you are in nearly all cases, so it can definitely affect you, the combination of conversation with visuals and music. The experience you have at times like those (and here’s where the nerdbashers come out of the fucking woodwork) is not unlike that of a date, but the kind of date people have in movies. Seriously, I’ve had some very human, cool experiences exploring this universe with people that didn’t come within 100 miles of creepy nerdsex. Just some people hanging out doing cool shit in a different medium.

To sum up, I’m having one of the strangest, funniest, most disturbing yet amazing times of my life playing with SL, and if you have the means, I strongly recommend that you check it out. In the meantime, I’ll be talking a lot about Second Life in the coming days and months, and probably even posting pictures/video as soon as I get a chance.