A friend of mine with an interest in psychology asked me to take the test on this page, in Appendix C earlier today. From the description of the test: “This inventory is a 31-item scale of events and is scored from highest (death of a close family member) to lowest (minor traffic violations). Scores of 300 or higher indicate a relatively high health risk; scores of 150-299 indicate a 50/50 chance of serious health problems within two years.” Now, on the copy of the test my friend was reading, it had the timeline stretched to a year in each direction rather than 6 months, so we’ll take these results with the appropriate grain of salt, but…

My score was 579.

I have good days and bad days, as I tell people, but I’ve come to a few conclusions:

1. Either most people can’t show up in my life in the way I’d like them to, or they just don’t want to.

2. I probably have more fans than friends, and if I did anything right, I would have way more fans than I do. Adjust those numbers accordingly for “friends”.

3. I’m a great idea in theory, but in practice, not so much.

4. While I feel I am in serious need of help, I possess a deep distrust of the professions who are in charge of “help” in this country, if not this entire world.

5. There’s a very strong chance that whatever I think would help me feel better will not.

6. No matter what’s going on, the world isn’t going to stop having its demands of me, demands that I really am in no condition to fill right now.

7. Someone who did a lot of damage to me, and who has a lot of problems of her own said “You need to learn how to treat people better.” about 13 months ago, and regardless of how hypocritical it might have been for her to have been the one to say that, she’s still right.

8. I really can’t talk openly about a lot of what’s going on in my life, even privately, because I am concerned about the adverse effect that it would have on my life and the lives of others that I care about.

9. I’m the one who has to dig myself out of this hole, and right now, I’m amazed that I have the strength to start and finish each day, never mind get any better.

10. In every single situation that led to me being who, what and where I am, I had choices, and I took the ones that brought me here.

For those who have been wondering, that’s how I’m doing.

I’m having a really hard time seeing why I bother right now.

Show me why I bother, and do it really convincingly, or I’m going to stop. Do it here, do it in that mythical place known as “the real world” where I’m completely unable to function, do it wherever, but just do it, or the person so many people pay lip service to as the greatest thing since sliced bread (while acting in ways that betray their words) will simply cease to be, if he hasn’t already, and he’ll be replaced by someone far, far worse than me, which may be what the public wants, compelling television and all, but it’s not what I want.

“Fuck time.”
-Topher Delcon, in Heck earlier

Folks,

Due to unforeseen circumstances (a respiratory infection that I’m not having much fun with), I’m unable to play Friday night’s show at The Loop Lounge. However, this does not mean you should not go!

After all, Nanuchka are still playing, and they are quite fantastic. Not getting to see them again on Friday is perhaps what I’m most bummed about regarding this cancellation (much as I’d love to sing and dance for you all again), because they were really great at Club Midway last month. Great songs, and so much energy in their performance. Definitely on the list of must-see artists in the New York area right now, and I have a pretty strong gut feeling that people the world over are going to be hearing their name way more often in the very near future. Tall Days will also be appearing as well, but alas, I’ve been too busy to check ‘em out thus far. I’m sure they’re solid, too, but I can’t be like “Man, you *need* to see this band!” like I am with Nanuchka just yet.

Apologies to all who were looking forward to seeing me this week (and thanks to the Loop staff for being so patient with me), but again, seriously, like I said…Nanuchka! Great great great! Doors are still at 10, admission’s still probably $7, and it’s still 18+ to enter, 21+ to drink.

As for me, I’ll see you all as soon as I can, either in the real world where you’re familiar with seeing me perform, or in Second Life, where I will begin performing shows very soon. If you need more information on that, by all means, message me.

Luvz0rz,
-S