Man, am I fuckin’ thirsty.

The 2007 Heck Street Fair is Saturday, August 18th! Our inaugural outdoor event will be 8 full hours of the weirdness that is Heck, neatly packaged into four mini-events showcasing our most popular activities.

Part I of our programming day is called “Skate…Or…Dive!” and it features the sporting side of Heck. We recently had a popular event called “LIVE NUDE ROLLER DISCO!” at Heck (which will be a regular event here for now on), and because it was so much fun, we’re encouraging everyone to put their skates back on (or get a pair of Skoopfs from us!) and go nuts on our property. Do tricks, dance, explore the Heck compound, take your clothes off and skate nude, you name it! This part is purely an exhibition, but it’ll be fun!

We’ll also be having a skydiving contest, using Terra Aeronautics products (Pro Chutes are *required* to enter; get yours at Abbotts Aerodrome or check with us closer to the event). This contest will have a L$500 prize.

It’s all happening from Noon-2 PM SLT, and it’s just the start!

Part 2 of our event, “ZOMG SHOPPING” is devoted to all the wonderful vendors we have in the Heck Mall, including Absentia, Feelgood and Sunshine Kind, The Gamer Grid, Happycat Industries, Sin, Unexpected Error, Fugly Jewels and @Dusk, who generously bought naming rights to this event for their other store. ;)

Throughout the day, Heck vendors will be making appearances at their stores (times TBA; check with your favorite vendor or us for up-to-the-minute info), but this is an opportunity to devote quality time to checking out their wares without having the sky divers, video games or naked people distract you too much! Worry not though, adventure lovers! There will still be dancing throughout this event with Heck’s resident DJ, Lexa Pro and The Ladies Of Heck!

Part III of our event, the Arcade Olympics, tests your skill at 5 of Seven Shikami’s popular OpenArcade games! The person with the best combined high score ranking on Freestylers: Groove, Fist Of Discomfort, Phrase Invaders, Zombie Meltdown and Whack-A-Mole will walk away with L$1000! You will be awarded 5 points for each first place finish, 4 for each second and so forth down to 1 point for fifth. Ties will result in a sudden death showdown! All participants must play all 5 games to be eligible (and you’ve only got 2 hours to get ranked, so play fast and don’t get too hung up on any one game), and the games are L$1 per play! While you play, Lexa Pro DJs and The Ladies Of Heck keep you company!

To finish off the event in style, Part IV, “The Nightcap” is your last chance to shake it for us, and have us shake it back at you! Lexa Pro, already doing a marathon for this unprecedented outdoor event at Heck, gives you his best 2 hours at the back end, and The Ladies Of Heck will be there, so show them what you’re made of while you watch the last sunset of the event and dance into the night! Anything goes at this one, kids!

So, I regged for free tickets to Ozzfest tomorrow at PNC Bank Arts Center back in June just for the hell of it. Wasn’t planning on going unless I’m bored enough to see what’s left of poor Ozzy, and I figured there’d be some kind of scam running since the legalese for the free ticket mentioned that it didn’t cover parking. Right on schedule, I get an email tonight from Live Nation about the ticket with the following information in it:

“There will be a $25 parking fee per car upon entering the lot the day of the show.”

Now, if I really wanted to, I could catch the free shuttle bus from my local train station, but most people can’t, and most people have probably made plans already without knowing about this fee, if all of the emails went out tonight as the one I received did. So, I figured I’d mention this just as a heads-up to anyone who hasn’t gotten the email, anyone who has tickets to future dates (where they’re probably running the same scam), and just as a general middle finger kind of a thing to the powers that be who decided that this was a reasonable, ethical thing to do. I might go now just to use some of Live Nation’s gas. I could use a good 40 minute walk tomorrow, anyway. Worst-case, I get to the buses and find out that they’re charging for rides to the Arts Center too, in which case, hey, exercise.

Problem solved. Thanks to this site’s (and my) benefactors, you know who you are.

Now, to start slowly and carefully easing my way into moderate exercise while working around a coming heat wave and adjusting to new medication.

I’m not great at “the whole brevity thing” when I talk about my life, so I’ll try to keep this as concise as possible.

Here are the major points that need to be covered, broken down into 10 parts:

1. My mental state and my emotional state are slowly but steadily improving. I’m still in pretty shit condition, mostly because my life was so exhausting over the past year and a half, with a side order of “I’m still very tired and having a lot of trouble managing my “me” time properly”, but things are stabilizing and slowly improving, at least for now. I’m hopeful that things at least stay the course or improve dramatically, but I’ll settle for them staying the course. I’m not pondering giving up or killing myself on any kind of a regular basis, or at least I haven’t been for the past couple of weeks.

2. A situation that had been very stressful to myself and several other people I do care deeply about has come to a conclusion, for better or worse, and this has made a positive difference in my ability to cope on a day-to-day basis, at least for the time being. I’m having the kind of residual feelings that a person has in the aftermath of a highly stressful, emotionally draining situation involving some degree of wrongdoing on their part, but I’m no longer kneedeep in the trenches, so to speak. All I can do is hope that the people involved have forgiven me and themselves or will (this holds true of myself as well as the others) and that their lives go OK from here out.

3. No, I’m not willing to go into any more detail on subject #2 or many others than I have. Those who should know about certain events in my life do, and those who shouldn’t simply won’t from here out unless they choose to invade the little bit of privacy I allow myself (which they do at their own peril). I’ve put too much out here for too long, and even if I pull the sidewalks in a bit, I’ll still have plenty of my own story to tell.

4. Despite speaking negatively on many, many occasions about therapy and psychiatric medication, I have been in therapy for a month and I start my medication today. I arrived at a point recently where my distrust of the professions and the chemicals that pay for them, and my concerns about previous habits causing trouble for me once I had access to the legal drugs were overridden by intense, regular bouts of anxiety, mood swings, and a generally worsening condition that scared the hell out of me and led me to believe that I should at least try doing something that amounts to the opposite of everything I believe in, just on the off chance that it will help. Besides, if I do this and it fails miserably, provided that I live through said failure, no one will ever be able to give me shit about not giving these things an honest try. Maybe that’s not the best attitude to go in with, but beggars can’t be choosers, and I am indeed giving things an honest try.

5. As I said above, I started therapy a month ago, and despite previous claims that it would take 70 years to explain birth-present day to a therapist, I’m about a year away from the present day after 4 sessions). I am also being as frank and forthcoming as I possibly can, and I’m trying to be as open and receptive as possible when talking to or listening to my therapist, despite my earlier concerns of my therapy experience being a combination Nick Cave protagonist/James Randi routine on my part. I still could end up there, and maybe I am and just haven’t noticed it yet, but I am trying not to be and am cautiously optimistic that I could pull this off.

6. In addition to the therapy, as I also stated above, I start my medication today, hence my decision to finally post about these things today. I ask everyone within earshot to keep an eye on me, and not to hesitate to tell me about any changes in my behavior or health, either positive or negative, that you notice from here out. I may not be the most receptive person in the world when I hear what you have to say. In fact, I may be downright nasty. However, I am thanking you in advance just in case I’m unable to do so later, and even if I do snap at you at the time that you talk to me about your observations, know that I do appreciate them, because I’m telling you pre-drugs that I do.

7. Moving on to the physical end of things, I am still exhausted, despite making some positive changes in my diet and getting as much rest as possible. This is natural considering what I’ve been through, but still frustrating. I’m still trying to keep my workload to a minimum to avoid setbacks, which includes not letting myself take baby steps back into music yet, despite having at least one of my songs stuck in my head per day. It’s really hard not to make music, but given what I’ve been through, it’s also just as hard to consider doing it until I feel healthier (and safer) and have some sort of a plan in place to do so.

8. Despite a desire to and a need to because I’m definitely out of shape, I haven’t started any kind of exercise program yet. This is largely because I can’t find a pair of sneakers I like for a reasonable price. Isn’t that the stupidest fucking thing you’ve ever heard in your life? Regardless, that’s my lot at the moment. I need a sneaker good for walking, running and cross-training, whatever that means. Suggestions are welcome and greatly appreciated.

9. Financial issues are still looming very large, as they have been for years. To put it all in perspective, I’ve not been to a “show up for work” kind of job since February of 2002. That’s 5 1/2 years that I’ve been scrambling to survive, freelancing with no health insurance and no guarantees, and trying (and failing) to make some of the things I do on the Internet at least break even, so that I don’t feel guilty about doing the things that help me keep what’s left of my sanity in check. I did manage to replace my last car, which was a money pit, with something that will hopefully be more stable, but my other expenses have increased or will be increasing soon, between medication, therapy/psychiatry costs, increased Internet costs, and so forth. I’ve been so strapped for money that I haven’t had a haircut since January, and I look like hell. If my last pair of clippers wasn’t busted, I’d just go through the hassle of cutting my own hair, disaster that it usually was, but it is, and I also really don’t trust myself to do that regularly, to be honest. I am strongly and seriously considering talking to a lawyer before the end of this month, because things are getting desperate, and I need to explore my options as best I can. Any suggestions of disability and/or Social Security lawyers who operate in New Jersey are greatly appreciated.

10. In the meantime, until I know where I’m at, I hate to keep leaving this out there, but any financial help that people can offer is greatly appreciated, and helps to not only keep my web site(s) alive, but also myself. I realize that my situation is totally pathetic and I feel horrible about it. It’s embarrassing, and it frightens the hell out of me, because it really wouldn’t take that much for me to be totally helpless at this point if I don’t make some sort of move toward changing my position in life (and as I said in the last paragraph, I’m going to seriously start looking into at least one set of options on that front). Alas, a job just isn’t the way out of this hole yet, because I’m clearly and obviously in no shape to have one, nor have I been for quite some time. If any of what I’ve said here or elsewhere sounds like me making excuses, so be it. I know my limitations, and I’ve got the guts to talk about them publicly in a way that paints what is perhaps a very ugly, unfavorable picture of myself, which is not the world’s best “sell” of who I am, but it’s the truth. If you want to aggravate me, yourself or the readers by debating me on this subject, I’m going to tell you in advance not to bother. Even if you’re just trying to challenge me to be a better person or thinking of playing devil’s advocate “for my own good”, you’re wasting your time and energy, at least for now. With that said, if you’d really like to help me, click the button below.