Remember back when Street Fighter II was popular in arcades? There was always one 8 year old kid that hung out by the machine and kicked the crap out of all comers. He was good. Drove everyone batshit. So, you watched him play, thought about the moves he used, formulated a strategy, picked out Chun-Li, who you kicked ass with, threw a quarter in while he was playing, began a match…and still got the crap kicked out of you, after all that preparation.

Today was that 8 year old kid.

Jog 2 minutes/walk 1 minute x 3
Jog 1 minute/walk 2 minutes x 2
Jog 2 minutes/walk 1 minute x 2

And then I had to stop, because I felt winded, and woozy in that way that I felt last week when they took blood from me in the hospital. Yes, I ate and drank something before I ran. Yes, I was hydrating properly. Yes, I had a phone with me as I always do, in case of emergency. No, I wasn’t overdoing the speed. The combination of the extra minute’s jog I tacked onto the total by accident Monday, that I stuck with today, the week I took off because I was sick, and the new shoes I’m still getting used to just did me in, so I stopped, took about an 8 minute break to catch my breath, hydrate a little, and assess things, and when I stood up to walk up to the road again, my shins and calves had stiffened up some because of the break, so I walked the rest of the course (and over to the clubhouse in my complex, to see that they don’t have shit in their “exercise room”) and went home.

Total time: 21 minutes before break, 8 minute break, then 20 minutes of walking to the clubhouse and home at a measured pace.

Total distance: probably about a mile before I stopped, then about .7 miles walking afterward. Before things blew up, I’d made it further into the course than I had previously, once again. Still gotta find that fuckin’ pedometer. This weekend, I tear the room apart.

I actually feel pretty good about the fact that I got my ass kicked today, for a number of reasons. First off, I’m not sure if I went past the point where anyone knowledgable would have recommended that I stop, but when my body told me to stop, I didn’t get macho, I listened, and I stopped. That makes me feel like I did an ok job of taking responsibility for myself, even though I screwed up a little by adding an extra minute each of the past two days. Second, it took me 11 workouts before I hit a wall and was legitimately gassed. Third, I realize that, had I been able to continue, there only would have been one more tough minute of running before I hit easy street. That minute? Yep, the one I tacked on by accident on Monday, and decided to try and tough out today. So, really, I don’t feel like I slacked. I just feel like I got ahead of myself a little, and (hopefully) only paid for it a little. My shins were sore while I was walking home and showering, but 10 minutes after the shower, they feel alright. I’m not winded per se, but again today, as it was with Monday (because I added a little too much to the workload, I think), I’ve got a little of that burn in my lungs that I’ve gotten in the past when I’ve had to run faster or further than I was used to, and it’s making me cough a little. I’ve felt a lot worse after runs that I’ve actually finished, as has been documented here.

What I think I’ll do from here, as I usually do, is see how I feel on my next scheduled running day, which is Friday. If the lungs and the shins are still a bother, I’ll do the run on Saturday instead as a precaution. I will stick with the current program, though I’m not going to go to the next step in the program until I feel comfortable and confident with five 2 minute runs in there. I won’t go backward, but I’m not going to be going forward, either. No biggie. I’m still on pace.

The other thing I decided today, as I was walking home with my tail between my legs, concerned my first intermediate goal on the path to NYC. By the end of September, I’d like to run and finish my first 5K run without hurting or embarrassing myself. I’m actually not that far off from doing it comfortably. I’m doing a little over half the distance in walk/run already after a month (today’s blowup aside), but I want to give myself a little time to be able to handle the distance comfortably, and also, if at all possible, avoid having my first race as part of a pack in really hot weather, so sometime in September, I’ll have my first crack at it.

Onto Friday (or Saturday, conditions permitting). I’m totally gonna knock that 8 year old kid’s head off next time.

What a bummer, man.

Al had a hell of a run, though, and created something that, for better or worse, left an indelible mark on the human psyche.

I had a great idea for one in the bathroom today. Sadly, it’s no longer logistically possible, but:

The Beatles’ “Back In The U.S.S.R.”, as covered by The Ramones.

I don’t think they ever did it, did they?

I’m so glad Doug Pierce is still releasing the same record after all these years. Good times. Here’s hoping he gets a bigger audience out of it.

As long-time readers of this site and long-time viewers of The Price Is Right may know, Bob Barker would send a signed photo of himself to anyone who asked for one, and not just those who sent a self-addressed, stamped envelope, either. Toward the end of his run, Bob was responding to email requests!

Anyway, when Drew Carey started working on the show back a ways, I figured I’d shoot them an email and see if I could get a signed picture of Drew. A month later, an envelope from The Price Is Right arrives, and sure enough, there’s a picture of Drew in it, signed! But wait…something was amiss. As it turned out, the ink was printed on the negative of the picture, rather than being hand-signed (and even if Bob had an intern do it, he made sure we got ink on photo paper). To Drew’s credit here, though I thought it was kind of a bush league move, the inscription said, “Dear ______, I’ll never forget that time we ______ in _____. Your Friend, Drew Carey” or something to that effect, which is almost funny. And in Drew’s defense, he’s got a much busier career than Bob does, as he still does a lot of other stuff besides TPIR, whereas Bob did the show, his animal charity stuff, some golf, and he spent the rest of his time banging the HELL out of the models on the show or DYING TRYING. Bob probably had more time to yell at interns to sign those pictures, damn it!

I kinda stewed over this for a little while, watched the show a little less than I was, and even though it was a silly, trivial issue in the grand scheme of things, I did decide that the people in charge needed a piece of my mind. So, I wrote to them:

“Hi there,

Before I start, I would like to thank you for the picture of Drew
Carey, as I requested on December 1st, 2007. However, at the risk of
perhaps seeming ungrateful (and I’m certainly not that; I meditated on
the propriety of sending an email like this for some time before I
actually sat down and typed it, because I didn’t want to seem greedy
or unappreciative…), I would like to call something to your
attention that concerned me a little about it. A few years ago, I made
a similar request for a signed photo of Bob Barker, as it was offered
on your The Price Is Right web site, and received it 6 weeks later,
personally autographed. That photo is framed on my wall, right near my
television set. The Drew Carey photo, however, had a funny but
impersonal “Dear ____” message printed directly on the photo negative.
Now, there are a few factors to consider here. First off, when I made
the request for the photo, Drew was not offering an autographed
picture on the site in the same way that Bob did, near as I can tell.
Second, it is possible that Drew could have some sort of hand ailment
(and no, I’m not being facetious) that precludes him from a lot of
signing, though I have seen him doing some for audience members at the
end of the show. However, as I’m sure you’ll agree, traditions are a
very important part of The Price Is Right (the games, the music, the
sound that the announcers have gone for through at least 3 different
announcers, and even the pet population message has remained after
Bob’s retirement), and even if Bob actually didn’t personally sign all
of those pictures, passing the work off to an assistant (I’m not
saying that this is the case for sure, just open to the possibility
that it was, as it’s a not-too-uncommon practice in Hollywood), he
still made sure that everyone who asked got a photo with actual ink on
it, and some of us, myself certainly included, treasure those photos
and the personal touch that went along with them. If Drew’s policy is
to send out these signed-on-the-negative photos, it could result in
some hurt feelings here and there. I’ll admit that it stung a little
when I got a good look at the picture and realized how it was signed,
which is why I’m writing to you. If you can let Drew know that some of
us who have really been pulling for him as new host might be put off
by his approach to this, I would greatly appreciate it. I am still
pulling for him, but I’m also hoping that he sees that certain parts
of the show’s tradition, even the menial ones, should be respected, as
should the viewers who benefit from them, because we really are doing
our best to embrace him as host, and we wish him all the success in
the world.

Sincerely Yours,
Scott Crawford

P.S. I did not write this letter to try to weasel another picture out
of you guys; the message here is really the important thing. However,
if Drew reads this or hears about this and feels that it’s important
to make good, my address is below, just so you don’t have to go
digging through a ton of emails to find it.

(address redacted)”

Not too “trying to impress Jodie Foster” I hope, not too Comic Shop Guy, just a reasonable concern from a longtime viewer. I sent this email out, oh, I guess it was a little under 3 months ago, and have not heard anything, so, I figured it was time to tell the story, and ask you all to *politely* see if policies have changed over there at CBS Television City. I’m basically over it, and though I’ve been watching the show less than I was (more time constraints and sleep schedule than anything else), it’s not a situation where I can’t watch the show because I feel like I was wronged (see: Pitt, Brad; seriously, email Uncle Bob and ask him about Brad Pitt’s legal team, then never ask me again if I saw “that movie with Brad Pitt in it…”), but I do want to know if Drew’s started hand-signing or not.

If those of you who haven’t already bugged them for a photo of Drew (let’s not be greedy, folks) could please drop a polite (key word, because if you’re not polite, you could ruin this for everyone) email to pir@tvc.cbs.com, requesting a signed photo (don’t forget to include your mailing address), I would greatly appreciate any stories you could pass onto me about what you received in the mail (genuine signature vs. facsimile signature, etc.), how you were responded to and such. I’d just like to know if my concerns were taken to heart here, without personally bugging them any further.

Best of luck to you all in your pursuit of a signed pic!

Also: they changed the site for the show recently, apparently. The FAQ (where I found out about the picture offer in the first place) is conspicuous by its absence, but on the upside, you can watch full episodes right on the site!

It seems that a different URL is required to access my RSS feed. This means that a lot of your RSS feed settings for the Cock may be broken. Of course, if you don’t check the main site and read this here, you’ll never know about this, because, yep, RSS has changed. Fuckers. Anyway, once again, here’s the new RSS feed URL:

http://www.mybigblackcock.com/wp-rss2.php

Please update your records, whenever the hell you get around to reading this.

Yep, back to the grindstone, like I didn’t miss a beat.

2 minutes jogging/1 minute walking x 2
1 minute jogging/2 minutes walking x 3
2 minutes jogging/1 minute walking x 2
1 minute jogging/2 minutes walking x 3

Total time: 31 minutes (had to tie my shoes after the last jog)
Total mileage: still can’t find the fuckin’ pedometer, but I went further into the course than I have, yet again. Definitely past the mile and a half mark, but not near 2 miles yet, we could probably say 1.6 miles or so.

Not only did I not take a step back in the workout today, I accidentally did an extra 2 minute jog over what I was supposed to. Lungs are a little rough because i got a little overheated on the course (not winded at all, just a little raw), but the new shoes work wonders, and my shins feel great.

Right back in business, and onward to Wednesday.

From time to time, I get a song stuck in my head that’s really easy to make dirty, offensive and downright wrong, “I Only Wanna Be With You” by Hootie And The Blowfish (which I’ve written about before) being one such song, and another of the greats is “Always A Woman” by Billy Joel. Some stand-up comedian did a bit about this back in the 80’s, too, possibly pre-”Full House” Bob Saget, but it’s such an untapped well of comedy gold that it’s worth revisiting.

For example:

“She pees standing up, but she’s always a woman to me…”

“She likes to chow box, but she’s always a woman to me…”

“She’s got a huge knob, but she’s always a woman to me…”

You get the picture. 5 syllables, then “but she’s always a woman to me…”.

Now, I want to hear the best you’ve got, Internets. Comment wherever comments can be made in response to this, and let’s create something REALLY filthy.

…and the folks at the WordPress team who found about it a little too late to save me 2 hours of code work just now, but mostly the exploit guy, I extend a hearty “THBBBBTTTTTT!!!!!!!!” in your direction.

Here.

I’ll probably idle a lot, we’ll probably get plenty of visits from people who are like “show me ur cock”, I might eventually link the place up via 2-way relay with Heck in Second Life, and eventually we’ll get kicked off Freenode (at which time I’ll finally, after 12 years, get off my ass and put together an IRC server), but it’ll be another fun experiment.

For some reason last night, I started thinking about the things that I’ll either never have a chance to do again, or never had a chance to do in the first place, because the opportunity went away before I was born or remotely near being old enough to do. Not exactly a happy subject, but it’s an interesting (if somewhat short; I didn’t want to spend a year thinking about this before I hit the “post” button) list, and maybe it’ll spur me, as well as as some of you fuckers out in TV land, to get off our collective asses and do a few of the things we’ve been putting off. Anyway, on with today’s pointless conversation maker. =)

Things I never had a chance to do in the first place:

1. Attend a Brooklyn Dodgers game at Ebbets Field: You’d think that, with me being a fan of the team I am, it’d be Babe Ruth this, Lou Gehrig that, DiMaggio this, Mantle that, Larsen this, but nope. I’ve totally caught the bug on this one over the past few years. The more I read, see and hear about this ballpark and that team, the more I think that I just might not have been a Yankee fan, at least not exclusively, had I been born in a different time. This is really about the only thing I feel like I’d want to do on pre-1960 planet Earth, which will probably appall at least a few of the people who read this. I’m sorry, but as glorious as the idea of grabbing a cavewoman by the hair, dragging her up a rocky cliff, and savagely violating her on top of a big pile of dinosaur shit that may or may not contain the remains of your friends may seem to some, I’m gonna file that one in the “probably a lot better on paper” pile and go to the ballgame instead. It just seems more civilized to me.

2. Hang out in two New York nightclubs that actually seemed to matter, Danceteria and Studio 54, during their heyday: I’ve actually been in 54 a ton of times, when it was the new Ritz, but never when it was 54, and as much fun as I had at the Ritz back then, it didn’t really register with me where I was until much later on in life. Now, given my general feelings on clubs, there’s a chance that, stripped of their mythical stature and placed in the here and now, they probably would’ve bored the tits off of me like most clubs do, but I would have at least liked the opportunity to be that fucking bored.

3. See Jimi Hendrix live: I’d imagine this would be kind of like watching someone reinvent the electric guitar on the fly, in front of you, while around a lot of people who were on a ton of really high quality psychedelics.

4. Meet John Lennon: I wouldn’t have necessarily wanted to see The Beatles, or see him perform. I just would’ve liked to have met the guy and talked to him for a little bit.

5. Be at Yankee Stadium when Roger Maris hit his 61st home run in 1961: OK, there is one Yankee-related thing I would’ve wanted to be there for, because Roger needed and deserved to have more people in the stands cheering for him on that day.

Things I totally blew my chance to do:

1. Meet Jack Kirby: I totally could’ve made it to one of the conventions he attended. Another guy I would’ve loved to have gotten to know, because not only did he create entire universes on his lunch break, he did so with a strangely populist, working-class sensibility, and a really dry sense of humor, if you’re looking for it. In some ways, from what I’ve read, he was a lot like Yogi Berra, if Yogi created universes. Same kinda streetwise Zen thing going on. This reminds me, I need to add Mark Evanier’s Kirby book to my Amazon list.

2. See Stiv Bators live: the day was December 30th, 1988. I was in New York, about 6 blocks from the Ritz (the old Ritz, which is now Webster Hall), and the Dead Boys were playing a show there that night. I didn’t have to be home at any particular time, I had nothing better to do, and I had the money to go to the show. For some reason, I went home. I still have no idea what the fuck I was thinking, but I’m pretty sure that’s the last time Stiv played New York before he died in 1990. I suck.

3. See Nirvana live: I had about a million chances to do this, most of them with Nirvana playing in places the size of my bedroom, and I was like “Oh, I’ll go next time…” every time. Last time they played New York was January of ‘94. I had a ride up, I had barely enough money to snag scalped tickets if I got lucky, I *knew* somehow that it was probably my last shot, and I just got discouraged for some reason and stayed home.

4. Push my parents to get me a Commodore 64 with a disk drive and a modem, Christmas 1983, instead of that friggin’ Vic-20. Me being a kid, I didn’t want the 64 to be the only thing under the tree (which probably accounts for my leaning in my older years toward gifts and major purchases, for myself or others, being things that help further myself or the person I’m buying for, sort of a backlash reaction…), and my parents didn’t have a clue about the stuff beyond “OH MY GOD, THAT DISK DRIVE IS HOW MUCH?!?!?!” and “OH NO, YOU’LL RUN UP THE PHONE BILL!” So, now, I write stuff like this on the ‘net, and some of my peers are millionaires or world-changing visionaries. I’m not saying that the gear would’ve made me, and certainly a resourceful, focused, motivated kid would’ve gotten some juice out of the Vic-20 (if Jeff Minter’s reading this, I’m sure he’ll agree), but by ‘83, a Vic was kind of like trying to kill the Cloverfield monster with a fly swatter.

5. Play Little League Baseball: I only got to do a year of this, late on in my childhood, on a team where I basically got ignored because I wasn’t friends with the coach’s son. Earlier on, despite the fact that my folks saw that I loved Reggie Jackson, loved baseball cards, and could use some work in the socialization and cooperation departments, they never wanted me in, because it was “too expensive” and because they didn’t feel like being bothered with the other parents, who probably were assholes, but you put that stuff aside and let your kid play ball. I might not have even known I wanted to do it, but I sure did spend a lot of time hanging out at that ball field for a kid who didn’t want to play ball.

So, basically, we’re talking about baseball, comic books, computers and music in a whole world and millions of years of experience. No Jesus, no Buddha, no Einstein, no long-lost relatives, and no truly world-shaping experiences by many peoples’ definition of that concept. What can I say? I know what I like. Anyway, what would y’all put on your respective lists?

Migraines and a virus, one on top of the other.

No jogging this week.

I feel like Ralphie in “A Christmas Story” after the ricochet gets him.

When I grow up, I think I want to be a cross between Peter Gabriel and Knut the polar bear.

Haven’t posted one of these in a while. Usually, I tie it to a “what’s going on in my life” deal, but I think I’m going to make this article sticky in the sidebar, as a one-stop resource for ways people can help out the site, and hopefully some deals that’ll help them out as well.

Simply put, despite the fact that I occasionally talk about buying things on here (like the sneakers I got recently, which I paid for with part of some money that I got for a box of comic books I sold, and found at a huge discount), I am still totally hurting for money and essential goods. In addition, I’m also occasionally in need of some help with this web site and some others, mostly just in the realm of reining in the monster that is my Internet presence. Here are some ways you can help me out (and in some cases, yourself) on this two front war. I’ll update this piece periodically, as I come up with more stuff, particularly items which aren’t just totally self-serving, but also benefit you.

1. If you see any outdated links or features on this site or on any of the other 39492030284 sites I either run or have stuff on, email me and let me know about it. I already know that there’s stuff in the sidebar of this site that needs to be fixed, but having y’all remind me might motivate me to do it quicker.

2. Join Second Life, and use my Second Life username as a referrer. If you do this, and at some point get a Premium account with SL (which I am by no means trying to get you to do; that’s a personal choice, really), I get some moneys.

   Don’t know my Second Life username? There’s a few reasons for that. While I don’t totally bury it and keep it off the rest of the ‘net, I do like to make it a little challenging to find me. Also, the clever pun I used in my username could, at some point, get me a headache or two from Some People, so I don’t advertise it or market what I do with it. That said, if you’re joining Second Life, email me and I’ll gladly tell you who I am.

3. Click through my text ads in the top right hand corner of this site. Annoying and boring, but always helpful. Or, even better, you can buy a text ad for the incredibly low price of a buck a day, that says and links to pretty much anything (I do have to approve these things, so an ad that says “Scott Crawford blows lepers for unfiltered Luckies” and links to Sammy Hagar’s web site probably won’t be approved, but I’m pretty flexible otherwise.)

4. Are you thinking of getting a web site, or switching web hosting? I’m on Dreamhost, and for the most part, they do not suck. If you click the link I used for Dreamhost back there, yes, this one, I get a referral bonus. You don’t need to enter any email address or promo code to name me as a referrer, just click this motherfucker right here.

5. I make music. Some of it is available for sale on Amazon, iTunes, eMusic, or Rhapsody if you’re looking for downloadable or streaming copies, or Lulu if you’re still buying CDs. Interestingly (actually kinda sadly, but this is why I press these things on a “made-to-order” basis), there’s only one copy of the CD in existence from Lulu so far. So, if you’re into rare collector’s items by artists no one pays that much attention to, this is the time to get one. =)

6. Do you record and release music? If so, are you on Tunecore?
   Sign up through here, and you hook the old man up with a commission. Tunecore are who I used to get my music on iTunes, Amazon and so forth. They’re good people.

7. This here’s my Amazon Wishlist. It’s mostly populated by things that I want rather than need at the moment, but expect that to change soon. In the meantime, if you’d like to contribute to my entertainment, feel free.

8. I know that a bunch of you comment over on the LiveJournal simulcast of this site, but I’d love to see more folks registering and commenting on the actual Cock site. I’d get a chubby.

9. If you use RSS anywhere (Bloglines, My Yahoo!, Google Reader, etc.) and you haven’t yet, add this site to your list of available feeds. I know there are a ton of different services that people use, but I’ve got a migraine as I’m typing this, so I’m not quite feeling like hunting for new ones or re-coding existing buttons that I have on other sites at the moment. If I don’t include a button for a service you use below, let me know!
   Posts | Comments

   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   

10. If you have a site yourself, and would like to link to us, by all means, feel free! If you want or need a banner, use the title logo in our header for now. I think I have a banner somewhere, but again, migraine! Likewise, if you’d like to be in our links section on our sidebar, drop me a line and tell me what you’re about, and we’ll take it from there.

11. If anyone’s looking to help a brother out in a way that’d directly support the actual web presence itself, I could really use a Flickr Pro Account, and promise to use it for incredibly evil purposes if I get one.

12. If you’re thinking of opening an ING Direct Orange Savings Account with $250 or more (and you don’t have one already), drop me a line with your real first and last name and your email address, and I’ll send you a referral code. You get $25 deposited directly into your account when you sign up, and I get $10.

13. And, finally, here’s our friend the ubiquitous PayPal donation box. Donations of any amount over a buck (below that, PayPal eats it all on fees) really help, folks.
    

    I would also put up a donation button that’d let you pay for this site directly, but it’s the same deal, fees and all, as if you paid me directly via PayPal, only this way, I don’t have to explain to Dreamhost that this site has already passed the “Is this site a porn site?” litmus test that PayPal uses when they lock your PayPal account. Strangely, Google AdSense didn’t want anything to do with me, despite Google generally being way more liberal than PayPal is.

More will be added to this page periodically, so check back!

Got a nice deal on these. $50, tax-and-shipping-free. Wonderfully comfortable. Not terribly stylish, but not hideous either, and besides, I’m not wearing them when I’m not running, so I’m good to go. They retail at $135, and though this particular model is 2 years old now, the cheapest I’ve seen it online is $65.

Booyah, grandma, booyah.

Let the reclamation of my shins begin!