I’m going to declare war on a faceless, abstract opponent.

Fear.

I have a whiteboard in my room, which originally was for to-do lists, but my to-do lists move too quickly for anything like that to be practical (they’re embedded in 2 columns on my desktop now), so it became something of a visual manifestation of my super-ego. There is a list of questions written on it, and one of those questions, for most of this year, has been “What am I afraid of?”

The answer, which should come as no surprise to many of you, is “quite a lot, and plenty of it unreasonable from a purely intellectual standpoint”.

So, I’m going to work on that some.

I don’t plan on doing the whole cliff-jumping, speedballing, unprotected sex with your mom trip. It’s not really about the broader strokes (or stroking broads). It’s more about that subtle kind of fear, the really ugly one, that keeps us from taking chances that might have a real impact on life. Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of rejection, fear of not being rejected, even fear of not enjoying myself because the DJ is a douchebag and will undoubtedly play songs that I have no desire to hear ever again. I have my share of fear of danger/injury/death as well, don’t get me wrong, but at the risk of rationalizing, that’s kept me alive long enough to realize that life’s a lot more rewarding if you’re not in such a damned hurry to dull it, sharpen it, speed it up or slow it down, and you’re generally less of an asshole when you’re not in said hurry. Some of that fear probably still has its place, but it’s not at the core of why I’m not in as much of a hurry to endanger myself in my old age.

But yeah, those more subtle kinds of fear, the kind that tend to populate the songs and stories of jaded British men and the people who love them, I think I need to spend some serious time examining those, figuring out what’s at the root of them, and figuring out how to get a good, solid handle on them, if not eliminating them entirely. For a time in my life, all it took was a weekend and a few hits of acid to tackle them on a case-by-case basis, but I’m thinking that there are other methods more conducive to my lifestyle these days.

We’ll see how this goes.

Been trying to give you all some sort of real update on my life for close to two months now, but it’s taken a lot of time and a lot of thought to arrive at a place where I could even type this first line.

I have a standing policy against talking about my romantic relationships here when they’re active, to protect the people I’m with from, well, some of the people who read this site, and also to put at least a little distance between “the show” and my personal life. Alas, this means that those of you who can be trusted and wouldn’t harass the people I’m involved with get to miss out on hearing about the joy of my relationships (at least in this space; I do talk about them privately, but that’s where I feel things belong on that front), and just hear about the piss and misery after the relationships and the void between the relationships. What a deal, eh? I wish I felt differently about this, but with all that I put out there of myself, I have to have something that’s just mine. Well, just mine and anyone that I’m involved with. Some have hinted in the past that this is my way of keeping my options open, and some have actually been hurt by the fact that they’re not a part of My Big, Black Cock in the role of “the girlfriend”, but really, it’s just some protection that I allow myself and the people I care about, and I think it’s a worthwhile step to take, so I take it.

Where am I going with this? Well, I became a single person again about a month and a half ago, after a couple years of not being one. It was for the best, it was mutual to the degree that anything like this is, but it was time. I wish the person I was involved with the best, but I’m also taking as much space as possible away from them, just for our mutual sanity and the sanity of our mutual friends. We tried to maintain regular contact for about a week and a half, and it got uncomfortable in a hurry, so that’s where it’s at.

When this all happened, I went through a number of different feelings. There was relief that we were both free from the stress that’d made us so unhappy at times, and that was pretty overwhelming at first, along with the relief that when we finally decided to end things, it wasn’t some ugly, drawn-out, Wagnerian thing. Then, there was guilt over feeling that relief, like I should be ashamed of myself to be relieved to be away from someone who was such a big part of my life for so long, and someone who I still care a great deal about. There was (and is) guilt over the fact that, since this happened, I haven’t cried over the end of the relationship. I’ve cried a couple of times since, both during and after seeing movies, but it was unrelated, as far as I can tell. I’ve certainly had moments of missing things about the person I was with. Our inside jokes, what it felt like to have them curled up on my shoulder, and watching them sleep stand out among those things right this second, though there are others. There have also been some feelings of happiness and pride. I feel happy that, at least as far as I can tell from the limited window I allow myself into their life, my ex seems like she’s happy and doing well. I hope that’s true, and I hope it stays true if it is. I’m also proud of her for being strong and working toward the life she wants to live at this time, even if I don’t always agree with her choices, and may not have been comfortable with joining her in that life when we were together. I feel some pride, too, for my own actions over the course of the relationship. I know that I screwed up a lot over the course of things, but I also am pretty sure that I improved on many of my past mistakes, and learned a lot about patience, perserverance and sticking things out when they’re tough. Some may beg to differ, I don’t know, but I really feel like, given where I was in life, who my partner was and what we were dealing with, I did the best that I could, and have nothing major to be ashamed of. Maybe that shouldn’t be a big thing, but it is to me.

Along with all of these things, though, perhaps the biggest thing and most present feeling I’ve had has been a feeling of “Well, what now?”. A lot of time and energy that I had directed toward the relationship simply isn’t directed there anymore, and there’s naturally a void in its place. I’ve been doing my best to keep busy, and there’s really no shortage of things I can keep busy with (mostly, it’s been heavy organizational stuff and cleaning), but socially, I’d say that I’m a bit lost. I’ve tried to give myself some time to recover from what I’ve been through and process it, and I’m pretty sure that I’ll need some more of that, but that shouldn’t keep me locked in the house, necessarily, and it often does. I’ll level with you all: I have no idea what a 35 year old, unemployed single guy who’s in the middle of a disability case, lives with family, doesn’t drink and doesn’t go to AA meetings does socially. I’m not even just talking about dating here, either. There’s been a shift in my life over the past decade away from local friendships, because of friends relocating, friends building families, friends losing touch and some friends not really being friends at all. I have some local friends, certainly, great ones in fact, but there’s that element of bonding that’s really scarce in my life. It’s not necessarily male bonding, either, as my recollections of times when that bonding was prominent are pretty much unisex. Maybe people just live different lives now, or maybe it’s just something that doesn’t happen outside of the realm of situations where people drink and use drugs, but I rarely if ever have days or nights when people sit around, listen to records, watch television, watch movies, play video games, eat, curse, joke, laugh and talk anymore, and it’s probably an even bigger void in my life than any that would be created by the lack of a love relationship. I wouldn’t know where to start on rebuilding it basically from scratch, either. Where does someone who doesn’t have much in the way of close family, has friends who have lives they’re very busy with and doesn’t have what we’ll refer to as “mandatory” social contact (school, work, etc. where you have to be in a group of people who start out as strangers for x hours a day) go to build up a group of “the guys”? (Again, we’re speaking unisex here, but you get the idea.) If you’re reading this and you’re a potential applicant for the group, please don’t hesitate to get in touch with me privately. As much as I like Canada and its indigenous peoples, the Canadian government doesn’t really want me living there, and it’d be kind of a pain in the ass to move to another country just so I have a social life, anyway.

Don’t get me wrong, the idea of dating is really kind of daunting, too. For one thing, my position in life at the moment has a huge amount of social stigma attached to it. It doesn’t and shouldn’t define who I am, but because of society’s attitudes toward certain things, it comes up. I don’t know if I’m addressing it more than I should, but I feel like I’m being deceptive if it isn’t talked about up front, and I also feel like there’s an important conversation to be had on a societal level about the prejudices people have toward folks in a certain financial position and toward folks who are going through certain things that can’t be quantified as easily as a physical disability can be. Beyond that rather big first hurdle, I do feel vulnerable in some ways, unwilling to compromise in others (mostly in that people who don’t make similar life choices to mine on the important things aren’t going to be the healthiest people for me to be around), and I do want to be careful and respectful of the feelings of anyone I may get involved with in the future. I don’t know if it’s the Zoloft talking, but I feel less heartache about being alone than I have in the past, but we’re also talking about less than two months here, whereas in the past, when I got just about to the end of my rope, I was unattached for over 3 years, so we’ll see how time tempers these feelings if this “being single” thing goes on for a while. I’ve heard some opinions over the past while or so that perhaps I shouldn’t be with anyone for a while, until I can learn to be comfortable with being alone, but then I ask myself if anyone’s ever really comfortable with being alone, or if they should be comfortable with it. To me, the most important part of life is sharing it, so to do otherwise feels a little defeatist to me. In addition, because of my sleep issues over the years, I’ve spent a lot more time alone than the average person does. You end up awake long into the night, and home on days when everyone else is out in the world when you live with what I do. Curiously, at least one of the people who’s expressed this opinion has been out with several people since they did, so I think there’s kind of a credibility gap there, too, but I won’t begrudge them that.

All of these thoughts make me wonder about rationalization, too, and of course it’s present, but I try to rationalize from as many perspectives as possible whenever possible, until I find a place that involves the shortest distance to what I believe to be the truth, after some rigorous fact-checking. Long story short, though, I don’t think I want to be alone for too long, but I do need to find the kind of person I can have a more relaxed, comfortable and safe relationship with, even if that doesn’t sound terribly romantic on paper. I know how “Romeo And Juliet” ends, after all. (She leaves him and joins Team Jacob! That strumpet!) So, that’s where I’m at on relationships.

My therapist, who seems exasperated with me of late, has basically been asking me “what I want” in recent sessions. What I wrote above is part of it, but I also have some decisions to make beyond that. I’m at sort of a crossroads, where I may need to decide whether I want to work toward “fixing” my various issues, or work toward learning how to have the best quality of life I can while the issues are still present. I could shoot for “all of the above”, but my energy is pretty seriously limited these days, so I’m not sure how that will work out, and I also think I need to start setting not necessarily defeatist goals, but certainly more realistic, reachable ones. I am known at least to myself, if not the world at large as someone who has big ideas, big plans, big goals, and big piles of unfinished things. I would like to finish some of the things I’ve started. I’m not sure how much gets done if I try to completely relearn how to live at my age while simultaneously adapting on the fly to whatever gets thrown at me in the meantime. It all seems like a big, messy construction project that never gets finished, thinking about that. Lately, I’ve just been doing whatever I have the energy to do, and to be frank, while I’m getting some things done because I focus my efforts more than I ever have, I’m pretty spent, all the time. I’m not sure what gets me not feeling like that. Winning my disability case might do it, but it might not. Sorting out my sleep issues, if that’s possible, may or may not do it. Doing nothing just puts me in a rut. So, plenty to think about there.

As for some of the other things I usually update you on:

Sleep: I’m sleeping a lot more than I was, sometimes 10-14 hours a day. It could be depression, it could be recovery from a high-stress situation or I could just be tired.

Meds: about the same. There are some discussions happening, as they usually do, about switching my medication, but I don’t think that’s prudent right now. Let me deal with that fun when the other things in my life settle into a more comfortable place, especially since there’s a chance that, if drug B doesn’t work, going back to drug A afterward may not give me the same relief I’m getting now.

Therapy: like I alluded to above, I think I’m wearing my therapist out. We’re down to a session every 2 weeks, and the “What do you want?” question kinda stuck with me after this past session, as did a remark that “I don’t do anything I don’t want to do” when I was discussing some difficulty I’ve had eating lately (see below) in the session prior to that one that I still haven’t received an apology for. I think everyone who reads this can agree that I do quite a lot that I don’t want to do, even if those things aren’t the same as the things that they don’t want to do but do anyway. So, it’s been a little tense lately.

The food thing: moreso than ever before, I’ve found that I’m having a hard time pulling myself away from whatever I’m doing to eat since probably around the time of the breakup. I fucking hate this. I know that it’s rooted in not wanting to disrupt whatever I’m in the middle of to go downstairs and cook (or go out and pick something up), and that it’s an OCD-ish trait, but it’s more pronounced than I’ve ever experienced and I’m really bothered by it. I like food. I like eating food. I like getting stuff done, too, but that shouldn’t mean that I starve myself (literally). We’re not talking days or anything really scary here, but we’re definitely talking about a few hours longer than I should be going, especially with my sleep problems, migraines, etc., and I need to be better about this. If any of you talk to me, ask me when I ate last. Thanks in advance for that.

Running: it’s walking right now, and I’m easing into it, because my legs still can’t take much of a beating. Plus, I have to get my life into a place where I can establish something of an exercise routine again, and that’s taking some doing. I am still determined to see the finish line in Central Park, but it’s taking some serious doing.

Disability case: saw their doctors recently. No news since then. I spend a lot of time with my fingers crossed, hoping that I’ll get approved without having to do the appeals dance yet again. Keep yours crossed for me, too, because the waiting and the uncertainty is probably a good chunk of my exhaustion of late.

Second Life: nothing doing, but Heck is still standing. Go visit it if you’re so inclined, the link’s in the sidebar.

Music: things both solo and with Get Precious are slow. Still have two tracks to finish on my album, “babykiller.” and some other miscellaneous tracks, but I have to square away my home studio situation before I do. GP are trying to figure out a lot of the same things, and trying to figure out when and where we’re playing next. (I’m not even thinking about solo gigs.) My music that I have posted here still gets a lot of downloads, though many of them may be from confused people in China and elsewhere. Hopefully, they enjoy the music while they’re confused and after they finish being confused, if they ever finish.

Writing: who knew that figuring out a villain’s background and motivation could be such a pain in the ass? That’s kind of where that’s at.

Higher education: still going back and forth on whether to take first steps toward finally going to college. I know that I want to, but I also know that my life is sort of in limbo right now, and that for some reason, people in certain admissions offices who have proven that they know how to use email haven’t figured out how to schedule admissions appointments without using a telephone. For someone whose interests and possible vocations are as 21st century as mine are, this bugs me a lot.

Money: still about where I was in the beginning of the summer. Learning how to manage things a little better. Feel more broke with money coming in than I did when it wasn’t, go figure. I do have a general practitioner now, too, so that part of the Scott Crawford Government Bailout Plan has kicked in. I’m still not in great shape, and I’m still waiting for the gummint to finally accept my disability claim, so I can still use any help you’re willing to contribute, but as I said last time, I am doing somewhat better.

Now that I’ve finished writing “War And Peace” once again, I turn the floor over to you. “What’s your opinion? We’d like to know.”

Total time: 1 hour and 7 minutes walking
Total mileage: 3.28 Miles
MPH: 2.94 MPH

Did my usual route, plus a lap around the lake in the park I train at. Challenging stuff that, very hilly, muddy in parts, lots of roots to trip over. Didn’t really feel like I was exerting myself until a little before I hit the halfway mark on the lake, around the 31 minute mark. Knee was no better or worse than usual. If it’s just going to be in exactly the same amount of pain when I work out for the rest of my life, I can learn to tune it out pretty easily. I’m not sold on that happening, but for now, it’s holding up fine.

Lost about .17 MPH today (I did 3.11 MPH on Wednesday), but it was also a longer walk, and definitely a more challenging one to boot. I probably won’t be able to do this particular course on rainy or colder days, because of the high chance of me slipping and falling on my ass, to put it mildly.

Soundtrack for today’s workout, presented again without skipping over anything shuffle play threw at me (I won’t do this every time I work out, but today, I’m inspired):

Pulp-Babies
Jane’s Addiction-My Time
The Bee Gees-More Than A Woman
Siouxsie And The Banshees-Sea Breezes
My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult-After The Flesh
Steve Martin And Bernadette Peters-Tonight You Belong To Me (from “The Jerk” soundtrack)
Fuck Buttons-Surf Solar
King Diamond-A Mansion In Darkness
Andrew W.K.-My Big, Black Cock Radio Station ID
His Name Is Alive-In My Dream / Sometimes Screw
Tegan & Sara-Arrow
Batz Without Flesh-Shine It Down
Richard Hackley-God’s Backhand
Eurythmics-No Fear, No Hate, No Pain (No Broken Hearts)
Wire-Feed Me
Echo & The Bunnymen-In The Margins
The Bee Gees-You Should Be Dancing
Threebrain-Weeeeee!

Onward to Monday.

6 months of free music! Crazy shit.

October:

something in my drink: 389
wolftab: 380
zenova: 260
sybil: 207
tonight: 198
love life and sign: 186
something true: 199
sybil inst: 179
puppet: 175
the scott crawford show: 169
something true (overnightscape): 168
ecstacy: 143
untitled: 142
chord: 138
sybil vers: 137
new song: 132

total:

zenova: 1662
sybil: 1530
wolftab: 1378
sybil inst: 1338
something in my drink: 1196
tonight: 1048
sybil vers: 994
puppet: 965
ecstacy: 923
untitled: 910
chord: 762
love life and sign: 755
the scott crawford show: 747
new song: 676
something true: 518
something true (overnightscape): 488

Fell *just* short of my goal of 500 plays/downloads for every track (12 short on the live “Something True”, but I’m 18 ahead on the studio one, so that must mean something, right?), but traffic’s been steady, and songs that didn’t do well in other months did well in this one. In total, even if plenty of them are bot hits (and I’m sure they are), there’ve been over 15,000 attempts to access the songs I have on my web site in 6 months. If you’re one of the humans or even one of the bots who’ve done so, I’d love an email telling me who you are, what you thought of the music, or whatever you’d like to tell me.

Donations are still very quiet since the initial batch of ‘em, but again, this is about giving back to music, not just about taking from the people who listen to it. I have the resources, limited though mine are in general, to do this, so I’m doing it. I did put together a list of all of my donors to date, and that will be added to the liner notes for “babykiller.” once I finish rebuilding my studio setup and do the last 2 songs. That’s still a little ways off in terms of both time and money, but it’s coming.

Thank you for another month of your continued interest and support, and by all means, even if you can’t or won’t donate (the button’s right below this paragraph), please add my page on Facebook, as well as the page for my other band Get Precious. It’ll make us HWET.

Total time: 45 minutes walking

Total mileage: 2.33 miles

Not too bad, really I’m already just barely under a 20 minute mile, despite not having really gotten off my ass to do much of anything in 3 1/2 months. Left leg bugged me most of the way, in the usual ways. I’m thinking that I’m going to try and tough it out through all that, as long as nothing gets sharply worse. I know what pain I’m working with here. Not getting better, but not getting worse, I don’t think.

What my iPod played while I was walking and had it on shuffle play, without skipping over any tracks or otherwise gaming it:

Wildchild-Renegade Master
Quiet Riot-Let’s Get Crazy
Ultra Vivid Scene-Mercy Seat
Ray Noble And His Orchestra-Midnight, the Stars and You (Ending music from “The Shining”, if you’re not familiar.)
Marilyn Manson-Leave A Scar
Bee Gees-Jive Talkin’
Katy Perry-I Kissed A Girl
Eric Weissberg & Steve Mandell-Duelling Banjos (from “Deliverance”)
Johnny Thunders-(You Can’t Put Your Arms Around A) Memory
Celebration-Diamonds
Dalbello-Animal
Charles Bronson-Phil Anselmo’s Pain Burns In The Heart Of My Little Brother
Julio Iglesias-Moonlight Lady
Devin Townsend Project-Bend It Like Bender

Man, was Julio some uplifting shit on the home stretch.

We’ll try this again on Friday, bullshit permitting.

As I signed off from our Marathon coverage earlier today, we had a few runners out in the field that we didn’t have times for. Here’s what we’ve got now:

Kelly snuck in under 5 hours at 4:56:09. Jill, who may have run into trouble around the 15th mile, as she doesn’t have a 25K time, just a 15 mile and then the finish (I’ll see what I hear; could just be a chip malfunction or something) finished at 5:31:16. Hopefully she got through OK. I talked to Jill Sunday night, and she had “her worst marathon time but the most fun she’s had doing a marathon”, and says she was especially strong on the 59th Street Bridge. She doesn’t know what was up with Athlete Tracker either.

Brian Boyle had a nice strong 4:11:15, which means he finished right after NBC left the air. Keith Zeier did 6:20:52, but that was with 50 pounds of gear on his back! There are no listed times for John Tartaglio, but that might be a policy thing or somesuch, and I’m sure he did OK out there. Godspeed to him. We’ve got a time of 15 hours and 59 minutes from John Tartaglio, which makes him, in his own words (thanks for commenting, John) “the 1st bilateral hip disarticulate in history to run and complete a marathon”! Awesome.

There were 2 Edward Nortons listed on the Athlete Tracker. 1 didn’t have any times, and the other finished at a nice 3:48:01, so let’s hope Dr. Banner did the latter, which is likely because they did mention him at the finish line before the broadcast ended.

You all did great work out there. Be proud of it!

Quick links:

Marathon web site | Watch Live In U.S.
(3 feeds! Main Feed, Elite Mens’ Pack, Elite Womens’ Pack)
Elite Men Bios | Elite Women Bios | Elite Wheeler Bios
My Quick n’ Dirty Pre-Game Analysis

8:55 AM: It’s that time again, folks. “Meet The Press” is wrapping up, and the quick-and-dirty links are posted above. The race coverage will be starting in about 5 minutes (alas, I slept through the pre-race coverage at Ft. Wadsworth, where them G.I. Joe fellers used to live, but I’ve got a long sports day ahead of me, so I needed it), so if you’re familiar, pull up a chair, grab your favorite refreshments, and get ready for some great stories of the triumph of the human spirit, mixed with my random, idiotic comments. RUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!11111

9:06 AM: We’re on the air, folks, though the wheelers and handcycle racers have been on the course for a while now. Elite women start in 4 minutes, the temperature on the course is 52 degrees, and and hey, Anthony Edwards is running! “This is gonna be a great year. HUH! HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH!”

9:12 AM: Elite women being announced now, to the tune of the “Requiem For A Dream” music…something ain’t right about that. Selina Kosgei, this year’s Boston winner, looks like she’s in great spirits. Time for the gun. And RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!111111111

9:15 AM: Can these commentators stop treating Radcliffe like she’s the Yankees? Totally selling the other competitors short by making this The Paula Show. Getting my first look at Ludmila Petrova. She actually looks like she’s put on a little weight since last year, when she took 2nd. I wonder how it’ll affect her.

9:23 AM: Pat LaFontaine’s running the marathon…on ICE SKATES! OK, not really. Dan Jansen running as well, also on skates. Ladies are just about off the bridge.

9:32 AM: The women are in Brooklyn now. The elite pack has actually split in half already, which is kinda interesting, and I wonder if it’ll stick. Finally, they mention the wheelers at the half-hour mark, just about. Nice video package for Kurt Fearnley and Amanda McGrory, though.

9:35 AM: Ooh, a fall, Kosgei and Yuri Kano got tangled up. They got themselves back in the race, but it sucks to see that happen, especially this early. About 3 minutes away from the elite men and the masses being let loose.

9:43 AM: The masses are queueing up, and we’ve got the elite mens’ intros. “Hell’s Bells” for the men. What the shit? Meb looks limber and determined. Ryan Hall looks nervous. Gomes dos Santos looks a little skinny. Talking to Abdi Abdirahman instead of the reigning champion. What, no translator on staff, guys? Here comes the gun…and…

RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
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UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!111111111

9:55 AM: 5 Borough Challenge time, all working moms! I wonder if any of ‘em are single. Back to the women, Yuri Kano’s 30 seconds back, what a shame. Kosgei’s still in it, though. Petrova looks strong, and Paula looks like…Paula. Men coming off the bridge, Ramaala’s up there, with Gomes dos Santos and Bouramdane, the Moroccan, are leading. Pack tightened up a little bit as they went onto 4th Ave., and Makau’s jumped out in front. Could be a lot of lead changes.

10 AM: The one bad thing about the timing of this race: it’s often the last Sunday before Election Day in the US, so we get bombarded by shitty political commercials. Whoa, Fearnley and Schabort are down to the wire at the finish, HUGE finish, Fearnley by a FOOT. If only they’d given this part of the race more than 3 minutes, we’d have seen something epic.

10:03 AM: Bouramdane with a lead of about 5 seconds, as the 2nd wave leaves from the bridge!

RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
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UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!111111111

10:09 AM: Women at the 10 mile mark. Petrova laboring a bit, but still exactly where she’s been. Men on mile 4, Bouramdane still exactly where he is.

10:16 AM: The men (17 in the lead pack) closed the distance on Bouramdane at mile 5. Makau’s back in front. Commentators getting all nationalist on us. Pace quickening, 4:52 on mile 5, onto mile 6 now (duh). The word on the street is that Brooklyn slept in because of Halloween, fewer people on the sidelines this year. Women are doing about what they were, at mile 11.

10:23 AM: Womens’ pack down to 5 now at mile 12, Magdalena Lewy Boulet is about 8 seconds behind now. Some talk about Kosgei’s knee, possibly bleeding from the fall. Mens’ pack has fallen behind Bouramdane again, but I think they’re giving him enough rope, so to speak. Mile 7 there. Commentators again getting all nationalist on us, “I want to see the blonde haired, blue eyed white guy win!”, ugh.

10:30 AM: Women at the halfway mark, 70 or 80 meters behind their 2008 pace. I miss Gete Wami and Jelena Prokopcuka (Jelena’s preggers! Congrats to her!).

10:35 AM: Oh, burn. Al Trautwig just dissed Queens. Women in mile 15 now. Radcliffe, Petrova, France’s Christelle Daunay, Kosgei and Derartu Tulu from Ethiopia still in that pack. The ladies are heading onto the 59th Street Bridge, so shit may bust wide open soon.

10:40 AM: Kosgei’s starting to fade a little, and Daunay has finally pushed ahead of Radcliffe for a second. Men on mile 11 in a tighter pack, still a pretty full pack (13 runners), too. Meb’s leading right now. Makau is out of it. Not sure who else fell off yet, looking into it. Bouramdane is sprinting again, that sick bastard.

10:42 AM: Women on 1st Avenue!

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Daunay, Tulu, Petrova, Radcliffe and Kosgei has caught back up.

10:46 AM: Radcliffe and Petrova reining in Daunay and Tulu. Mile 16 for them, mile 12 for the men, where Bouramdane is being a big pain in the ass! Anthony Edwards is doin’ alright. Go, Gilbert!

10:56 AM: Women are a mile and a half from the Bronx, same 5 as we’ve had for a good stretch. Men turning onto the 59th Street Bridge. They must’ve made time while I was making coffee. =)

11:03 AM: Gomes dos Santos is off the pack a little bit. Commentators still laying on this USA stuff. Bouramdane STILL a pain in the ass. The guys about to turn onto 1st Ave.

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11:11 AM: Ramaala doing his usual burst on 1st, lead group of 10 right now. Abdirahman is the rabbit at the moment. 17 miles done for them. Women are a pack of 4, approaching the Madison Ave. Bridge, Radcliffe, Petrova, Daunay and Tulu heading back into Manhattan.

11:12 AM: Where the hell is the womens’ wheeler coverage? Inexcusable.

11:16 AM: Pack of 6 for the men now. Kwambai, Bouramdane, Cheruiyot, Ramaala, Meb, and now Kipkoech is falling off the pack. Women still a pack of 4, commentators don’t think Radcliffe’s in great shape, though to me, she looks like her usual self, so I’m wondering what they’re seeing. Insights, anyone?

11:20 AM: I don’t think I’ve seen Petrova differ in her pace much at all, she had that little bit of a rough patch an hour ago, but otherwise, she has been a machine. Mile 22 for the women, still 4 of them out in front.

11:22 AM: Men on mile 19, Willis Ave. Bridge, Cheruiyot and Kwambai are leading. Meb and Bouramdane in there still, Kipkoech and Gharib just back of those guys. Radcliffe falling back a bit, Petrova looking DETERMINED now.

11:24 AM: Just an aside, as we hit the home stretch for the pros: I love this race.

11:27 AM: Men on mile 20, no change in the top 4 guys, women are settling into a pack of 3 with Radcliffe really lagging now as they get to Central Park. I really like Petrova’s chances here, but Daunay and Tulu are close still and none of them look tired at mile 24. Oh, this is gonna be a good finish.

11:33 AM: “We’re back at the ING New York Marathon, and you are looking at Paula Radcliffe’s ass.” Sorry, that’s just the camera angle they gave us. Daunay is falling behind, so it’s Petrova and Tulu now. Radcliffe settling into 4th place, she’d need a miracle to come back. Meb’s leading at mile 22! Kwambai’s in 2nd, Bouramdane is finally falling off the pace, and Cheruiyot is behind him now, but he might have something up his sleeve. Ha, there he goes! it’s Meb and Cheruiyot! Radcliffe working on catching Daunay now for 3rd.

11:36 AM: Women in the last mile! Petrova and Tulu still there, maybe a yard between them. Man, I would not wanna be in Petrova’s way right now. She looks like she’s going to kick the shit out of anyone in her path.

11:3 AM: Tulu pushing Petrova now! Neck and neck! They’re turning into the park! Tulu just stretched it out! This is OVER if Petrova doesnt pull a miracle out of her ass. Here comes the finish! 200 yards to go!

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Tulu all the way now, looking totally in control! 2:28:52! Petrova 2:28:59! Petrova 2:29:15, and Radcliffe about 2:29:30! Congrats to all! Radcliffe damn near collapsed at the finish, something’s definitely wrong there.

Back to the men at mile 24, and it’s Meb in the lead! Cheruiyot 6 seconds behind, and Meb looks great. Cheruiyot putting a little mustard on it, but still not there. This would be one HELL of a comeback for Meb, who’s been through hell since we saw him in New York last. 8 seconds now! Cheruiyot looks like he’s struggling, but we’ve got a downhill coming up! Meb’s got almost 10 seconds now. This is an incredible turnaround for Meb, whose last NYC finish was 20th in 2006. 25 miles now! Crowd (predictably) going nuts because we’ve got a US citizen in position to maybe win this one. Cheruiyot is actually picking up his pace a little bit, but I think it’s too little, too late! Meb on Central Park South! Let’s see if Cheruiyot has anything left in the tank! Meb actually speeding up! Turning into the park! A half mile to go! Cheruiyot is toast! This is an incredibly convincing win about to happen here, folks!

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Meb Keflezighi! 2:09:14! And he does a pushup at the finish line! Cheruiyot finishes at 2:09:56! Great races by both, but for Meb, an incredible comeback! Gharib at 2:10:25! Ryan Hall finishes in 4th at 2:10:44. Congrats to all!

12:03 PM: And now, the rest of us. We’ve still got the 5 Borough Challenge, and maybe some word on the womens’ wheelers, the cops vs. firemen, and all the stories of the regular folks and celebrities who’ve taken this on. Just checked the marathon site, and Edith Hunkeler won the womens’ wheeler race, not that we’ve heard anything about it on NBC. Bad form, guys, but congrats to Edith, who won her 5th NYC Marathon today!

12:13 PM: A few friends and friends of friends in the race: my friend Jill is in there, and so is my sister’s co-worker Kelly. Kelly’s in the lead there, according to the marathon site, hitting the 10k mark at just over 1:07, with Jill at 1:09. Keep running, ladies, and good luck to you!

Deena Kastor is talking to Anthony Edwards, who looks like he’s hangin’ in there pretty good, too. Joan Benoit Samuelson is putting together a pretty good time at 52, has a shot at the 50+ womens’ record time.

12:23 PM: Awards ceremony time! The ladies look awesome. The masses are just about to start hitting the finish line, as the commentators talk to Meb. Classy guy, very respectful of his opponent down the stretch, and he mentioned the late Ryan Shay, who passed away during the Olympic Trials 2 years ago. Again, congrats to him.

12:33 PM: Joan Benoit Samuelson finishes at 2:49:09 (corrected time, network had it wrong at first), new 50+ record! John Tartaglio interviewed, double amputee running the race. Amazing stuff. I need to stop bitching about my legs and get out there next year.

12:46 PM: An update on the folks we’re tracking on the course: according to the Athlete Tracker (which is getting hammered as usual), Kelly’s 2 minutes and 30 seconds ahead of Jill at the 15K mark, and Anthony Edwards is at the 25K mark at 2:16:31. If you know someone in the race who you’d like us to give you an update on, suck@mybigblackcock.com and we’ll look into it for you! (Please specify whether you want last name, bib number, etc. posted here or not, as some folks get squeamish about this site).

12:50 PM: Jeff Schulman lost 230 pounds in 3 1/2 years, and he’s out on the course! Good for him!

1 PM: Athlete Tracker getting killed, but we’re gonna try and get numbers on everyone we’ve mentioned since the pro races finished. Ahhh, there we go. Jeff Schulman was at 2:15:43 at 25K, just ahead of Anthony Edwards! John Tartaglio’s not registering any times just yet, but he’s out there and in all likelihood, he’ll finish. That’s the important part.

1:03 PM: Interviews with the wheeler champions, finally. Seriously, NBC, plenty of us who watch the marathon care about that part of the race. Don’t skimp on it! On a somewhat related note, I’m LOVING Kurt Fearnley’s mustache.

1:15 PM: Kelly’s got 3 minutes on Jill at the halfway mark! Keep it up, ladies, it gets shorter from here! Keith Zeier’s running for the Special Operations Warrior Foundation with 50 pounds of gear in his backpack, raising money for the families of fallen soldiers, even after a pretty serious set of injuries from an explosion! Keith’s at 3:27:55 at the 25K mark. Kelly’s at 2:43:40 at mile 14.

1:20 PM: Special mention goes to the girl (damn it, I missed her name) who ran the race dressed at Winnie The Pooh. Very stylish!

1:35 PM: Jill hit mile 14 at 2:48:42, keep it up! Emigdin Flores, one of the youngest people on the course, is the first graduate from NYRR’s youth program to run the race. He started the program obese, and was kicking ass when I saw him! He finished at 3:20:42! Kelly hit 25K at 3:01:01, and Jill’s at mile 15 at 3:02:12!

1:45 PM: Ha, a dude in a viking outfit. Funny stuff. Brian Boyle’s another guy who’s come back from a major injury, surgeries, a coma, and so forth! Looks great out there, he’s at 2:16:07 through 25K. We also saw Diane Petruzzelli, who I believe is a fellow JSRC member, finish sub-3:00, lookin’ great! 2:53:03 for her! Jeff Schulman’s across the line, with a sub-4 time of 3:54:31! Awesome work! 5 Borough Challenge is wrapping up, and our winner is Allyson Hentel-Koplan from Manhattan!’

1:50 PM: Wow, it’s the High Five Guy! He’s high-fived over 20,000 people during the race! Man, his hand must hurt.

1:58 PM: Just about to wrap it up here. Mayor’s Cup is won by the fire department this year. Still a lot of running to do out there, plenty of folks to clear the line as we cross the 4 hour mark, but they’ll get there. On the pro side, it was a very competitive race, really enjoyable to watch as pure sport. On the coverage end of things, I’d really like to see NBC do a better job covering the wheelers next year, and hopefully this sentiment is shared by other folks who won’t get pooh-poohed because they have a dirty domain name.

One last check of the Athlete Tracker has Anthony Edwards finishing at 4:08:20 and there he is on camera, just as I was checking in! Ed Norton’s out there somewhere too. Hopefully, he doesn’t turn into the Hulk on anyone. We’ll update with finishing times later today or tomorrow on the rest of the people we’re following! Still waiting on Jill, Kelly, John, Brian and Keith. Keep up the good work, folks!

All the best to you folks who are still out there, and hopefully, I’ll be out there with you next year, on what would be the 10th year I’ve followed the race otherwise.

One more, for the people at home:

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I want three things in life right now: the ability to finish something, anything, that I’ve started, a big fucking pile of money and someone who gives good backrubs without giving me grief.