Weeks 41-43: Me 2, Fear 4
Current Score: Me 37, Fear 23

Shit. Let’s see if I can even remember all of what I should’ve been afraid of but wasn’t, what I have been afraid of, and of that, what I’ve managed to overcome since last I wrote.

• Recently, my stomach problems (I either have acid reflux syndrome or an ulcer, more likely the former) led me to a point where, when I woke up in the morning, my saliva was streaked with blood. Bottom line, kids: caffeine, sugar and chocolate are not on my menu for a while, at least not to the degree that I was allowing them in. I’ve reined it in a bit, and I’m feeling better. No blood. When I find my next doctor (I’m between them at the moment), I’ll mention this to them, and see whether they think it’s worth attending to. Last doctor was basically like “Fuck it, if Zantac works, go with that”, but I’m not really feeling that. Hard to find a doctor you can trust nowadays. But yeah, waking up and spitting up blood? Scary. I’m dealing with it to a degree, but probably not to the degree I should be. Let’s put this in the minus column.
• Aside from myself, I’ve been worried for a bunch of other people in my life and on the periphery of it who are not in the best of health at the moment. I’m trying to be strong for them, and I think I’m doing OK there, but it ain’t easy. Never is. Plus column for now, though.
• I’ve had a great deal of money-related anxiety lately, but not the kind we’ve covered ad nauseum here before. You see, for about a minute, I actually had the illusion of having money. That’s fucking scarier than not having any. You know what you’re working with, when you’re working with nothing. When you have a little, especially when you’re an overthinker like I am, the gut reaction is to try and make every cent, even the ones you’re royally pissing away, count and last and mean something. They all have to blaze with the power of a million exploding blowjobs, to steal from two or three writers whose work I enjoy. Frankly, it’s impossible to do that nowadays, or damned close anyway. I’m coming back to Earth now, but for a few weeks there, I was insufferable and I apologize to anyone I talked to during that time. Total minus column, but a learning experience, hopefully.
• Some crazy cocksucker damn near killed me and several other people on the road the other day. Speeding until he almost hit me, swerving all over the road, just a mess. I got the hell away from him, and called 911 to report him. No idea if anyone stopped or even found him (he turned onto another road right before I was able to pull over and call), but hopefully he didn’t end up hurting someone else or even himself. I had to retype this story a few times, just to keep the amount of personally identifying information to a bare minimum, but if you’re the dude who was behind me, freaking me out and you’ve somehow found this site, be more careful! Sorry if you got into any trouble you didn’t want to be in, but you were doing some fucked up shit, man. Try not to kill me for calling the fuzz on you, thanks. The other day was scary enough. So let’s see, I lived, didn’t panic on the road, did what a responsible driver should do, and even left an open letter on my web site asking my mysterious antagonist not to take any of his self-created trouble out on me. Let’s put this one in the plus column.
• The fourth quarter of the year scares the hell out of me. One minute, it’s September 15th, and the next, you’re making plans for January. Some say that time always moves that quickly, but I’d argue that you get put through the ringer worse in Q4 because of the holidays, the end of year business and so forth. I can’t slow down time, but I really do want to make a concerted effort to choose how I spend said time more carefully in the 4th quarter of next year. Already experimenting with it on this year, but it’s, of course, hit and miss without a plan, and I still have whiplash. Minus column.
• I’ve been thinking a lot lately about starting work on music again in January (See? This year’s fucked!) and even talking to people about it here and there, but I watched Who Is Harry Nilsson (And Why Is Everybody Talkin’ About Him?) (official site here, but I figure you guys are more likely to actually watch this if I spoonfeed you an instant Netflix link) the other night and frankly, making music, even if I don’t do it in the music business per se, scares the living hell out of me right now. Don’t get me wrong, the film is utterly fantastic, but it reminded me that even the process of creating music that brings joy to ourselves and others can be fucking heartbreaking and soul-destroying. Right now, I’m scared of it. A few months ago, watching Meat Loaf do it in front of a crowd, it seemed like fun. Now maybe that’s because Meat Loaf’s more of a fun guy than Harry Nilsson was, but the anecdotes don’t exactly line up and tell that story. Meat Loaf’s also had more than his share of heartache over the course of his career, so him having fun now (or at least portraying a guy who is on stage) may just be a testament to the fact that he’s survived, or one to the fact that music itself can be fun, but the business sucks. I’ve run into more than my share of situations where things sucked before we even got to the business end of it all, though, so like I said, I need to tread lightly. Minus column with this, but down the road, in the overall mental health picture, I may end up calling this a plus.

I think that’s all I’ve got for now. If I think of more, I’ll add it at some point in the next 9 weeks.

Maybe 3 or 4 minutes running, the rest walking.

Total time: 54 minutes
Total mileage: 2.8 miles

Overdid it out of the gate. I was gassed by the time I made it to the half mile mark. Recovered from that, and then my knee started mildly barking at me about 3/10 of a mile before the turnaround point. Having already lost Monday to an unexpected 2 mile walk on Saturday that killed my left leg dead, I decided to play it safe and head home. Felt good on the way home, mile dull knee pain aside.

Onward to Friday.

Same route, slightly less jogging.

Total Time: 1 hour, 4 minutes (shaved a minute off by not jogging, ha!)
Total mileage: 3.4 miles (I Googled it)

Still sore from Wednesday, though not “something’s wrong” sore. Breathing was better for the first half, though I got a little gassed and overheated on the home stretch. Still, not bad.

Onward to Monday and probably the same workout. I want to pwn this distance before adding more.

This Week: Me 0, Fear 0
Current Score: Me 35, Fear 19

Nothing new to report, still. Same old money/time/stuff/legacy thoughts, mostly reined in with an exception for a minor braindump on last Thursday.

Onward to next week. This weekend should be interesting. I’ll talk about it soon.

OK, enough fucking around. Back to work!

First off, scrapped the gym. Great facility, but the distance between my house and the gym created a mental transaction that didn’t need to be there, and I’ve also been travelling too much to keep up a steady regimen. I was getting financial aid from the Y to be there, too, so I feel better knowing that the aid will go to a kid who needs it and will use it.

Didn’t keep track of how much I walked and how much I jogged today. I didn’t jog a lot, truthfully. I did get my ass moving, though, and I kept it moving, because these 30 minute workouts really weren’t cutting it.

Total time: 1 hour and 5 minutes
Total mileage: 3.4 miles (I Googled it)

I literally pulled a Robert Frost today, taking the right end of the fork in the road for the first time in 2 1/2 years. Worthwhile, as it took me way out into the furthest part of the park I work out in for the first time. I got a good, mostly pain-free workout and my breathing didn’t suck.

Good to be back. Gonna shoot for another round on Friday. Yell at me if it doesn’t happen.