Contrary to earlier reports that I was going to, I haven’t registered for the marathon yet. I also don’t really have the $200 laying around to do it, if I do in fact get selected (it’s a lottery; I missed the cut last year), because I went through a really undisciplined few months financially. Compulsive spending is a helluva drug, and it’s something I’m wrestling with mightily at the moment.

I’m not telling you guys this in the interest of getting a single red cent from you, and chances are, I’d send back any money directed to me for marathon entry, just because I haven’t earned it by training steady or behaving with responsibility or, in this case, integrity. I procrastinated on signing up for the lottery, despite my word otherwise, and now it’s basically too late to do much about it because my financial situation isn’t strong enough to pay someone $200 to let me run 26.2 miles. In the interest of full disclosure, without beating myself up too much (really, I’m not), I’m telling you all what’s up so that you don’t think I’ve just given up or that I’m not keeping my word. If lottery day came and went and you didn’t see any news about my status for the ’11 marathon after my years-long determination to get myself in there, that’d look fishy to me, as a reader, especially one who’s been let so far in on the workings of things where I’m concerned.

I feel kinda like I’ve let myself down here and let you folks down, and I’m sorry for that, but I’d be even sorrier if I lied or just skulked off with nary a word on the subject. There’s a lot of people that I want to run this thing for, starting with me, continuing on to George and Deb and even Meb, who I’ve talked with a little on Twitter recently. I actually feel physically great, if out of shape, so I’ll be getting back to running possibly as soon as this week, but I’m not so sure about New York this year, just because I kinda screwed my finances in a way that’d make it tough without help that could go to any number of far more worthy causes at the moment.

So, that’s kind of where I’m at.

So, a couple of days ago, as I was cleaning out an old directory, I came across some of my music, and for the hell of it, I put it on and listened to it.

Some of it’s still very much “me”.

Some of it sounds like a Polaroid of me taken in 1990-something.

I don’t know that I’d want to still do that stuff 5-10 years from now, or maybe not even now, just because it’s not at all who I am anymore, and I’d feel like I was doing “Head Like A Hole” or something else that’s been rendered totally irrelevant in the present day by the passage of time and the number of times I’ve heard it. I don’t care if I get hit with They Changed It, Now It Sucks. I’m not going to do anything that I feel is a drag anymore. I’m not doing anyone any justice if I’m not enjoying myself. I can do difficult things, but I can’t do things that make me unhappy or disinterested, or that make me feel dishonest.

At the same time, I don’t want to do shitty adult contemporary music like everyone does at about minute 51 of their “Behind The Music”, despite one prediction years ago that I’d go in that particular direction.

I don’t really know what I want to do.

I love music, I love singing, I love composing, I’m not that big on playing instruments live (never have been, just not disciplined or interested enough), but I’m still sort of in limbo. I’ve been mostly incommunicado about things with the couple of people interested in making music with me, mostly because I don’t have any news or answers for them, and probably won’t for a while longer until I can set things up so I feel comfortable actually playing and making music somewhere.

I’m not sure what I’m trying to say here, really.

I was just struck by how different a person I am than the person who wrote and recorded those songs.

It’s been an interesting 5 years, since I recorded the last of what you’ve all heard of mine.