I’m lost, I’m tired and I’m broke. I’m far from giving up but I’m not even sure what I’m trying to succeed at doing. I’m simultaneously amazed and encouraged by the future happening before our eyes and totally horrified by actions and ideals of the cruel, ruthless bastards seeking to destroy it. I’m lonely, but I don’t know how to begin to explain who I am and what I’m about to new people, and I almost never meet people who I don’t have to explain it to. Really, I don’t have the energy to explain it. I also don’t actually know who I am and what I’m about anymore. I keep trying to figure out what the best use of my time, energy and imagination is, and keep falling well short of it. I don’t forget that being alive, and being able to sit in a relatively comfortable chair, in a quiet, relatively safe house with modern conveniences while I type this out makes me very fortunate, but I also feel like I could be doing much more, and don’t have very much peace of mind about what’s come before this moment or what the remaining moments of my life, however many there’ll be, will hold for me. I have been sober for 14 years and two days as of right now, but I still feel that need to numb myself from the pain and exasperation of day-to-day life all the time. I recognize it for what it is (a fairly common gut reaction to mental, physical and emotional stress) and never give into it, but I do still get nagged by it all the damn time. I sleep sometimes, not because I’m tired, but just because I don’t know what else to do.