I may have written about this one before, but it came up again on Friday of this past week. I was thinking of doing something, and held off because, if I did, I’d have to walk downstairs past people, and probably explain what I was doing before I did it. What I was going to do wouldn’t have been a problem for the people at all, so there was no problem there. Explaining myself, though, even though it was just making conversation? That would’ve been a huge, ugly pain in the ass in my rat’s nest of a head, even if it would’ve been maybe a minute’s worth of conversation. Hate that. Sometimes, I need to just do things rather than making announcements about them, and I haven’t mastered that yet. So, fear got me this week (last week was totally uneventful), but I’ll try harder next week to get past it.

Did about a mile and a quarter in 24 minutes.

Pretty lackluster, but fuck it, I got myself moving again.

Onward to whenever I feel like running again, hopefully very soon.

In other news, thinking of dropping the gym. It’s nice and all, but I’m travelling too much and sleeping too oddly to establish a routine, it’s an added cost when I can’t afford many, it’s a mental transaction because it’s a 15 minute car ride rather then “OK, I’m running” and going out the door, and it’s being subsidized by people who could use that subsidy to pay for someone who’d make it in there more, particularly a kid. There’s a few gyms closer to my place. If I decide I really need a gym, I’ll go talk to ‘em.

Got a flat tire on Saturday. Rode over a nail, just like in the cartoons. That’s always kinda stressful, but AAA made the best time they’ve ever made on a roadside assistance call (Thanks, Dave!), and since I needed to get the spare out of the trunk, I used the opportunity to sort out and get rid of a bunch of crap that was in my trunk, something I may have been putting off for years.

My sleep was royally, royally fucked up this weekend (it’s been that way a lot recently, after a month and a half of it being legitimately great in the spring), and while I was afraid that I would hear a lot of grief about it from the person I was staying with, it turns out that they were OK with it after all, and had no intentions of throwing tantrums, making me drive when I wasn’t awake enough to do so, or doing anything else to make my rather serious physical, mental and emotional health issue about them. I’m going to take a second to say “thank you” now, and then we’ll get to just how loaded that last sentence was.

Unfortunately, this is kind of how I’ve let myself spend most of the past decade being treated by people. That’s kind of a weird thing and a huge admission to see typed in front of me right now, because in print, it looks like the words of someone who’s been the victim of abuse. Hopefully my writing this does not cause any of the people who may have treated me like this (because, quite honestly, it’s not any one person who treated me this way; it was actually a few, thinking about it, and I don’t think there was any real malice behind most of it, just a lack of understanding of my own problems and theirs…still fucking sucked, though!) to get all crazy on me yet again, but if it does? Fuck it. I’ve handled it before, and I can handle it better now, because I’m well-rested today and I’ve got the benefit of perspective. So, while I’d truly appreciate it if no one behaved ridiculously in my direction over what I’ve just written, I’m not really afraid of it anymore, and I’m not going to tiptoe around how I feel or what I’ve experienced on this front, either. (When have I *ever* done that, aside from this? I can’t even begin to explain how it makes me feel to know that I have.)

Folks, if you haven’t gotten it already from reading a decade and a half of my shit or from knowing me for however long you have, people with sleep problems have very real, very serious health problems that can’t just be Red Bulled or Xanaxed to death in order to keep the party going. Be decent and compassionate to us, please.

Huge admission and public service announcement aside, we’re done for this week. See you next time, boys and girls!

Remember when I mentioned that my electric razor was shot a few weeks ago? Well, it literally got to the point where I was afraid to use it. Yes, a household grooming appliance caused me fear. So, this past weekend, even though I couldn’t really afford to do it (things are still very tight over here), I bought this. I confronted worn-out appliances and financial worries in one shot, folks. The reviews on Amazon are lukewarm, but for me, at least for now, it’s night-and-day from my previous shaver.

Talked a little about getting things in order over here at the end of last week’s edition, and that’s coming along, with no real anxiety tied to it. Not a lot to report, though.

More next week. Only 21 more weeks to go! (Christ.)

Weeks 29-30: Me 2, Fear 0
Current Score: Me 32, Fear 15

If it’s any consolation to those of you still expecting weekly updates, I’ve been slacking largely because there haven’t been any new fears. When I’m confronted by scary these days, I generally shift rather quickly into “OK, how do I deal with this?” mode, and then I just do the best I can from there.

The wedding wasn’t easy, just on sheer sleep fuckery combined with early hours, but I got through it, as did my date.

I’ve actually been wrestling with huge, existential things for a long time, that whole “eventually, I’m going to die, and I have no idea what will happen to my things, whether my affairs will be in order, how my loved ones will deal, how I’ll be remembered and what impact I’ll leave behind” train of thought. I’m not entirely sure if I’ve gotten into that on here, which is surprising because it’s sort of huge. Again, doing the best I can there, but a very specific part of this train of thought that’s been stumping me has to do with one’s legacy, vain as that is. Not just mine, but everyone’s. How do we put our big, complicated, messy lives into a context that entry-level users can understand and navigate easily? We’re talking everything from deep thoughts to pictures, video and sound, to recipes for pot roast. I may have the early answers to this brewing. Of course, it could just be that I blew another $10 on a domain registration I’ll do nothing with, but hey, it’s a start, and I have options. Hopefully, I’ll figure out how to make it so that we all do. If this is all kind of vague, apologies, but the process behind all of this is just starting, and very new to me. At the very least, I vainly feel like I’ve gotten a foot in the door on this huge, universal kind of fear, so I’m going to finally put one in the plus column here.

Looking ahead to the rest of this week, I’ve kind of let my entire life slide for a little while (yes, even before the fucking World of Warcraft), so the mission is to get things back on track without freaking out. Wish me luck!