Dear United States Of America,

Do you see this picture? This is what we do to fucking Nazis. We don’t let them patrol the streets of our towns. We don’t call them a “civil rights group”. And we sure as shit don’t let them poison peoples’ minds by giving their TV network ratings and ad money.

Now, mind you, I’m aware that the company who owns the rights to the character punching Hitler in this picture don’t exactly tow the truth and justice line themselves. They royally screwed the guy who created Captain America for decades before Disney bought them, and it won’t get any better now that Disney does own them. But still, we all used to at least bullshit ourselves into thinking that right and wrong actually meant something. How about we all put a little effort into taking “right and wrong” back from the shit-shovellers in the propaganda division, the corporations and the government?

Just a thought.
-S

Dear Burger King,

Please stop embarrassing yourselves.

Love,
Scott

They’ve been on this downhill slalom of stupidity ever since the company went private again (Full disclosure: former shareholder here). Prices have skyrocketed, and they have this frat boy at a Lilith Fair mentality where they think that if they pretend to be sensitive, they’ll score with chicks.

Guys, wake up. Burger King is like the Rush of fast food. Not all women hate them, but there’s a special breed of women that like them and you’re stuck with (blessed with, in my opinion) those women.

If Burger King wants to make a comeback, I can think of a few ways they could do it. Open letter to anyone working for BK on Todd’s friends list (you never know):

1. Roll back the prices. There’s no excuse whatsoever for doubling prices on some menu items in a down economy.

2. Stop changing the fries every few years. Remember the old fries, the ones you were concerned were too much like McDonald’s before you tried to be “too much like McDonald’s” on purpose? We want those back.

3. Stop wasting cardboard. Wendy’s started doing it 6 months before you did, and it sucked there too.

4. I don’t think you need to be the Spike TV/Axe Body Spray of fast food, in fact, please don’t be that. However, those of us who do still eat at Burger King expect a certain vibe from it. It’s down-home without being “country”, it does not involve bright, California marketing exec-friendly colors, and it is kinda rugged and rough around the edges. The burgers are flame-broiled. That’s your hook, right? Let us see the grill. Show us some bricks in the interior of the restaurant. Working class folks don’t want Mary J. Blige singing about snack wraps, and to be frank, we kinda hate David Beckham’s guts. I don’t know if they eat at your restaurant or eat meat, period, but if they do and they’re game, give us Jim Gandolfini. Give us Brian Urlacher. Give us Jason Statham (actually, Statham’s vegan, I believe, but he’s not the only legit badass guy with an accent in the world; Tom Hardy?) if you really want an attractive British guy in your commercials. Tough, no bullshit, a little rough around the edges, but authentic and lovable. That’s how we see your restaurant and want to continue to see it, not that other shit.

5. Hot dogs: it’s time for one of the big 3 to step up and do them right. Partner with a leading organic meat company like Applegate Farms, who make great meats but don’t serve people slop. You want to embrace that delusion that women like to hear certain words in your marketing? How’s “organic” sound?

I’ll probably repost this over at my site and on my feed, but yeah, as a lifelong Burger King patron, this one’s kinda personal to me.

To whom it may concern, those who have vocalized their feelings on these matters so far and those who haven’t,
 
Fuck you to hell and back for thinking you have a goddamn thing to say about whether or not I’m disabled based upon how “able” I appear to you, or about how I should behave because I am disabled in order to make you feel ok about paying fucking taxes.
 
Would you prefer that I get a tattoo of the kind of agonizing fucking pain I experience internally when I’m at my most crazed, another one that’s a visual manifestation of the kind of oppressive inertia I have to wade through just to make it downstairs to feed myself most days, or yet another one of the fucking Jackson Pollock painting that a chart of my sleep and wake times looks like, just so it isn’t “invisible” to you?
 
Do you think being well-spoken or talented automatically translates to being sane, able or healthy?
 
Have you ever suffered from a neurological disorder that, at last count, 4 doctors in the world, none of whom are within 3000 miles of you, specialize in?
 
Would you prefer if I just shut up and took my crumbs rather than trying to derive any joy out of what’s left of my life, after decades of being alternately neglected, antagonized, abused and…shit, the words literally just fell out of my head. That happens all the time, by the way. It’s invisible, though. Oh yeah, marginalized and…nope, that 5th word’s still gone, from like 5 minutes ago…you get the idea, though.
 
Would you rather that I stop collecting benefits and suffer or just die, instead of spending your hard-earned tax dollars that would otherwise be spent on transvaginal ultrasounds, beating people who protest inhumane behavior by the government, bombing brown people, locking people up for smoking weed and/or felony interference with a business model, or Joseph fucking Lieberman’s salary?
 
You can do what you want after reading this, but I’m not going to stop being your friend if you have feelings that come within miles of any of the above, because if I do, it’ll be way too easy for you to continue to be this fucking wrongheaded to the other people in your life who bleed in any way similar to the way I do.
 
I am a living, breathing example of mental, emotional and neurological illness.
 
It’s not always easy to understand or process.
 
It sure as hell isn’t pretty.
 
It isn’t even visible most of the time because if it were, I’d be in a padded cell.
 
No matter how fond of me you are on my good days, your fondness will never erase how completely, royally and utterly fucked up I am, how I’ve been shit on for not being able to hold it together and work the fucking fields like you can, how I’ve struggled with it in the past, or how I will continue to struggle with it for the rest of my life.
 
No matter how “together” I seem, I’m really not.
 
The best part? You’ll love this, I’ve had it laying around for about 15 years as part of a stupid pop song I haven’t been able to finish because sometimes, I can’t even finish a stupid fucking pop song.
 
“All it’d take is one bad day to make you like me…”

I saw a psychologist talking about the mentality of suicide bombers on TV some years ago, and the common denominator he drew wasn’t religion or poverty or so forth, but rather that they tend to live in areas of the world that have been forcibly occupied by other people. That occupation makes people feel desperate, they do crazy shit. Happens in the Middle East all the time, happened in Vietnam, and it’s even evident in police handling of Occupy protestors.

In American schools, particularly American public schools, there’s a different-but-similar dynamic. You’re forced to go there, you’re forced to go through their particular set of indoctrination (their way of educating, and their societal pressure to do it or be nothing; hell, even President Obama said that “if you drop out of school, you’re letting down your country a year or two ago), there’s really no way to get away from bullies (either on the staff or in the student body) and for the most part, your parents don’t wanna hear it because they’re dealing with enough trying to get through their respective days. That kind of mental and social claustrophobia breeds the same kind of desperate thinking.

Honestly, every time I see one of these terrible things happen, it’s the first thing I think of: the suicide bomber mentality.

As I do every year, and have for over a decade now, I’d like to provide you with the information necessary to tell those cocksuckers what you really think of their fucking holiday.

Hallmark:

Email: info@hallmark.com

Or call them at 1-800-HALLMARK

De Beers:

clientservices@debeers.com

Or call them (toll-free!) at 1 (888) 376 9230

If you have suggestions for customer service emails/phone numbers of companies that belong in my annual announcement (I actually like florists and flowers, so I usually give them a pass), let me know.

Have fun!

Been meaning to write this list down for ages. I’m not in a hurry to die by any means, and it’s not like I’ll be able to do much to enforce this, but these are my wishes, so please try to honor them, people of Earth.

I’d like these songs played, ideally in this order, though the order may change through the course of the remainder of my life, songs will undoubtedly be added as I remember or discover them, and some may leave the list:

Hans Zimmer and Lisa Gerrard-Elysium/Honor Him/Now We Are Free (from “Gladiator: Music From The Motion Picture”)
Frankie Goes To Hollywood-Born To Run
Talking Heads-Once In A Lifetime
The Wildhearts-Urge
Ultra Vivid Scene-Poison
The Cure-Want
Warren Zevon-Party For The Rest Of The Night
Jefferson Starship-Miracles (single version)
Mother Love Bone-Chloe Dancer/Crown Of Thorns
John Lennon-(Just Like) Starting Over
Curve-Perish
Tin Machine-Amazing
Guns N’ Roses-November Rain
Prince-Purple Rain
Roky Erickson with Okkervil River-Goodbye Sweet Dreams
Hazel O’Connor-That’s Life
Angelfish-The End
Creedence Clearwater Revival-Looking Out My Back Door

Yeah, I’m kinda mean, expecting people to sit through this on a rough day, but it says a lot of what I think I’d feel, were I still capable of feeling it a few days after my passing.

At least I left “Ain’t It Fun” by The Dead Boys off the list, right?

(Full disclosure before I start: I have never seen the movie that got me started here in its entirety. With that in mind, there may be some irony in my using this quote in relation to this post, or some inside baseball that I’m not aware of, so bear with me on that, but damn it, the sentiment really struck me.)

“Just get up off the ground, that’s all I ask. Get up there with that lady that’s up on top of this Capitol dome, that lady that stands for liberty. Take a look at this country through her eyes if you really want to see something. And you won’t just see scenery; you’ll see the whole parade of what Man’s carved out for himself, after centuries of fighting. Fighting for something better than just jungle law, fighting so’s he can stand on his own two feet, free and decent, like he was created, no matter what his race, color, or creed. That’s what you’d see. There’s no place out there for graft, or greed, or lies, or compromise with human liberties. And, uh, if that’s what the grownups have done with this world that was given to them, then we’d better get those boys’ camps started fast and see what the kids can do. And it’s not too late, because this country is bigger than the Taylors, or you, or me, or anything else. Great principles don’t get lost once they come to light. They’re right here; you just have to see them again! ”

-Jefferson Smith, played by Jimmy Stewart in “Mr. Smith Goes To Washington”; directed by Frank Capra, written by Sidney Buchman, Lewis R. Foster and/or Myles Connolly (I wanted to make sure I credited anyone that might’ve had a thing to do with a word of this, if possible.)

Great quote, posted in its abridged version (I added the rest from IMDB) by Steve Niles just now.

Alas, by the time it was written, the fix was already in here in the States for the most part, but that doesn’t mean for a goddamn second that it can’t be true at some point in the future.

Yes, we were all fed the fucking pack of lies that our leaders actually stood for these things practically from birth in schools that amounted to not much more than re-education camps, designed by people who just wanted us to shut the fuck up and get back to the sweatshops. We were told this in school, we were told this in church, we were told this in Frank Capra’s and other folks’ movies which were supervised by greedy studio bosses and phony moral crusader assholes from Washington who threatened to shut Hollywood down if it didn’t tow the line, we were told this in super-hero comic books written by kids (literally) who were robbed of their rights by scumbag publishers, and we were even told this in the lyrics of pop songs, which were also written by people who rarely if ever were properly compensated for their labor, long before the rotten bastards who ripped people off could blame it all on mp3s.

The thing is, the people in power fucked up large when they tried to make us think they stood for these things. They actually let us talk about these great ideas, perhaps just to try and make us believe that the ideas were actually theirs in a half-assed attempt to get us on their side, but they fucked up and let the cat out of the bag. And, as we all know, they haven’t quite figured out a way to kill great ideas yet. Oh, they’re REAL hard at work on it, but no, we can still believe in great ideas and real decency (the “help your neighbor” kind), not just the kind of “decency” that passed through the censorship board after enough people got paid off and sucked off (which is more of the “Someone named Bronfman or Koch or Murdoch or Halliburton didn’t get paid, so it must be wrong!” variety). Great ideas are stronger than individual people, stronger than corporations, stronger than huge religious organizations and stronger than entire governments.

If believing this makes me not “grown up”, “crazy”, another person with no responsibilities or any of the other dismissive things that people say to make them feel better about themselves when their mortgages are killing their souls (and sadly, this part seems to be true of more than a few otherwise decent people who I do respect and want to continue to call friends), then so be it.

But I do believe.

And in whatever way I see as the most effective one (it seems to me that spreading great ideas and condemning shitty ones are my strong points, though others may have different opinions on this subject which I’m plenty open to hearing), I will continue to fight for what I believe, and for great ideas, for as long as the world lets me do so, just like Steve and Nina and Stephen and Kristin and so many others who I could spend all night naming, and feel guilty not naming individually (but I really do need to eat dinner) do.

And with that, I am off to dinner. As Checkers Drive-In bag once told my friend Dain and I, “You gotta eat.”

May you all eat well with the clearest conscience possible, and fight the good fight in support of great ideas and actual human decency rather than invented human decency.

I am exhausted by an unending avalanche of injustices that, depending on your point of view, are both big and small in stature today, as usual. Still looking for more ways to fight said injustices and get the word out to people who can do so more effectively than I can.

Talk to me, internets. Who’s being done wrong where, and what can we all do today to help make it right?

Review I just wrote as I listened to the whole album, to be posted on mybigblackcock.com in about a minute:

It’s been an endurance test to get through this. Very frustrating listen, because all 3 Van Halen boys sound fantastic (despite the production, which really tries to make loud, fast, hard, heavy rock n’ roll music sound “adult contemporary”) and no one wanted this to be a big win for David Lee Roth more than I did, but really I think it took them too long to get their shit together, if it’s even together now. Dave, bless ‘em, just doesn’t sound up to the task anymore on at least the first half of the album, he sounds shoehorned into most of the songs, and there’s little to nothing to sing along to here until about two-thirds through the record. To me, that’s just not Van Fucking Halen.

Again, no knock on the musicianship overall: Alex, Ed and Wolfie (huge improvement over Mike Anthony, sorry, purists) sound stellar here, which is going to cover a multitude of sins for most people, but damn it, I know what the good stuff sounds like and I’m not fooled by most of this. As far as Dave’s output goes, this isn’t “Your Filthy Little Mouth” good on a song for song basis (granted, I still think that’s an underrated record), and I’m not entirely sure whose fault that is. Might be that Dave couldn’t get it done, might be that the rest of the band and the producer wouldn’t get out of his way, but whatever the case was, the end results are a mixed bag at best.

If you want some highlights, “Big River” (the best of the bunch), “Beats Workin’”, “Outta Space” and “Honeybabysweetiedoll” are as good at it gets here, and the only ones that REALLY sound like actual Van Halen songs out of those are “Big River” and “Beats Workin’” (tracks 12 and 13 out of 13; yeah, the album finishes strong, but that’s still a long time to wait for the goods if you’re listening to a whole album). “Stay Frosty” is as downright embarrassing (“Hey, it’s an “Ice Cream Man” sequel!” is no way to live, man) as the first single, “Tattoo” was. The rest of what I didn’t name is great instrumentally, but cluttered and lukewarm vocally and from a songwriting perspective.

So, yeah, not as blown away by this as the rest of my fellow old farts seem to be this week.

Eric writes:

“I WANT TO SWALLOW YOUR BIG BLACK COCK WITH MY ASS AND MOUTH

CUM FEED ME NOW”

Eric, with all due respect, that’s some “Call Of Cthulhu” sounding shit right there, son. An ass that swallows cocks? Does it have teeth, too, or does it just…swallow them? It’d better be careful swallowing entire big black cocks like that. I would hate for your ass, creepy as it is, to choke to death. I mean, how would whoever found your body explain that or process that? This is also the first black cock-swallowing ass I’ve ever heard of, so I’d of course be worried about the species going extinct if something were to happen to it. In short, please tell your ass to be careful when swallowing entire black cocks at once.

Anyway, folks, I’m not interested in Eric that way, but if you’re into this sort of thing, I’ve left Eric’s email at the top of this page.

I was just driving home, and in front of my car, there was a white pickup truck with a bunch of anti-Obama, typically right wing bumper stickers on it, and unsurprisingly, there was also a Confederate flag sticker on it, too. This got me thinking, and I came up with what I think is a swell idea, but would probably be viewed in a court of law as a “hate crime”, an “act of terrorism” or some other thing that they charge you with when you embarrass fascist pond scum.

You know those magnetic car bumper stickers, the kind they make those ribbons, etc. out of so they don’t damage the car’s paint job? Well, I think someone (I’d love it if I had the cash and the logistics knowledge to get ‘er done, but I don’t; if you do, throw me a few bucks, eh?) should manufacture a bunch of those, with a picture of a Swastika on them and the words “Let’s be honest about who and what I am.” on them.

Something that looks a little like this…

This way, when those of us with any shred of compassion who aren’t brainwashed by rich, soulless, racist old white men whose fathers and grandfathers were more or less part of the Third Reich (or who wish their fathers and grandfathers were) see a vehicle parked somewhere that has a bunch of idiotic, fascist, racist shitty stickers on it, we can add one more to the car on the sly that really sums up what those people are about without doing any damage to the vehicle.

there ain’t no peace, no guarantees
so much for hope, we all still bleed
no other way that i can see
looks like i’m back in therapy

how many chords? don’t know any
a line of shit that they’ll believe
this should make long beach scream for me
i sure belong in therapy

the fucking lights are back on me
won’t cut through drunken apathy
i’ll never be ready
we’ll skip the four, now one, two, three

the world is fucked let’s fucking burn it down tonight
a touch from you would make the crazy shit alright
i’m just like you, i’m broken, angry, spoiled and white
us vs. the universe, they should’ve called the motherfuckin’ fight

send in the clowns, you fucking win
i’m climbing out of the trash bin
at least i’m not on heroin
or would that be more genuine?

my life has brought me to my knees
picture of incompetency
i give it all away for free
didn’t learn much in therapy

i’m still in pieces, as you see
Still can’t lose my virginity
I get this burning when I pee
I fucking quit, sing it for me

the world is fucked let’s fucking burn it down tonight
a touch from you would make the crazy shit alright
i’m just like you, i’m broken, angry, spoiled and white
us vs. the universe, they should’ve called the motherfuckin’ fight

2012 scott crawford. fuck copyright.

Here’s why.

Always loved that ol’ gag.

Yep, I’m still alive.

No, I don’t have a lot to say at the moment.

Actually, it’s more like “I have a million things to say, but they’re all bottlenecked.”

Please stand by. I’ll say or do something, eventually.

Important links:

Official Marathon Site | Official Marathon Facebook | Official Marathon Twitter

Pro Men’s Bios | Pro Women’s Bios | Pro Wheeler’s Bios | Marathon FAQ

Official Marathon iOS App | Official Marathon Android App

Track My Runners (via web and SMS)

Official Marathon Flickr Tag | Official Marathon Flickr Tag (Slideshow View)

7:15 AM: What, did you think I wasn’t going to do it this year? Fuck that. I’m just waking up, but I’ll be starting up momentarily with links to the pro bios and such. Let me eat my breakfast, take some drugs and we’ll get things under way.

7:30 AM: OK, some of the links are up, breakfast has been eaten, and the TV’s on. First shots of Ft. Wadsworth! Still need to take drugs, though.

7:40 AM: Channel 4′s showing non-marathon stuff for the next 80 minutes, damn them. Little by little, I’m digging up all the pertinent links. Took my drugs, too! If you’re a longtime marathon viewer like I am, you’ll notice that the pro men’s and women’s bios have a lot of new faces, especially the women’s pro field.

7:55 AM: I’ll be using the iOS app today too (on an iPad 2), along with the television, so we’ll see how that works out. Ideally, I’ll be able to track individual runners without fighting server crashes on the main marathon site, so if you’d like updates on your people (especially if they’d like a shout-out on here!), give me a buzz with their race info (and preferred way of having their name mentioned here, since, yeah, this site isn’t everyone’s favorite way to appear in Google results) at suck@mybigblackcock.com!

8:00 AM: On an unrelated note, Open House NYC (one of the unrelated pre-marathon shows) just featured a cool sounding non-profit called The Book Connection, based in Queens Village, NY. Alas, despite my link, their site appears to be down. Book Connection folks, get in touch! I’d love to help out and know others who probably would, too. Time for Meet The Press to shovel some shit our way for an hour. I’ll be bringing you more marathon resources in the meantime, if only to keep my sanity while these bought-and-paid-for nutjobs spew their nonsense.

8:22 AM: Wow, they just busted out an Onion quote on Meet The Press. This makes me incredibly happy, as The Onion is one of the only papers in the world who are actually reporting the news.

8:30 AM: Pro Wheelers just about to start. WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
!!!!!!!!!!!1111111

8:33 AM: The rest of the start time schedule, if you didn’t see it on the Marathon FAQ yet.

Handcycle Category and certain AWDs start at 8:55 a.m.
Wave 1 (including other AWDs) starts at 9:40 a.m.
Wave 2 starts at 10:10 a.m.
Wave 3 starts at 10:40 a.m.

Stay tuned! Meet The Press will be put out of its misery soon enough!

8:39 AM: Ha, Jennie Finch is running today. Good luck, Jennie!

8:40 AM: For those of you on Twitter, the #ingnycm tag is the one the official marathon account is suggesting.

8:43 AM: Man, I need coffee. And Advil. Back in a few, folks!

8:57 AM: Advil and Ethiopian coffee acquired, and Meet The Press is OVER, baby! NBC goes live in 3 minutes!

8:59 AM: Handcyclists about to start! Kudos to the Official marathon Twitter for staying on top of things this year!

9 AM: Wow, in-app purchase required to watch the marathon on the iPad. Apparently, they’ve never heard of commercial. Ah well. Al Trautwig doing the intro on my TV. We’re getting started. Awwww, nice tribute to Grete Waitz in the opening. We’ll miss you, Grete, just as we’ll miss you, Deb. This one’s for you gals.

9:05 AM: Kurt Fearnley’s in the lead pack of 4 men’s wheelers, no surprise there. The surprise is that he hasn’t put away the pack. He’s usually crazy strong out of the gate, even was when he dragged his shoulder along 4th Ave. in Brooklyn. We’ll keep an eye on Kurt and the rest!

9:07 AM: Tatyana McFadden and Edith Wolf-Hunkeler neck and neck in the womens’ wheelers. That should be a scrap. Mark Messier (he’s a hockey player, folks) is running today! So is Apolo Ohno (who’s apparently an Olympian and won Dancing With The Stars; I don’t watch a lot of either, so I’m unfamiliar).

9:12 AM: Pro women about to start! RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111111111111

Really nice touch here, Joan Jett’s cover of “Roadrunner” playing the women off as they take to the Verrazano. I think that’s new.

9:18 AM: First commercial break comin’ atcha.

The booth seems to love Mary Keitany this year. Me, I’m waiting until they’re into Brooklyn before I make any predictions in either field. Weather’s gonna change rapidly this morning, 10-15 degree sweep, so it’s really too early to pin down a frontrunner in my book.

9:19 AM: Every time I see Ft. Wadsworth, I wonder if Snake Eyes is hangin’ out with the marathoners. He’s much cooler than Mario Lopez, though Mario’s definitely running today.

9:21 AM: Fearnley and McGrory are leading the wheelers’ packs. Mary Keitany’s the rabbit in the womens’ pack as they’re finishing up the bridge.

9:24 AM: Ha, CHILEAN MINER II: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO! Awesome stuff, Edison Pena came back even after a tough, tough race for him last year.

9:26 AM: Edison Pena just busted out with a little “Suspicious Minds”. Seems like he’s in good spirits.

9:28 AM: Another little video tribute to Grete before commercial break 2. I think we’ll see a LOT of these today. Very few people have given to this race like Grete has, so that’s a solid, classy use of television time.

9:30 AM: Mary Keitany’s got a 30 meter lead already! Jeebus! Men’s wheelers are halfway through the race, Kurt Fearnley, Kota “Hoki” Hokinoue and Masazumi “Soey” Soejima are the lead pack there. I have to like Fearnley, gutsy racer, one of the gutsiest athletes I’ve ever seen in any sport.

9:36 AM: Almost time for the first wave of the masses and the pro men. Also: you can’t even see the rest of the pro women. I think Keitany’s strategy is damn near suicidal. TV commentators have her running a pro men’s pace. They just showed the Fearnley crash from ’06 again. Brutal. Guy got up and set the fucking course record, though. He is a monster. First mention of the Five Borough Challenge. They’re going with “people who have faced significant challenges” as their theme. They’re underway already, but they just mentioned the damn thing now.

RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111111111111

9:40 AM: Meb!

Pro mens’ intros happening now. Must every sporting event abuse “Enter Sandman” now? Ugh.

9:42 AM: Oops, organizers had their Mutais mixed up for a second there.

9:4 AM: RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
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9:46 AM: Weird, different recording (assuming it’s a recording) of “New York, New York”. That’s not OK. Did the marathon get licensing-jacked or something?

9:48 AM: Gary Russo singing “New York, New York”. With all due respect to Mr. Russo, HE AIN’T FRANK.

9:50 AM: Official marathon Twitter reporting a minute lead for Mary Keitany. Nuts. Just…nuts. If it works, she and her trainers are geniuses. If not…well, she’s gonna have a miserable time once she’s into Manhattan.

9:51 AM: MOAR COFFEE. Back in a minute!

9:54 AM: Wow, she’s not even there, and they still have to bring up Paula Radcliffe. Obsessed, NBC! You’re obsessed!

9:55 AM: 1 minute and 20 second lead for Keitany.

9:57 AM: Another Grete video package. Comments by Bill Rodgers! I wish he’d spend more time with this marathon.

10:01 AM: Hour 2 of TV coverage starting. 25 runners in the men’s lead pack right now at 3 miles-ish.

Wow! Masazumi “Soey” Soejima wins the men’s wheeler race! He’s been bridesmaid a few times here and won Boston this year, but I still have to consider this an upset! Congrats to him! Here’s some video of it!

10:04 AM: Women on mile 10, still a pack of 5 women who are about 500 miles behind Keitany.

10:06 AM: Someday, NBC Universal will give their people decent transmitters when they’re on the course. Lotta tech glitches again this year.

10:10 AM: Sisay of Ethiopia in the men’s lead, but the commentators have the rest of the men’s pack (down to about 15) laughing at his tiny, ineffective penis based upon his credentials. Hey guys, remember Gomes dos Santos?

10:14 AM: For those of you not interested in the race at all, Miranda Cosgrove from iCarly is making spaghetti tacos on “Hungry Girl” on the Food Network!

10:15 AM: Official race Twitter gives Sisay some props, noting that he finished well in the NYC Half with this strategy.

10:20 AM: The masses have just hit 4th Ave. in Brooklyn. Second wave just started!

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Mary Keitany is 5 minutes ahead of a world record (yes, world, not course) pace right now.

10:21 AM: Biggest disappointment of the marathon so far? The iOS app being ransomware, essentially. What a damned waste of resources.

10:24 AM: Men’s course record seems to be under threat today, too. I think we’re gonna see a rough time in Manhattan, though.

10:25 AM: Amanda McGrory wins the women’s wheeler race, 2006 winner, now 2011 winner! Congrats, Amanda!

10:26 AM: I just yelled “RUNNNNNNN!” at the TV set again. The coffee, it is helping.

10:29 AM: Wow, Keitany’s on the 59th St. Bridge already? Christ. Also: video streams are totally borked on the web sites.

10:31 AM: Jennie Finch in the 3rd wave, starting last, doing that “dollar for every person she passes to charity” deal. Good for her. 4 months removed from the birth of her second kid!

10:32 AM: Keitany slowing down a bit, but she’s coming onto 1st Ave. soon.

10:35 AM: Men’s pack down to 9. Sisay still there. I’m sorry, but I think he’s gonna finish stronger than everyone else does. Keitany’s turning onto 1st. Crowd’s going nuts.

10:37 AM: Women’s chase pack of 4 has cut Keitany’s lead, but they’re 2:19 back. Still under a course record, but being ridiculously outpaced thus far, with about 10 miles to go.

10:43 AM: In Greenpoint. Sisay in 4th, but with a really nice stride. Back in 1st now. I like the guy. Geoffrey Mutai seems to be the announce team’s favorite, and he looks good too, but there’s almost always an X factor in this race.

10:46 AM: Keitany just finished mile 17. Slower pace, but I’m not sure how much that matters if she keeps running. Huge if.

10:49 AM: Masses all on 4th Ave. in Brooklyn. Good to see ‘em! Hope they get more airtime this year!

10:54 AM: Men’s race at the halfway mark. Emmanuel (not to be confused with Geoffrey) Mutai in the lead right now, Sisay in 3rd.

10:57 AM: Keitany still slowing down, but way ahead. Men’s pack on the 59th! Commercial (and MOAR COFFEE) time.

10:59 AM: About to start hour 3 of live TV coverage. Men about to hit 1st Ave. Me, I’m on my 3rd cup of very strong coffee before Noon, and I feel like Lloyd Bridges in “Airplane!”.

11:02 AM: Let’s see if I can give y’all a full view of the men’s pack: Emmanuel Mutai, Kebede, Kisorio, Geoffrey Mutai, Sisay, Kibet Kosgei, Gebremariam, Meb, Gharib, Luis Barrios. Been steady through the bridge, basically. Men on 1st!

11:03 AM: Men just passed Dangerfield’s! (Just givin’ some respect.)

11:05 AM: Women’s chase pack down to 2 (Deba and Dado). Keitany down to 5:47 on her last mile, not good splits here, but she could hang on, still like a 90 second lead at last report.

11:08 AM: Video package about 9/11 families running the race.

11:10 AM: Sisay still hangin’ in! I like this guy.

11:14 AM: Keitany has 4 miles to go, with a minute lead. She could blow it, but her two pursuers aren’t exactly striking fear into her heart.

11:17 AM: Keitany finally visibly laboring. This is kind of a bad time to start doing that. Not to be the NBC broadcast team or anything, but Paula Radcliffe started laboring around the time she came off the 59th, in a similar spot. Chase pack can FINALLY see her again. This should be an interesting 15-20 minutes.

11:20 AM: Men’s pack: Kebede, G. Mutai, Kisorio, E. Mutai, Gharib, Gebremariam, Meb, Sisay, Luis Barrios, Kibet Kosgei. TV team just noted that Meb smiled like the cat who ate the canary, so watch for a burst of speed from him soon.

11:25 AM: Keitany’s lead down to less than 30 seconds! Deba looking strong!

11:26 AM: Keitany’s collapsing at the 24-ish mile mark! Men’s pack going nuts finally! This is getting real.

11:27 AM: Deba, Dado and Deba neck and neck now! This is batshit. Keitany surging again, responding to her pursuers! That’s tough.

11:31 AM: Men’s pack: G. Mutai, Gebremariam, Kebede, E. Mutai, Kisorio, Gharib, Meb, Sisay, Kibet Kosgei, Luis Barrios. Mile 21 there. Geoffrey Mutai breaking out. Commentators love the guy. He might finally be earning it here. Undefeated this year, that speaks something about his strength and experience here. Women’s pack down to 2, Dado in the lead, Keitany about 5 seconds back, Deba fallen behind.

11:33 AM: Dado is putting this away! Commentators shocked, because she’s an out-of-nowhere racer. Deba in second, Keitany in 3rd. That’s gotta be rough on her, but it’s amazing it took so long for it to happen.

11:34 AM: Dado about to win! RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
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11:35 AM: Congrats to Firehiwot Dado, NYC Marathon women’s winner, official time of 2:23:15!

11:38 AM: Deba and Keitany 2nd and 3rd, respectively.

11:39 AM: On the men’s side, Geoffrey Mutai is having some GREAT negative splits. Possibly threatening the course record.

11:45 AM: 2 Mutais in the lead right now, Geoffrey in 1st, Emmanuel in 2nd about a minute back. If Emmanuel finishes 2nd, or better, he beats Geoffrey in the World Marathon Majors. How about that?

11:46 AM: Official times for 2nd and 3rd in the women’s race, Deba had 2:23:18, Keitany had 2:23:38. Congrats, ladies!

11:49 AM: Geoffrey Mutai could actually set a course record in NYC, after setting the marathon world record in Boston back in April. No one’s ever set the course record in both races in the same year. Tesfaye Jifar’s course record is toast!

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Congrats to Geoffrey Mutai, 2011 NYC Marathon winner, and Emmanuel Mutai, 2011 World Marathon Majors winner! Emmanuel finishes second, of course. Times coming up! Both beat Jifar’s course record!

11:54 AM: Kebede beats the course record too! 3rd place for him, congrats! Gebremariam in 5th! Meb with a personal best, in 6th place! Great race all over!

11:56 AM: Gonna try to lock down all the official times for the top 10 as soon as I can. The masses should start to hit the finish line soon. 2:05:06 is the new course record, by about a minute and a half!

12:00 PM: Lunch break! Back in a few!

12:15 PM: Sorry about that. I was starving! While I was away, they had a few interviews at the podium (Deena Kastor to Mary Keitany: “What the hell were you thinking?”), and they showed McFly waiting for a runner! No, not Darenzia McFly (totally NSFanything), Marty McFly! Michael J.! I wonder if Tracy’s running, or if it’s one of his kids. Just about to get to the masses, and this year, they’ll have a crawl on the TV showing the names of each finisher in order until they sign off at 2 PM! Nice.

12:19 PM: BREAKING NEWS: Geoffrey and Emmanuel Mutai are going to form a rap group called the Mutai Clan. (Yeah, go ahead and boo, it’s an awful joke. Sorry, couldn’t help myself.)

12:22 PM: Ha, they found Paula Radcliffe at the finish line! She’s everywhere! She’s planning on running in 2012.

12:26 PM: Ed Norton at the finish line, hangin’ out. Didn’t run today, isn’t playing the Hulk in the Avengers movie…Ed, what are you doing with yourself? Ahhh, charity web site called Crowdrise.

12:27 PM: Awwww, Meb puked toward the end of the race, which is what took him out of his game. Still a great showing for a great guy.

12:29 PM: Updates from the marathon Facebook: Mark Messier past mile 15, Jennie Finch around mile 10. Serious kudos to the social media teams working this race, keeping us in it better than TV in some cases.

12:32 PM: Five Borough Challenge video package time! Great people running it this year.

12:38 PM: Michele Gonzalez of Staten Island takes the Five Borough Challenge!

David Robertson of the Yankees being interviewed. Doing some charity work for pancreatic cancer research, good guy. Totally not running this race, ever.

12:39 PM: Editor of Runner’s World being interviewed. Running with Diabetes, testing his blood as he runs. That’s tough.

12:46 PM: Christoph Niemann is drawing the marathon as he’s running it! That’s some shit right there.

12:51 PM: I AM THE GREAT CORNHOLIO!!!!!!1111 Sorry. Coffee jitters.

12:55 PM: German dude across the line, best marathon time ever. Now is the time on Sprockets in which we run!

12:56 PM: Best NYPD finisher being interviewed. Did he beat the firemen in? No word on the Mayor’s Cup winner yet.

1:00 PM: Wedding in progress during the race! Oy.

1:01 PM: Tonight on Sunday Night Football, it’s the (alleged) murderer vs. the (alleged) serial rapist!

1:02 PM: Apolo Ohno is close to the finish, Mark Messier’s on mile 19 and Jennie Finch is still on mile 11, which would indicate some struggling on her part. Hang in there, Jennie!

1:09 PM: Some folks running in Pat Carroll’s name for Alzheimer’s research. Good stuff.

Someone from “The Bachelorette” running. That’s nice, dear.

1:13 PM: Every time I see mention of this JackRabbit on the broadcast, I think of this Jack Rabbit. I blame this guy.

1:15 PM: Apolo’s finish time here.

1:27 PM: Fred’s Team video package. Louis Campbell out there running for ‘em, has a 4 year old boy named Ty in treatment for the disease. Lotta good causes out there today. Leading from there to another Grete Waitz tribute. For those wondering, seeing her book “Run Your First Marathon” in the library and taking it out is what got me to start running, so yeah, thanks, Grete. I promise you (and Deb) that I’ll get back to running very, very soon.

1:33 PM: Long, long interview with the race director, Mary Wittenberg. Terrific job organizing the races, I get it, but man, there’s folks out there running this thing. Jack Weitz, Grete’s husband (who hasn’t been able to run like this in a long time, by the TV team’s account), is just about to finish the race, just to name one of those folks. Talk to Mary at length in the wrap-up, not while people are running!

1:34 PM: And we’ve hit the “wow, let’s fellate the race broadcast sponsors with video packages” point of the broadcast. This is not the way to tell stories.

1:36 PM: Christy Turlington Burns is running for Every Mother Counts today. That’s a story worth telling.

1:38 PM: Coffee jitters finally wearing off a bit! Good deal.

1:43 PM: Jack Weitz finished the marathon! First time he’s run it in 17 years! Struggled through injuries, got through it, though. Congrats, Jack.

1:44 PM: Michele Gonzalez is the first 5 Borough Challenge winner from Staten Island! There’s hope for Staten Island yet!

1:45 PM: They found Jennie Finch! She’s in Manhattan! Keep it up, Jennie! Reporter, leave her alone!

1:47 PM: The couple that got married on the course are across the finish line! Best wishes to ‘em!

1:48 PM: There’s Mark Messier! Guttin’ it out. Keep it up!

1:52 PM: Commentators starting to wax poetic about the race, working toward the wrap-up. I’m hoping they give us some more stories from the people out there on the way out. I’ll wrap up when the damn broadcast is over.

1:56 AM: Heather Rolls is waiting for a living transplant, stage 4 liver disease. She’s finishing up her race, absolutely glowing. Hang in there, Heather!

1:57 PM: And that’s it for the TV broadcast. Stronger, more even effort than last year’s coverage, even with some of the speedbumps. Again, the Facebook and Twitter people working this race did a fantastic job, so kudos to them. I mentioned the issues I had with the iOS app (and I’d imagine the Android one’s similar), and I think that’s something that can be worked on. Enough about the broadcast media, though.

Best of luck to everyone still out there running. If you read this, stop by and say hi, I’d love to hear your stories. I will join you on that course soon enough, goddamn it. Best of luck to everyone who’s already finished the race on your recovery. I hear it’s ouchy. Take it easy, folks, and take pride in a job well done.

As for what we’ve seen so far today, some pretty incredible performances, some great stories, and some great lessons. “Keep going, but for the love of Pete, pace yourself, enjoy yourself, and damn it, don’t get in Jennie Finch’s way when she’s doing something” seem to be but a few of them. We could all learn from these lessons, I think, even the Jennie Finch one.

If you’ve been sitting home reading my coverage, either as a companion to the broadcast or as a standalone thing, thanks for doing so. This was a tough one to get up for, with a lot of mixed emotions because this year, I lost someone who I met through doing this coverage, but man, would she kick my ass if I didn’t give this my best, so hopefully I did. Thanks for everything, Deb, the friendship, the inspiration, the laughs, all of it. Wish I would’ve gotten to know you better, or at least to meet you in person, but I’m so glad I got to know you regardless. Sorry to get heavy on the rest of you, but my friend Deb’s as much a part of the story of me doing this coverage as just about anyone, and when I eventually get off my ass and run this fucking thing, she’ll be an important part of that story too. Let’s all do her the honor of living fantastic lives moving forward. This is me, signing off for another year, with one last…

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